It's Raining Hard

Song Sparrow, Sing Me A Song...

2011-08-08T11:44:00.000-05:00

For Ash

   My sister loved birds. I teased her about it a lot. What an odd thing for a twenty four year old to start loving and collecting. Girls our age collect stories of late nights downtown with friends, shot glasses from cities they’ve visited, shoes. Sixty year old women collect birds. Since she’s passed away, I’ve found a love for all things feathered. It’s made me feel close to her in a way A chance to build on the collection that she isn’t able to finish. We split her quaint collection of birds between my mother and sister. I moved into my apartment, with two bird figurines, and a tiny tattoo of a bird with ‘Ash’ floating above it. In the months since my sister’s death, I’ve waited to see her again. I don’t explicitly know how the next life works, and I’m definitely navigating my new life without her, completely lost most days. I’ve been praying and waiting for some time with her. In the weeks after her death, I waited for beautiful dreams of her in heaven. Even beautiful dreams of things we had once done together, but those dreams haven’t come. Any dreams really. I’ve felt spiritual disconnect unlike anything I’ve ever experienced. I look for her in everything that I do. Sometimes I even wonder if I think about her too much. Eight months since she left us, and coming up on what was supposed to be our twenty fifth birthday together, I’ve been feeling a sense of hopelessness in my quest to be closer to her. I’ve said it over and over again, but I’m an analyzer of all things, and for what might be the first time in my life; and what will probably be the most significant , my analyzing (and Ash I’m quite certain) brought me to tears in a beautiful way this past week.
   I’ve been living by myself since April, and have been glittering this apartment with memories of her. My room has been my last project, and the walls have been bare for the four months I’ve lived here. Do I put pictures of her up? Will that just make me sad? I haven’t known what to do with the space at all, and in all the years I lived with Ash, she was the decorator of our lives. And even now, I am learning she still is. Last week I went to California with my family. We visited the Redwoods of Northern California. I was overwhelmed with tears as I walked down trails, and climbed on trees. Ash and I once ran through those trails together. Summer after summer, hiding from each other; we’d climb and explore the fallen trees. I have amazing memories of time spent there with her. As I walked and listened, all I could focus on were birds. The sky was a pretty blue that day, and despite my crying, it was just a beautiful and bright day. This really isn’t that significant, given my obsession with them since her death, but there on the trails I decided I should somehow incorporate this into something for my walls that would make me happy, while still incorporating her love of birds We left and drove to Monterrey, California and stumbled on an amazing antique store. I felt a fire inside of me to find something in this store for Ash. Two problems, huge store…closing in fifteen minutes. I managed to grab two ‘Bird and Nature Magazines’ from 1906 and a beautifully famed piece of wall paper with a bird on it. I actually loved the framed picture, and it had some blue in it. The magazines, if anything, were old and might make for some interesting faded wall hangings. When I finally made it home to Texas, I began to thumb through the magazines. Instantly, I was disappointed. I was expecting lots of cool bird pictures, and what I got was scientific looking fold out diagrams for the most part. Until page 23. A story titled ‘The Song Sparrow’, opened with this,

   ‘While men are speculating on the truth of the statement, that “wealth lessens, rather than increases, human happiness,” the ecstatic notes of the song sparrow are offering ample proof that , in the bird-world at least, happiness is not dependent upon fine feathers or luxurious quarters. During the cheerless winter days, although his dusky little form is indistinct among the dead leaves of the frozen thicket, this brave bird sends a thrill of joy through every heart, as his song, clear and rapturous, rises above the hoarse moan of the wintry wind, and mingles with the snowflakes.’

You can imagine the tears streaming down my face. The only thing in my mind as I was reading this, was Ash. These words were floating off of the page at me. Everything, I’ve ever thought about her was here on this page, in a magazine about what she loved…and someone else wrote it in 1906. I kept reading, only to find more proof that Ash wanted me to see her. Not in a dream as I had imagined, but in her own free spirited, not so blatant way.

   A poem by Henry Van Dyke,

‘With darker patches at his throat, And yet of all the well dressed throng, Not one can sing so brave a song. It makes the pride of looks appear, a vain and foolish thing, to hear his sweet, sweet, sweet, very merry cheer. A lofty place he does not love, but sits by choice, and well at ease, in hedges and the little trees. That stretch their slender arms above. The meadow brook; and there he sings, till all the field with pleasure rings; And so he tells in ever ear, that lowly homes to heaven are near, in sweet, sweet, sweet, very merry cheer.’

Still balling, and still thumbing, Ash ended our evening with this,

Here Be My Loves

By John Vance Cheney

Here by my loves among the feathered things

The angels lend their tunes to, and their wings.

The lowly sparrows, cradled on the ground,

To hear earth’s heart, and sing that happy sound;

The thrushes, they of melody so pure

Whether ‘tis earth’s or heaven’s I am not sure;

Why I thought it would all come so easy, I’m not sure. Nothing about this journey has been easy, and I don’t think it will be. I’ll be dealing with her death for the rest of my life. Little moments like this one are what make me believe that though it feels impossible at times to acknowledge, there is most definitely a God far greater than anything I can completely comprehend. I understand Ash’s love for birds now more than I ever did when she was still alive. And now I know in fact, these things really aren’t that random at all, but probably exactly as they were supposed to be. In reading these words, I can only imagine what her new life must be like, but I think her love and connect with the bird-world as this passage describes, go hand in hand…or feather in feather if you will. I love you sister, Happy Birthday to the most beautiful girl I know, and the one I miss and love so much!

Chronicles With Coping...Or Something Like It. Chapter Two.

2011-02-20T21:36:00.017-06:00

Okay Mind, I Don't Know What You Want Me To Do With All Of These Feelings...

   Coming up on three months, and I don't know that I've found my way to a good place yet. I'm somewhere in between functioning and acknowledging. At this point, I kind of feel like I'm just getting through the days and hanging on to routine. There is a growing stack of self help books next to my bed, and yet I can't even venture to open them. The sight of one, honestly brings tears to my eyes. Part of me thinks, 'No, you're not ready for this', but I think the more accurate statement is 'No, you don't want to deal with this, and reading this book is sort of dealing with this.' Maybe it's not, I don't even know anymore. As always, I'm finding comfort in music, some days it is the only place I find comfort. My life is one big contradiction right now. Somedays, I wake up thinking, I'm okay. I understand and I have so much to remember about Ash, so much to be thankful for. I mean God, I'm sitting here writing this, how can I even utter a complaint, or feel anything but grace for all that I still get to have? However on most days, my whole being says, 'Are You Kidding?! Get back in bed, and stay there, you are allowed, and no one will mind. The idea that someone is going to be able to tell me how I am supposed to be feeling and what I can do to cope, is lost on me. I realize I'm not the only girl whose ever lost a twin sister, and yet all of me feels like, yes I am. No one will ever know or understand this loss. This feeling. A huge part of me has just shut down. My life is a really awkward exchange of completely carefree times with my friends, to a complete lack of understanding of myself and what this situation has brought into all of our lives. At times I feel like I have no connect. My friends are having these beautiful dreams about Ash. I am not. I think I'm struggling with that a lot. Honestly, I couldn't tell you the last time I had a dream that I remembered, but to not be dreaming about her, when I feel she is all that is on my mind at any given moment. It's sad for me. I want that to be a way I can cope, to be laughing in my sleep with her. I've never understood less about how my mind works and the motions I'm going through, than this moment now.
   My mom wishes I were dating more, to get my mind off of things, and all I can think is that I am a girl with some serious emotional baggage right now...and who wants that? Its a lot to ask someone to take on. I don't even want to deal with it, but I don't get a choice. I don't even know how to answer simple questions like 'How many brothers and sisters do you have?' I go from juggling how to answer little things like that to wondering how I will incorporate her into my wedding as the 'Maid of Honor' she was supposed to be. I don't want to even think about how our birthday will be. I'm not ready for it to just be my birthday.   I'm reading my journals a ton right now, and entries like this are keeping me going.
   'Ash is still amazing as always, and is coping well. The girl is so so strong. I really can't put it into any other words. I love my days with her, even if we are just sitting in her hospital room...usually I'm watching her make jewelry or paint. Mainly because she is simply amazing at it, and I can't compete. I've tried, but while she's whipping out some fantastic, beautiful, necklace...I'm staring at an open box of beads wondering how I'm going to use every color in the box and still make it look cute. And those stupid little tools you have to use to clamp together a tiny piece of chain...yeah, I'm not good at that either. So I just sit and watch her, we talk about food a lot...haha. Mostly about things we wish we could cook...and if the hospital allowed, I bet she'd be able to whip it up in her room. I'd probably watch that too, and be the official taste tester of course. We talk a lot about our plans for when she gets out of the hospital, and most days I force her to listen to stories about my class. Most days she ends with a ' Thanks for sitting with me, I had fun with you.' We are best friends, and we've honestly spent the last twenty four years of our lives together, day to day. And yet, I don't know that we've ever been closer, or enjoyed each other more than we are right now.'
   I wrote this three weeks before Ash passed away.   'Ash' dangles around my neck daily, it is tattooed on my ribs forever, I have this unbelievable need to keep her spirit current, and reminders of her with me constantly. Testament to the place I know I am trying to get in my grieving.

Chronicles With Coping...Or Something Like It.

2011-01-06T20:42:00.000-06:00

The Superficial Blur Of Things. Chapter One.

I've been feeling the need to write for weeks now. Only I haven't known where to begin, what to say, or even what it is that I am feeling. Part of me is scared of what will come out, if I really allow myself to sit down and admit to all that I know is lingering, all that I havent allowed myself to answer inside. 'Did she know I loved her', 'Was she scared?'. It's a weird internal struggle with myself daily. If I let my mind wander, there is no limit to where it will go. That is a scary notion knowing that for every question I have to rely on everything but Ash as a source for the answer. I find myself getting mad for even thinking about what her last moments could have been like, because truthfully speaking, the phrase alone is still troubling. As we were getting ready to move down to ICU, I couldnt help but be angry. A nurse came in and hugged me, which made me mad too. One, because perhaps I should have known, but her name was lost to me. And two, why are you hugging me? What does that mean? I read into everything. Perhaps she was just trying to comfort someone way too young to be going through all of this, and in hindsight, I am sure this was probably the case, but as a nurse, what do you know that I don't? By the time we got down to ICU, I was in silent tears. Ash was already in her special place, she was really good at this. When things on any given day would hurt, or get scary, she would close her eyes, and let her mind take her somewhere while the nurses did what they needed to do. Still, even with her eyes closed, and her form of meditation happening, I didnt want to let her see me crying. I didnt want her to know that I was scared, and really I dont know if I was scared or overwhelmed. I needed her to think that this was just like everyother trip we'd made down to ICU, becuause at this point ICU had become regular for us. Only, this was not the same. I waited in the waiting room for almost an hour, alone. As a nurse walked me in to see Ash, she asked that I not talk to her, because she needed to concentrate on breathing. There were tears in her eyes, all I could do was wipe them away. I wanted to pick her up and run out of there. I held her hand as she began to mime all that she wanted to tell me.All I can remember thinking, is 'this is not what twenty four year olds should be dealing with.' I souldnt be gathering up my twin sisters few neccesities for yet another few days in ICU. I should be helping her find her shoes, her car keys, as we head out the door on our way to Trudy's for a martini and probably a stuffed avocado. And yet leaving the hospital early that morning, there was no doubt in my mind that after a few hours of rest, I'd be back in ICU, joking with her about her attractive nurse. Even my mother's unexpected call to come back to the hospital didnt really cross my mind as that odd. I knew Ash was having a hard time, but with all that we've been through, for this to be the end, didnt even cross my mind. Ash passed away on Sunday December 12, 2010, with Leukemia. Of all the most frustrating things, its not even the Leukemia that brought her life to an end. Pneumonia and a lung infection, that doctors could not get a grasp on. Seriously?
I havent stopped in three weeks, on the go all the time. Mostly because when it is quiet, there is time to think, and for now I'm not quite ready to think about it all. I wasnt ready for Ash to go, not that its something I could have ever been ready for...but utterly and completely unprepared doesnt even begin to explain it. Emotionally, I've never felt more alone. It's weird to be completely surrounded by loving people and feel like you can't put into words anything beyond the superficial 'thank you', and 'i'll let you know if i need anything.' Who am I kidding? There is a lot that I need right now, but I wouldnt even know what to ask for, nor that its even something you could give. I can barely process what I am feeling, assuming that I'm even allowing myself to scratch the surface of all that is to come. I don't know that I ever completely let people into my life. Not the way you are supposed to anyway. At one time I'd venture to say I was an open person, but in reality, I'm extremely guarded in all that directly relates to how I'm feeling. I don't know why, and I don't know where it comes from, but for me, to open up to an extent, is to turn over control. Control of what I'm feeling, and control of how those feelings are used. If I hold onto it all, deal with it somehow, there are no unknowns. The only person I've never had to let in to get everything about the person I am has been Ash. I turn to her when things are hard, and I don't know what to do. So to now be faced with this, and she's not there to turn to... I am at a loss. Something that's been there my whole life, I will never have again. Its not even a relationship I can begin to mimic with someone else. The permanence of it all is setting in, and at night is when I feel it the most.

Who Knew Playing Teacher Would Lead To This!

2010-09-25T18:02:00.000-05:00

Welp, student teaching is off to a fantastic start. I LOVE IT. I mean, I didnt have any question that I would. For once, I am sure of something in my life...and for me there is no other place than with these kids. I'm loving the unlimited access to butcher paper and dye cutters. The laminating machine is like a shrine to all the wonderful file folder games I'm creating, most likely to be un-usable after one year of teaching...and still, i.love.it. These kids are falling at my feet for hugs and finding gold in a freshly sharpened pencil from my desk. I asked one little boy to at least stay in line if he was going to dance on the way to class pictures. His response?

Student: "Oh you fancy huh? Oh you fancy huh?"

Me: I mean I'm kind of dressed up I guess? It's picture day! You're supposed to be fancy. Right?

Student: "Nail done, hair done, everything did..."

He just kept saying it over and over again, and finally when he started popping the collar of his shirt, it all clicked. He was singing Drake's new song Fancy. My nails and hair were done, so you can understand why I was confused...oh and he's six! Ahh the little things.

On Friday we had a school wide assembly to kick of a fundraiser we're starting next week, and there was a surprise performance from the 5th grade girls talent group...appropriately named 'The Superstars'. They sang Ke$ha's Tik Tok, only they brush their teeth with a bottle of water, not Jack. And they arent trying to get tipsy, just a little crazy. As for the dudes? They are still lining up because these girls have swagger, but they kick them to the curb unless they look like Justin Bieber. A song after my own heart. They had neon hair extensions and Kanye West stunner shades to complete their performance. Awesome Friday. That's about all I have for now. But if you're needing a little pick me up...my.new.favorite.song.

Much Love,

Stripped.

2010-09-08T19:54:00.000-05:00

That's what it honestly feels like. Stripped of sleep. A relaxing weekend with my family. All peace of mind.
Vulnerable and oddly sensitive I've gone through every emotion imaginable this week. Truth be told, I'm having a really hard time. I can't help but wonder why God thinks we are strong enough to go through all of this a second time. I can't help but feel defeated, and frustrated.  I can't help but feel this second diagnosis takes away from 'the perfect match' that my stem cells were supposed to be.  I'm weakly questioning everything I know and believe. I know this is a test of my faith, but I'll tell you, going through this so blindly is a test of every ounce of my being. I know the relationship I have with God, (a strong one I feel), but even that isnt answering all that I have questions for right now. And what does that say?! A whole different can of worms.
     There are no definitive answers, which means there is no comfort. Just a need to lean on all that I believe is right in my heart. I pray that I've made known what Ashley does for my life and everyone she comes into contact with. I'm not worried about her ability to beat this cancer, because she's done that, and that she will do again. I pray that I can be some version of strength for her,when it gets hard. She is far stronger than this cancer could ever be, and she proved that within the first hour of her diagnosis the first time. She is stronger than my whole family combined. Stronger than I'll ever be, in every sense of the word.
So here is what I have so far:
Someone out there hasnt heard Ashley's story, someone that really needs it. Although to most she is beautifully shy, she is infact the funniest person you will ever meet, and not so shy! She often laughs at her own jokes...much before anyone else. And I love her for it. She can laugh at life, and find pleasure in the little things.  (Probably the only person who after a month of being sick in the hospital post stem cell transplant, and a virtual inability to eat could say: " I'm so skinny! Ehh, this month hasnt been sooo bad!"). Perhaps God is needing to give us fresh perspective for something we've missed, and if that is the case, I'm ready and open to learn. A new perspective for the amazing nurse and mentor she is going to become.
     If not perspective, then this will just round 2010 out as the worst year of my life...and for those of you that know all the circumstances aside from cancer that have surrounded my family this year, you can understand. This is fine...BECAUSE STARTING 2011 AND BASICALLY THE REST OF OUR LIVES OUT WITH A HEALTHY SISTER, WHO IS LEUKEMIA FREE...IS BLESSING ENOUGH FOR ME! I LOVE YOU ASH, AND YOU'VE GOT THIS!

Much Love,
a

I'll Be A Cool Kid One Day...Just Not Today.

2010-08-16T22:58:00.000-05:00

   And so it seems, I can fly alone. I had my doubts... but I maneuvered the airport like a champ. Aside from my developing ADD, I somehow made my connecting flight in Dallas, despite having to stop at four different arrival/departure screens to check my connecting gate... and two rounds on the tram. Minor complications. You know what's funny about flying alone? I find that I am way more interested in what other people are doing, than I normally would be. I finished all three of my magazines waiting for my delayed flight to arrive, which meant I had no game plan for entertainment once the flight actually arrived. So I did what I do best, and I opted for some people watching. (I know that sounds creepy... ehh, I'm not bothered).
   Ahhh to be in love and flying together. The couple next to me cuddled like they were curling up on their living room couch, with a fresh copy of The Notebook from Red Box. Never mind the awkward smallness of our plane, of the stationary arm rest in between them... nope, they were right at home. I wanted to take a picture, but I quickly decided this was probably inappropriate and not proper people watching etiquette. Entertaining, nonetheless.
   Two seats in front of me... cutest family ever... and they had a baby. I smiled when they sat down, but they had no clue of the internal struggle that was ensuing as their precious baby began to get restless mid flight. 'Smile and stare?' 'ask to hold baby?' 'don't ask to hold baby?' 'just make funny faces at baby when Dad isn't looking?'...
I opted for smiling and staring... and then when baby and I were seemingly having a staring contest amongst his giggles, the Dad caught on. I awkwardly muttered 'he's happy!'... haha ... duh.
  Flight number two I was delightfully stuck between an eight and six year old. Seriously...could you have better seat partners?! I think not, by the end of that flight...they might not have agreed. My friend Pace built a 3D Lego pirate ship that he was far too proud to disassemble for our flight. Instead he boxed it up and covered every inch of the box with duct tape for safe keeping. You can imagine his dismay when I tried to help him safely store said ship under the seat in front of him, and managed to break the mast. Who would've guessed all that duct tape wouldn't serve its purpose?! Amber: Strike One. Strike Two came when I told him he could use my arm rest to take a nap. I guess leaning on a total stranger to sleep is a little weird, even if you are only eight. His brother refused to share his...and he was really tired! I'm really a pretty accommodating seat partner... if you allow. He wasn't quite sure:) Strike Three: I threw away his empty plastic cup when the stewardess came around. He was probably planning on using that as a new mast for the pirate ship I already broke...
Either way, I made it home. I finished the night with the big kids at Happy Hour at Eddie V's.
Savannah was absolutely beautiful, but most definitely happy to be home.

Much Love,
a

Summer This, Summer That...

2010-07-08T23:30:00.000-05:00

   A day off. Lovely. I planned on starting by sleeping in. The sun, my tangled sheets, and my stupid pillow had other plans. 7:00am...wide awake. Can I just say that there is nothing more unsatisfying than waking up before your alarm and having ample time to turn off three pre-set alarms. Strike One for the day.
   Fine. Whatever. I'll get up. Shower...and because I was up so early, there was time for a small concert series. This was nice:) Getting dressed today was no walk in the park either. It should have been a comfy t-shirt day...but it was not. Mostly because I am not really a comfy t-shirt sort-of-girl. I'd like to be...but I haven't gotten there yet. I tried on my whole closet...twice. Instead of sleeping in tangled sheets tonight, I'll be using a pullover for a pillow, and a blanket made out of draped tank tops. I finally settled on jeans and a ruffled tank...which I later regretted, as I was walking through the mall with my bosses baby, and my strapless bra on display...she felt my shirt served better purpose as a toy! Ehhh, Strike Two.
   I was walking past Abercrombie & Fitch...and honestly, the cologne billowing from the stores entrance was almost unbearable, that and the fact that I was probably going to be the only person over the age of seventeen, but I'm an adventurous girl, so I ventured in anyway. I circled one rack...laughed at my presence in the store, and left. There is just something not super appealing about wearing a shirt that says 'Who Needs Brains When You Have These...' At seventeen I might of laughed and considered...at twenty-three, I still laugh... but seriously Abercrombie? I was offered a job at an Abercrombie once, and at the time I was certain it was going to be my leap into the fashion circuit. Of course I would have started as a cashier, maybe a greeter...and then I'd likely make my move to Model/Official Spokesperson(this is where I'd put the 'I'm kidding, haha'...except that at 15, I thought I was being discovered.) In hindsight, it could have been that I was most likely wearing their clothes head to toe. But I'm sure I flattered myself into thinking that they wanted me to work their because of my great fashion sense and gracious people skills...
   I think strike three came when I was trying to put baby to sleep. Mainly because as I was pushing baby through the mall, I could feel the glares and quick glances at my ring-less left finger. I cut my losses here, smiled, and said 'Come on love, let's go find Daddy', and resorted to rocking baby inside the store, while her mom shopped some.
  Revelation of the day: I could most definitely be content with a career as a nanny. A calling of sorts... So much fun, and I don't even get paid to play with this little one.
   What I love about summer is that despite the repetitive school...work...school...work schedule, is that it is still summer, and I can't be anything but content with where I am at. Life is good, healthy, and full of lovely people.
xoxo a

For A Young Girl Of Twenty Three...I'm Quite Opptimistic You See...

2010-06-22T23:49:00.000-05:00

   It's officially the first day of summer. Which really has no real relevance to my life as I've been out of school for a month and a half now...oh, except that I started summer school three weeks ago...so summer...ehh? No real comprehension of the actual meaning of the word. But anyhow...being that swimsuit days are imminent since I've been wearing one for the better part of a month...I decided tonight was the night I jump start my 'I'm Going To Look Like A Victoria Secret Model...Even If I Have To Stop Eating...Forever...Diet' diet plan. One Problem: I have no will power when it comes to working out...and I have an addiction to Diet Coke. Today though, given the day...I made a compromise...I spent an extra dollar on my 12-pack and bought Diet Coke plus Vitamins and Minerals! Who knew?! I also went for a jog...and my thought process went a little something like this...

Five Minutes In: "Alright! This isn't so bad...you've got this!..."
...music up please! Born and raised in the U.S.A...by the way of New Orleans...
(this was me opptimistically singing Lil Wayne becuase I was still feeling AWESOME!)

   Seven Minutes In: And I'm over it. My Ipod keeps falling out of my sports bra (only legit runners have cool armbands...I'm far from legit as you will see)...I'm getting tangled in my headphones...with every step that I run...my Ipod thinks this is a fun way to shuffle all that I am trying to listen too...I do not.

   Ten Minutes In: Run to the stop sign...Run to the stop sign!" Cool down lap! except that I see headlights up ahead..."And we're jogging again..." No worries. I am that runner... I have no shame. I'm oddly faster and more coordinated in the presence of other people or random passing cars. Uh huh, cool, I know.

   Twenty Minutes In...I think: (my vision was blurred I'm sure..;)
"Amber...you have to keep going...it's 10:30...at night. No one will find you until the morning if you die here..."

Conclusion: I still hate running...

So, all in all...I am a work in progress! Did I mention that I've def. been scoping out a five mile course I came up with few days ago? Clearly I'm going to be working my way up to that it seems.

Not Signing Up For Any 10k's Soon,
xoxo a

Questions I'll Die Trying To Answer.chapter six.

2010-04-23T16:52:00.000-05:00

There was once a time when I idolized this movie. And by idolized, I mean, I wished, I longed, I believed that I could have been cast in Kate Hudson's place. Little does Hollywood know...their next big star resides here in the great state of Texas. Witty, single, twenty-something? Romantic Comedy? I mean please, I'd call that more of an autobiographical piece. Okay, Okay, just kidding. I'm pretty sure that any girl under the age of thirty would agree that there is a way to parallel every song we sing, every movie we see, ...to our lives in some way. And yes, I say parallel in hopes that I'm not the only one, although I'm really probably pretending that my life is totally the same thoroughout the whole movie. Songs on the other hand...I dont know how, but someone out there is shopping my life story to various artists, and they are choosing to use me and my daily encounters as inspiration for material. Its really very flattering. So today I was going through some of my playlists, specifically, 'Soundtrack To My Life' and 'Everyone's In Love But Me...', and it sparked my current epihany! Well, that and an honest, eye opening, 'I am not crazy, am I?' conversation with a friend...
I AM NOT TOO PICKY . How To Lose A Guy In Ten Days...you're not helping me. How am I supposed to lose a guy in ten days, if I can't even find one that is open to any emotional attatchment? Anything other than a proper face to face conversation does not qualify as one on one time...a text is not the same as a phone call...and I know it is all about the chase...and you have to keep up some sort of hard exterior, but could you chase me a little to keep it even? I
Not to mention that ten days is a freaking world record in terms of losing a guy...any mention of a possible commitment, and all bets are off. I know your judgements are already forming...but hold off for a sec. I will fully admit to my own commitment issues. And although, I think I am painfully obvious in shedding light on my attraction to you...the truth is, I am not. That half smile I just gave you...yeah, that was me telling you I am in love, oh, and I have been. In my eyes, this past six months of texting banter...a full blown relationship;) You feel the same way right? So later, when I'm upset, it's because I'm really hearbroken you didnt understand that's what this was...haha. For loving writing as I do, I am terrible at verbally expressing how I feel, so I'm just going to need you to go ahead and figure me out. Mkay? Thanks. I also don't think most guys are willing to put in any effort beyond that to see what could develop, and honestly I don't know that I blame them.:) Or perhaps it's just most guys I am attracted to. In which case, I say...lame. lame. lame. So, Reason # 894 I am, and continue to be very, VERY, single. That, and probably this blog, if I am being completely honest...
much love,
a

And So It Is...

2010-04-07T18:58:00.022-05:00

I am the most un-coordinated you will find, I've known for awhile. But today I felt the need to put it on display for oh...everyone. Trip on my way to class. Check. So naturally, when I finally arrived to class late, and with all of my hair blown in front of my face thanks to this 'Are we in Chicago...no, still Texas' weather...I thought it would be a good idea to put my bag next to my chair instead of behind it as usual. Not so my friends. Not so. Fast forward to a 36-slide powerpoint (that my professor decided to 'just read') later...and I stepped on it, wrapped my leg in a strap, and had one of those slow motion, there's nothing I can do now, I hate my life, this is sooooo embarrassing, hi, yes, I am falling right now, catch me?' moments. Ugh.

Dear week, it's Tuesday. Not Monday, Not Friday the 13th, just Tuesday. Get with it already, okay? So I sat there for another 45 minutes after that, probably bright red, but mostly just worried that I also stepped on my Iphone in my stupid bag. Stupid bag? yes. Stupid bag that broke my phone? Not today, and thank goodness! It has not been a good few weeks, although, I am totally still loving my rental car! Getting in the wreck...sucked...and it was scary. I find myself increasingly aware of stupid driver's now...almost too aware. I kind of feel the need to write down all license plates, so when they just drive away after hitting me...I'll have them. Not to mention that anything over 70 in the fast lane...not acceptable anymore. I know, uncharacteristic for my race car like driving ways...but after spinning out five times, on the free way, with cars driving at me....suddenly, despite it not being my fault...its just not worth it. Stepping off my soap box....now.
So I have the most awesome job ever! What did I do today?
Oh...just created some life size Alice in Wonderland playing cards. No big deal. Mind you, I'm currently not certified, and therefore cannot be paid for this job...but who cares! It's way too awesome to care!:)

Devin...(who is super quiet and rarely speaks) walked into class and after seeing this:

Exclaimed this: "Miss Henley you are so crative!( I'm assuming this is his version of the word 'creative') This is just like the book...you are very efficient!"

Funny that he couldn't say the word creative right, but efficient...no worries. LOVE it! So, all in all...Wednesday was a good day! I got to craft all morning...in heels though...bad idea. But the finished product was a hit! Let me tell you, these kids do not miss a beat, and after loving this little number, they also quickly began to notice all that was un-finished with all of my other 'playing card gaurds' that were hanging around the room. "He doesnt have any hands or feet yet...." "That one needs a head..." Fun times.
Easter weekend was awesome! Pictures to come:) I may be 23, but my Dad definitely sent me on a scavenger hunt through the house for clues to a huge prize!:) There was a $1 bill in each egg! So I went home with $10...and....wait for it.....$50 to one of my favorite stores! Super cute, super fun! Always thinking that Dad of mine! My favorite clue?

'When you are hungry and need something to eat, look inside this for some lunch...______' haha, so clever too.

What a weekend it has been. I am exhausted, which is why I've decided to forgo all class related activities for the evening and just relax. We had our benefit garage sale, and it was so amazing! We raised about $2300 for our friends Dad. Super awesome!

This is my friend Kristen...

She likes fire trucks...what can I say. ;) Love you Kk!

I fell asleep today...at 5:00 this afternoon...and if it didnt sound like my neighbors were building a spaceship in their backyard...maybe two....I probably could have called it a night. So now I'm off to work to finish payroll for my boss...and then I plan on hanging out with my new bff Aubrey...

CUTEST. BABY. EVER.

Much Love,
xoxo a

All A Blur...

2010-03-25T22:49:00.000-05:00

It's been a good week, but thank God it is over. Well, almost over. Last week I was taking naps outside, and just enjoying it all! Fast forward to this week, and my procrastinating ways are finally catching up with me, and I find that it is becoming increasingly difficult to procrastinate as I want to all while maintaining the amount of sleep I want to. My family probably thinks Im getting mono, I have no energy by the time I get home. Kindergartners wear you out! But seriously, so entertaining! Today, Abigail asked me "Whose Mommy I was?" I'm still trying to decide how I want to take that. Complimentary that she could see me as someone's Mommy, or sad that she thinks I look like someone's Mommy. I'm just going to assume that it's default stereotyping as at five I would also assume anyone taller than four feet was a parent too. I am convinced that she is going to go into fashion, as she is fascinated will everything I wear. "Ms. Henley...I love your hair!" And she already goes for the bargain, which is good to learn early! You can escape the credit card debt later on..."I love that bracelet! (note: she is probably in the process of taking it off my wrist as she tells me this) I'm going to have it, okay?" The boys are fun too. Jude spends all day telling me, "Shouting Courtesy Isn't Showing Courtesy!" and while they aren't shy about letting me know when they aren't happy...(like when I put Oscar's chair up for him...bad idea) they hug me in random passing, and they light up when I walk in the room. I love them!
Work has been rather slow...except for today. PSA for all you pet owners...if you are going to have skiddish dogs, and leave them at home alone...

1. Get an adequate fence so I dont have to interrupt 'Shadow' and 'Peanut's' adventure through the neighborhood.

2. If you are going to leave them at home to embark on adventures of these sorts...put tags on their collars so I can call you and tell you I have them.

  To the man whose yard I returned said pets too...if they arent yours, I am sorry. They acted as if your yard was 'home'.
   This week I also discovered that I have a problem.   I can justify anything. You name it, and I'll come up with a pretty legitimate reason as to why I need it, want it, bought it...or didnt do it. Everytime. Case in point: my guitar. I begged, pleaded, hinted....as to why I HAD to have one. Rising singer/songwriter was not reason enough for my parents...sheesh...what do they know?(I have quite a collection of songs I've penned over the years, and if youre lucky...and I've had some red wine, I might even sing one to you) To my parents I was somehow convincing nonetheless, and...five years later it is still sitting in the corner of my room, with a broken string. Sadly, the broken string isnt even my doing. So there it sits, except when on rare occasion I feel the urge to convincingly strum along, usually while something else is playing in the background, as my playing seems to sound so much nicer in the company of other instruments. All this, and you think I would accept defeat? No no. I may have spent an undisclosed amount of time on the computer today convincing myself that I needed a new, much fancier, RED GUITAR! If that doesnt say 'Rockstar'....well then, I just dont know what does.

     Tip of the Week: Ray Lamontagne's 'Trouble' as a song starter on Pandora is sweet sweet bliss for the soul...just saying.

And It Went A Little Something Like This...Questions I'll Die Trying To Answer.chapter five.

2009-11-19T20:01:00.024-06:00

Humble Humility: The Kind Where Just A Little Is Enough

Judging by my life's events, you would think that humility was a passion of mine. A passion it seems, but not one I am purposely seeking. Walking up stairs is a task I still haven't mastered, and all those times I went strutting through the grocery store, only to get back to my car with one earring...or something in my teeth. Humble Humility at it's best! We go through this life day by day, the best we can. Doing what we think is right, but never fully knowing if the decisions we are making are good...or good for the moment. Sometimes, it is all I can do to just decide something, just for the sake of making a decision and moving on. Getting dressed in the morning alone is a task. And for what? So all the cute guys at school who aren't noticing me can not notice me AND my well thought out outfit? I mean can you honestly remember what someone else was wearing just the day before? I am lucky if I can remember what I was wearing two hours ago. My only saving grace most days is my tendency to fall out of my daily outfits as I'm falling into bed for the night. It really is a great system. There is no tricky 'Is this clean?' head game in the morning, because it is always nicely piled right there on the floor. Don't worry, this is not going to be a chapter on how I get ready in the morning, moving on...now. The lessons we learn on a daily basis, are typically hard to understand and at times, even hard to acknowledge. However, it's something you take in stride. Something you should make reasons not to forget...because as I've learned, God will bend you in a way that is far more embarrassing, than if you had just been a little more self-aware in the first place. A way of humbly reminding you. Case in point: Not only am I the most un-coordinated you will find, but I also am becoming more increasingly aware of my tendency to love all that is un-cool. A self-proclaimed dork, and maybe just maybe...ready to own it. All that being said, I look back and it's no wonder embarrassing things keep happening. It's embarrassing that I get dressed up to go grocery shopping. It's embarrassing that until now, I've cared so greatly about such minimal things. I'm going to say that 2009 has been a jam packed year of life lessons. I've done more living in my twenty-three years then most will ever have the chance to do. I've learned lessons that some are lucky to have not had the chance to learn. But I'm grateful. I've learned things some don't grasp until they are well past a time when those lessons might have been helpful, perhaps when it is too late...

Humbly humiliated? Yes. But, forever changed? I can only hope.

Humility has a humorous and sometimes cruel way of reminding us of all that we should remember in our daily encounters with others. A few I've found most recently...

1. That we arent as cool as we think we are.

2. There will always be someone more beautiful or handsome.

3. Someone always has it harder than we do.

4. Not having your Starbuck's in the morning is not a tragedy. Not having somewhere to sleep at night is.

5. You don't have to be in love to give love.

6. Life is so much easier when you don't beat yourself up for someone else's "idea" of the kind of person you are.

7. What your family thinks about the way you live your life...the best reference to go by.

8. Feeling good about the character you possess...so much better than feeling bad. So you should probably do things that make your character known to others in a positive way.

9. Nothing beats being happy.

10. It's much easier to let someone in, when the door isn't closed. But, if it must be closed, shut it lightly. Treat people kindly. Hopefully, when you do finally open the door, they are there, waiting with open arms.

11. Hard times are hard, but you're experience can make it softer for someone later on.

12. No matter what choices you make in life, good or bad...Good people will be there to dry your tears or give you congragulatory hugs. If you havent been shown this love before, be that love for someone else.

13. Good friends are hard to come by. If you find some, let them know what they mean to you and hope they feel the same.

14. Life Is Beautiful.

15. As a last resort, ice cream, comfy blankets, candles, and Sandra Bullock movies are still a popular remedy for a close to a hard day. You may go to sleep crying and with a stomach ache...but when you wake up, the sun will be shining once again.

Much Love,

Really Sir? Really?

2009-10-25T21:32:00.019-05:00

So let's talk about my weekend...and GO!
Disclaimer: Mom, I already took care of it...and the Insurance...bc I know that is your next question, I have a plan for that too! So...I love you, and Sorry, and I love you?! xo (You should probably look at this picture and remember I'm your favorite before you call me mad):)

I got ANOTHER speeding ticket. Ugh. I mean, I don't even know if I can be mad. I only learn lessons the hard way, that is for sure! I will say, for all the lesson learning I am doing, it's about time for some fun lessons.
Like for example...
closing out my bank account and going to Las Vegas...a fun lesson to be learned.
serial dating, dream worthy date...on a night I should be doing papers...a fun lesson to be learned.
eating ice cream for breakfast....lunch...and dinner...a fun lesson to be learned.
Where I used to be charming and friendly, I find myself just bitter and annoyed with the officers pulling me over. First of all, can we remind ourselves of my 5'6 frame, and Miley Cyrus playing on the radio? Not exactly threatening, so if you could refrain from using your CB radio announcer here in this empty parking lot...I bet I'll still be able to hear you if you would just get out of your car and walk up to my window. Mkay Thanks.
Secondly, although I am sure you are a very nice man, you are about to kindly tell me I am going to be $200.00 more poor...so we can probably just skip this small talk...I don't think you really care to know 'what kind of line of work' I am in, and suddenly I am not in the mood for sharing. The Tx State window sticker is a good indicator...Occupation: 5 minutes ago...Student. Now that we've met: Really Poor Student.
So it seems my days of race car driving are over... Tonight I pretended my little two door cobalt was a Buick and I was a feeble 70 year old woman, all the way home. Slow lane, not so bad...and cruise control...my new 'life tool'.

Now, let's rewind back to Thursday night. Dinner with Donnie, Kane, and my two favorite Ashley's. Good times all around! Ended the evening @ Clayton's...before he went off for an Architecture presentation. A quiet drive home, and my good friend Amos Lee sang me to sleep. What would this world be without I-tunes? Sad, sad, sad.
Friday night I went to Homecoming at my high school. I haven't been back in a few years, and I'm going to say, for the first time I didn't wish I was still in high school!:) Success! haha. Adult life is finally more fun, minus the responsibility...but I can deal.
Saturday was Jessica's funeral. Obviously sad. It's so crazy to sit there and really realize she is not here anymore. I think for me, most of my pain comes for Elysia. I can only imagine what she is going through, and I can really sympathize because in February when Ash was diagnosed, it was a possibility that I could at some point go through the same thing. My world would be over. Ash is my everything. It's not something I could ever prepare for or understand. I think her parent's put it so perfectly to say that Jess is now free from a body that held her captive. She really can be so close to us all now, and she is free and able to live as she used to.
Saturday night was Breezy's Sweet 16. Crazy. She is my exact opposite, and anything girly...not even remotely exciting for her. So you can imagine her annoyance when two hours before her party, I asked her if she wanted me to pick out an outfit for her...and where I should set up my 'Sweet 16 Hair/Makeup' Station? haha, I lost. but she looked oh so cute dancing with her friends, and we had a good time for sure.

Much Love Always,
a

Lesson Of The Week: A Lesson For The Weak...

2009-10-07T10:05:00.016-05:00

So I've been doing a lot of thinking this week, as I often do. There is a song I love entirely too much, and in it she sings..."I think I think too much...." yep, written for me for sure! However, on rare occasion, the sad music I always end up listening to and the candle lit room I write in does make for some good self-realizations. I will be the first to say that I analyze way too much, but I always learn something. And because I know you want to know...here is what I am thinking:
I'm finally realizing that the standstill I feel I am in is all brought on myself. No one is going to hand me what I am looking for, no one is going to point me in the direction that I am going to find it...except for myself. Happiness is something that has to be sought after, and if you don't have enough of it, its because you aren't pursuing it enough. They say you have to go after what you want whole heartily and passionately, and I do not. I don't mean this to be misconstrued as if I have this looming cloud over my head. I do pursue happiness, and I have it... but not to the extent I know that I could. I have such expectations for my life, that I think a lot of the time I am afraid to pursue them at all. I am weak and scared. And all too often, I let that be my excuse to seek the comfort in what I already know. Here's the deal though, I have nothing to lose, because right now, in terms of those dreams...I have nothing. I feel like for the past five years, I've been struggling to find out who I am. And until now, I don't think I really had a grasp on it. I push a lot in my life away completely, because it's safe, and I know what to expect. Unexpected is scary, but knowing every move I am going to make is finally getting repetitive. I am ready to be vulnerable to the bigger picture. I'm ready to quit pushing everything and everyone away and embrace all that I don't know! And there is a lot. If there is one thing I've claimed to know...it is that life is all too short! I am surrounded by amazing people that have had it hard lately. And even that is an understatement. I want to take what I have honestly learned from them and let that be reason enough to hold myself accountable to all I should be doing. I claim to be learning so much from them, and yet here I am sitting back, and letting this ONE life pass me by! It is short, but it can be sweet, and I am ready to make it so so sweet.

What Happened To The Days When Being Sick Meant "Princess For A Day"?

2009-09-28T22:02:00.016-05:00

I am sick. Well yes, in more than once sense of the word, but today I am refering to being physically ill. I was going to originally spend this post talking about how my inevitable slide into adulthood was beginning, and then through all the sniffiling and work to breathe normally...I had an epihany. A stuck on the couch, six pillows, downcomforter kind of a revelation. I don't want to grow up. Can we talk about how there is nothing more miserable than being sick when you live alone? I will claim the feminist, independent woman card all day long, but when it comes down to it, when I am sick, I am hopelessly needy. I want to be taken care of! Chicken Soup? Yes, please, and if you could snuggle despite my homely appearance, contagious 'I don't know what I have' symptoms, and incredibly bad taste in outfit choice, that would be nice too. As if being sick weren't bad enough, my car broke down on the way home too. My lungs hate me, my car hates me...can a girl get a break?! What did I do? I cried. That's right. Car doors open, car hood up, front seat bawling. Nevermind that there were people all around. I didn't care.
"I just want to get into my bed...wah wah wah"...this probably deterred any possible help from the slew of people waiting at the bus stop in front of my car. The situation looked tragic I'm sure. What did this damsal in distress do you ask? What every damsal would do, I called my Dad. Prince Charming, not so available right now. He drove me home, and towed my car. Good day. I got home, dropped the heels, threw on a hoody and fell into bed. I went to the doctor later, all for her to tell me that the symptoms I was exhibiting were usually cured with sleep and lots of fluids. Really? $30 dollar co-pay for that? I'm going to med-school. Well, sleep? That's not happening this week, and my lungs would beg to differ, so some prescribed relief please. Perscribed she gave, relief...three days later, and I'm still waiting on that part. Ash wanted to bring me soup that evening, but all the way from Austin. And even I, in my compromised state, realized that was ridiculous. However, as soon as I hung up with her, I realized I was cold and thirsty. For five minutes I sat there thinking of how great the days were when I lived at home, and Mom came running with all that I needed. It wasnt until after those five minutes did I realize that wasnt going to happen, and was forced to get it myself. Dizzily stumbling through the hall to my kitchen, I decided growing up sucks. Not only was my Brita water filter empty, but five minutes after cozily settling back into my fort on the couch...burning up! Ugh. I'm hoping menopause is a thing of the past by the time I turn sixty. Then a Sonic commercial came on and convinced me an ice cream sundae was all the cure I needed. Hair sexily fountaining from the top of my head, my black yoga pants stuffed in a pair of Ugg boots, and my comfy hoody on, I treked outside, keys in hand. All to turn the corner to my driveway to remember, I didn't have a car. Defeated, I went back inside, fell into bed once again, shoes and all...and passed out for the night. At 7pm. Being sick when you are young has perks beyone belief. When you are an adult, its just sad.

And It Went A Little Something Like This...Questions I'll Die Trying To Answer.chapter four.

2009-09-07T21:38:00.052-05:00

'I Have A Dream'...Now What?

Why are things always better in our dreams? If we are intelligent enough to piece together events in our sleep, that make us want to go back to sleep, even if just for five minutes. Than why is it so hard to make that happen in real life? As if finding out who that cloudy face was you were about to kiss, is going to change the course of your days events. It is pointless. Just like when you wake up one minute before your alarm clock goes off, and yet you still close your eyes for the now 44 seconds that are left in that moment. I mean yes, I can kiss a cloudy face in real life, and with 6th street a mere thirty minutes away, easily so. But what does it actually take? In my dreams, I am invincible. A force to be reckoned with, someone that someone wants to look up to. I am fearless and forward. I take what I want, and demand what I deserve. And in my dreams, I look like Natalie Portman and I might be 5'9, but those are minor details. I'm pretty sure my sister has it all figured out. The other night this is how she told us she was going to sleep...
Sister: "Alright guys, well I'm going to go think about what I want to dream about."
Me: "What does that even mean?"
Sister: "Oh yeah, well I haven't been having very exciting dreams lately, so now I just go lay in bed a little earlier and think about it first."
Me: "Does it work?"
Sister: "Every time".
Now I agree that it does sound like a pretty legit plan, but we first have to remember that all she is really having to think about, is whether or not she is marrying Brad Pitt or Jude Law. And between the secret love children and nanny cheating Jude is accustomed to these days, Brad is the obvious choice. Too much baggage is never a good thing, even if just in a dream. Now 'Dream Planning' as I will refer to it would be great if it somehow involved transpiring dreams into a reality as well. A well-versed optimist, and yet when it comes to the life that I want to lead, I'm a bit of a pessimist. Everything I've ever wanted to do in my life, I've told myself it isn't practical. And maybe it isn't, but jobs that real people have nonetheless. If it is a practical way of living for them, why can't it be a practical way of living for me? Again, most of which I am referring to didn't really grow up 'practically', more like privileged. But still, normal people can have these amazingly wonderful lives too... It happens. A wise professor once told me that it is dangerous to daydream because our reality can never live up to what we imagine in our dreams. But what if what we imagine in our dreams is better than anything we imagine doing in real life? I've had my fair share of crazy dreams, and in some cases it is probably best that they occur only in my head. Vegas showgirl probably wouldn't have panned out, Jesse Spano kind of ruined that one for me...she should have just stuck with Saved By The Bell, I sill looked up to her at that point. Showgirls, not her best move, but VH1 still plays it from time to time, so there's a small kick back I'm sure. Songwriter to the stars...I couldn't make that one happen either. Being able to play the instrument you are trying to sing to, some would call it a necessity, I'll throw that one into the logistics category. I guess part of the problem, is that not only do I have no idea how to go about bringing my dreams to fruition, I also have a small problem with uncertainty. I'm kind of all over the place, and I think I'm kind of okay with that. That I am certain of. Bravery is probably one quality I would need for sure, and maybe a little stupidity. Check and Check. I think it would also be wise to have an ounce of ill-regard for others. Let's face it, in doing what you want, you are probably going to be disappointing someone...so I'm thinking it would be more to my advantage if I could find it in me to just not care. Oh to be self-centered, and driven. Not to say that only successful people are self-centered, but yes, that's what I am saying. Is it such a bad thing? Narcissism is a quality we all posses, and rightfully so.
I am driven, but probably not in ways I should be. I'm driven to blog instead of studying, driven to drive to the mall to spend money I don't have, things of that nature. All the best authors have credit card debt. It's like a pre-requisite. In terms of actually moving forward with a career and life in general...ehh, it will happen when it happens. They say you need passion to do what you love, and passion I have. But honestly, if passion were enough to make all your dreams come true, than I would have been well on my way quite some time ago. My passion for writing started at an early age thanks to my mom's ability to get under my skin, and my mellow-dramatic tendencies. Reading my journals quickly became a favorite past time at sleepovers, as most of my entries started out a little something like this...
Dear Journal,
Today was the closest to worst day of my life...# 7! My journal's became such a hot commodity, that people actually stole them. The one's I still have are probably collector's items at this point. I write a lot, but to say that it is something I could make a career out of...this I am not sure of. I basically write what I know. My life. I'm not this clever storyteller, I can't come up with catchy character names. Sarcasm is my number one tool, and that is all I go on. Life cannot be taken seriously, and my life is far from it. I feel as though my venture through this life would also be much more productive if I didn't find in interest in everything I do. Isn't that why they call them hobbies? No No, I believe that they should all somehow be made into one, cohesive career. And don't even get me started on that dream of 'happily ever after', because I am fading fast on that one. For now my happily ever after is my comfy bed, my room to myself, candles late at night, and Dave Barnes on repeat . I hate to be a broken record, but I am still comfortably bitter, and finding things that I still don't understand about the opposite sex.
So in terms of a dream...I'd like to find out how to first remember what the heck I did dream about last night. I know it had to have been good, because I woke up smiling, only to think..."Wait, where was I?" We're doing good if I can remember if it was happy or scary. The smile is not a sure indicator. It could have either been a nice dream that warranted a nice smile, or I am just reflecting on how ridiculous I am. Most wake up instantly when they have that 'I'm falling' feeling, or something startles them to wake up...not me. I may wake up, and then try and reason whether I am in fact really falling. A recent development: I've mastered the art of pulling muscles in my sleep. Two weeks in a row now. It's a talent even I didn't know I had, and not one I'm sure I would like to keep exploring. Secondly, I think there should be a support group for all the in-between. Hint: If you're confused, I'm referring to myself here. In-between doing what I am going to do, and doing what I want to do. Practicality is by far overrated, and this I am positively sure of. I have been pursuing a degree that I describe as..."it will be a great job when I have children...". Fact: I've been single for five plus years now, children are not in my near future...there not even in any realm directly or indirectly related to me at this point. To all you five to seven year olds out there...when your teacher asks you what you want to be when you grow up, pick something good! And it would be best and less costly to your parents when you are in college if you would just stick with that. Because let's face it, though at five, rockstar sounds a little extravagant, at twenty-three, it's totally looking like a good life plan. Rock On.

And It Went A Little Something Like This...Questions I'll Die Trying To Answer.chapter three.

2009-08-22T20:27:00.080-05:00

Helping Yourself To Self-Help...And Everything Else You've Never Wanted To Admit To

So I traveled home the other day, as I often do when my fridge is empty and the Diet Coke's are gone. Upon walking into the office where my mom was diligently updating her facebook status, she presented me with this question:
"Do you think I screwed you up?"
My first initial thought...uh oh, what did I last blog about? Let's be honest, I don't hold back too much when it comes to blogging, because I think my three readers can handle the truth.
Hmmm. I guess I've never really thought about it. Don't get me wrong, I do like to analyze. My life, my decisions...breakfast. However, whether or not the world thinks I am normal is not something that crosses my mind often. I like questions, but what does that mean? Either A. My mom full heartily believes I am in fact screwed up, and unaware of such a fact. Hence, the question. Her inquiry: sort of a test of my knowledge about my level of crazy. Or B. Someone has planted a seed in my mom's brain, and she isn't sure of the answer either. When all else fails, seek a second opinion. Right? I will agree that I am slightly dramatic at times, it is true. Really, I attribute this to my extreme sense of all that is emotional. I am, always have been, and always will be super open about what I am feeling at any given time. If I didn't learn anything else in kindergarten, sharing is one thing I picked up. I am flawed, and notably so. This is probably why on a Saturday night, you can usually find me at Barnes & Noble, perusing it up in the Self-Help section. I'm unsure of what this says about me, but when faced with a challenge, press on! I think if I ever decide to write a self-help book, I will title it 'Don't Judge A Book By It's Cover...Go For One With Fun Colors'. I'm sure I don't actually have half the problems I read about, but good covers usually make for a good read. No harm,no foul. I mean who really has the time to first wander through the isles of self-help books, pick one, and then take the time to read the insert to really decide if it will fix all of your problems. We are curious people, but it is a little embarrassing. No one really wants to be seen in the Self- Help section, so instead you linger at the end of the isle. Curiously looking, all the while still very aware of the nice old woman two isles over looking at cookbooks. When someone wanders onto your radar, you quickly dash into the next closest isle. Beware though, sometimes this too can be tricky. Especially when the isle next to the Self-Help section is conveniently labeled Sex & Relationships. If you've never frequented this isle, you will be met with a slew of covers with very suggestive titles, and lots of scantly clad models. Which is more awkward? I mean, that my friends is a decision you are going to have to make on your own. I'll tell you what is awkward...my mom yelling "Huh...what is this rabbit thing all these books talk about!?".....Me: "A vibrator Mom!" I've never heard my mother laugh so hard, and I can accurately guess that neither has most of Barnes & Noble. So while I was trying to escape the embarrassment, from two isles over, her delayed reaction rang loudly. "Wait! How do you know about the rabbit!?" To the nice man sitting on the floor reading origami books...yes, she is talking to me. No need to worry Mom, one afternoon of any of the prestigious documentaries such as The Kardashians on E!, and you can bet it will be mentioned. I am still innocent as you remember.
While drifting through the countless rows of books Saturday night, I came across a few interesting titles. And just so we're clear...these were found in various sections, not in the previously mentioned.

For starters, "The Secret"? More the like 'The Secret I Couldn't Keep'. It's really not much of a secret when you are in Oprah's Book Club, on New York #1 Bestsellers List, and basically everywhere you look. I'm just saying.

And this one: "Should I Do What I Love, Or Do What I'm Doing (just to do what I love on the side)"...haha. I mean I think it's typical etiquette to first ask when using someone as your muse, but muse is one job title I will gladly accept, even if not properly asked. I don't mind. It's pretty obvious that whoever wrote this book clearly had me in mind. I'm sure if you go to the dedications page, there would be a beautifully scripted dedication, something to the effect of: 'Dearest Amber, Thank you for not having a clear direction or purpose in your life, for aimlessly wandering through college while you try and figure it out...this book is for you.' I'm jealous that I didn't think of it first. You could all be referring to this little blog and saying..."I knew her when she was just starting out...who knew."

I liked this one too,
"Young Women Searching for Love and Sex, and Failing At Both"
Really? Last I checked they came hand in hand. Perhaps if women would find love first and then opt for the sex, they'd have better success rates. Should you choose to forgo the love as a first step, I would recommend a stop by the Self-Help section on the way to your date. Then when you do fail miserably as this book predicts, you are readily prepared to nurse your ailing ego back to health. If that doesn't work out for you, serial one-night stands should not be your next option, despite the suggestions of your better male halves.

And this was fun as well,
"Soulmate: Master The Art of Aloneness & Transform Your Life"
I didn't actually take the time to open this book, but I think it must have gone a little something like this...
Rule # 1: When shopping, channel your inner "lost boy" and fashion all outfits after Ferris Bueller.
Rule # 2: If you think it sounds crazy, it probably is...but boys LOVE this!
Rule # 3: Clingy is the new Cool.
Rule # 4: When spending the night, take his favorite pillow and sleep on his side of the bed. When he says he hates this,he's using reverse psychology.
Rule #5: When he says he is willing to wait until you are ready, he is telling the truth! True Love Forever!
Rule #6: He absolutely loves the five minute play-by-play of your day you've been texting since you woke up this morning.
Rule #7: He feels warm and fuzzy inside when you change his ring tone for you to "Endless Love", without telling him.
Rule #8: When he is having his guys night in, he loves when you break out the fully planned wedding notebook to discuss colors. It doesn't matter that he hasn't even proposed...it's going to happen soon, your intuition is totally on point.
Rule #9: Being alone is a state of mind. Feel the humility, see the humility...you are the humility.
Rule #10: Social activities will throw off your inner core, so you should just avoid being social at all costs.

And finally,
"You Can Heal Your Life: Gift Addition"
Yes, its true. As if buying this book for yourself wasn't gift enough, you can give it to a friend too! Nothing says Happy Birthday, like a gift that says "You have issues".

From what I gather, the Self-Help market is an easy one to break into. Clever Title, Pretty Cover, Lost Consumer...and you've got yourself a #1 seller! Bottom line ladies and gentlemen, you have all of the tools to pointlessly medicate your emotional needs on your own. Logic being the most prescribed.

And It Went A Little Something Like This...Questions I'll Die Trying To Answer.chapter two.

2009-08-20T00:13:00.080-05:00

Desperation...A Recession Friendly Approach To Dating

I blame my mom. That and my inability to enjoy down-time for more than two hours. I don't know how to relax. I don't work for the money, I just need to be busy. And this my friends is why I am single. It's not that I don't want a companion, I just can't have one. The needy type is a hard one for me to grasp. I'm still trying to find that nice balance of, 'I want to see you, but not smother you' type.
While all the other girls were going out on their first dates, my mom was telling me, "You are young, have fun! You don't need a boy." A notion, I apparently feel the need to apply forever. I'll be forty and googling bridesmaids on classmates.com, for a civil ceremony where I'll be wearing a white business suit, because frankly, at that age, you don't bother with lavish wedding details. I'll be fairly secure in my career, whatever I decide it to be. And while the judge is asking "Do you take this man...", I'll be reciting "You don't need a boy" over and over in my head. A sentiment that at forty...I might just have to agree to disagree with. Dang Women's Movement. What happened to having babies, and baking cookies? Kidding of course, but being independent is not all that it is cracked up to be. I mean sure, you are powerful, self-sufficient, and a force to be reckoned with...yeah, yeah, yeah. What they fail to mention to our young impressionable minds is that this list is accompanied by yet another list: lonely, jealous, and broke. I get it, the latter doesn't sound as appealing to the every day consumer, and had I heard that list, I might have opted for babies and cookies like many of my friends. I know, I'm stereotyping. You can have babies, and cookies, and a career, but at 23? What sense is there in that? It's like signing up for a pension plan when you are thirty. I'm not being judgemental here, just bitter, really. My mom had me when she was a mere twenty, and I wouldn't have it any other way! All my friends think she is hot, and I get to borrow/steal her clothes all the time, and most think she is my sister! Not to mention the fact that she is pretty "hip" as she would say, and probably my best friend. Had she been thirty when she had me...we'd probably hate each other. Again, kidding. I actually love that all of my friends are having babies. I can play with them, live vicariously through their lovely lives, and then return home to my queen size bed, and pillow appropriately named boyfriend.
Secondly, being single is not cheap. Oh let me count the ways:
For starters, social activities alone are enough to warrant a second job. One of which I have, and yet my bank account is continually depleting. My good friends MasterCard and Visa will all back me up on this I am sure. At least the 'takens' can trade off paying. And if your not lucky enough to have a significant other who shares this same view, I can guess that you guys break even in other ways. Yep, I said it. I know what you're saying. Why go out so much? Typical. And unless you are sending potentials to my house to cook me dinner...no more questions!
Here's another one I ran into at last night's dinner. End of the meal, nicely waiting for the check. A large group of about eight or nine. Even number of guys and girls, and although some were couples, it wasn't overtly obvious to our waiter, or so I thought. "So how do we want to do the checks tonight?" We all asked for split checks, and yet when he got to my friend and I..."By yourselves, alone,separate,single...?" I kid you not. There was a list of adjectives to which he used to describe our current situations. I laughed, and then I cried, as my date for the evening, Discover, picked up the tab. So this is why I've come to my latest conclusions on dating. Being desperate is a route some girls take because it is just more cost effective. And if you're being truly honest with yourselves, most girls are just shallow. More so than they will ever let on. Own it. Desperate Times Call For Desperate Measures! No pun intended. In today's uncertain economic times, I guarantee that a girl will shamelessly take you up on a date, if it means she will still be able to afford that Coach purse at the end of the week. Heck, maybe you'll even buy it for her.
Now some girls would opt for a sugar daddy, and yes, they do actually exist! How do I know you ask? I had someone ask if they could be mine on myspace once, apparently they recruit these days. I declined, I mean seriously? When I told the creeper that although I am sure their are girls out there that would happily take him up on his offer, I was not one of them. To which he replied, "Thank you so much! What a compliment!" Really? No sir, actually, I just told you I think you are disgusting, and that I'm not an easy, financially irresponsible twenty-something. Apparently my extreme sarcasm doesn't come through in myspace messages. But to each his own. Financially irresponsible? Maybe, but classy girls do not have sugar daddy's. And, classy I am.
While we are on the topic of such networking websites, let's touch a little on Internet dating shall we? When my facebook profile says that I am just looking for friends...crazy, but yes, I am actually just looking for friends. And not the type that lurk outside my windows at night, thank you. To stalk someone on facebook, twitter, myspace, what have you... and then try to fake like you casually keep running into them in public. SCARY! Quick side note: if you've never met me, and you then ask me where I live and the exact address...you don't come off as interested...some might think that falls more along the lines of crazy! Mkay? I'm definitely not saying that you can't date someone you meet on facebook, or e-harmony, people do it all the time, I'm aware. In fact, I may have had an e-harmony profile at one time, for research purposes of course. 'Review Your Matches For Free'...yeah right! What that actually means, is fill out our ridiculous ten page questionnaire, and then we will link you to Trevor, Dan, and Jason. Ironically enough, they all have the same question mark for their picture, and as far as "reviewing" their profile...name, location, occupation, religious views. Anything beyond that...$60 please. I mean I've had instant messages where I've learned more about a person than that! A/S/L? Covered, and for free! Really? Why am I paying you $60 to tell me that Trevor likes reading, nights in, and coffee in the morning? I don't think the E-harmony people appreciated my answer to question #5,452..."Which is the best way for your matches to get in contact with you?" My answer: a link to my free facebook page. And, I couldn't justify spending $60 to look at a bunch of question mark men, I can do that with clip- art. Not to mention the fact that I still havent convinced myself that meeting someone on E-Harmony is any less creepy than meeting someone random on Facebook. Call me a cynic, or old-fashioned, but I'm working on it. I guess I won't be one of their successful love matches anytime soon. I mean really, I could have this all wrong. According to the New York Times, online dating numbers are up! It's like SIMS for real life. "Jay would like to meet your avatar at the local nightclub....Accept?" Apparently online dating sites are attracting a more frugal crowd these days, so ladies if you are planning on meeting the provider of your future dreams...think again. What happened to casually introducing yourself to someone attractive in public? And why does it have to be a bar? Creepers just ruin it for everyone. You can't be a single girl and get asked out for coffee by a complete stranger anymore. Either they want to go for coffee, and then maybe let you go home...but possibly locking you in the basement is also on the table. And double dates? When has this actually ever worked out? Trying to coerce a fellow single friend into tagging along...virtually impossible. Where is the faith girls?! I wouldn't set you up with a complete loser! No, no, I like to keep those to myself.
I guess all we can do is hope that our faith in dating will soon be restored, and so will the flow to our bank accounts! If we're really lucky, maybe our faith in Mr. Obama will come around too! Until then, I will just have to opt for meaningless FB chat sessions, and expensive dinner's on me.

Port A, Oh How I Will Miss You!

2009-08-16T19:07:00.014-05:00

Port A Party Weekend, is officially over, and it was officially a success! Much needed fun in the sun! Although, my SPF 55 failed me miserably!!! I think these are going to be my new catalog pictures for the permanent bikini sunburn I created during my weekend of fun!:) I mean, I'm going to say that I spent 95% of my time completely submerged in the ocean...and still, even with Aveno's Sunscreen guarantee....I get to wear my bikini...apparently all the time!:) Fun Times though! I forgot how much fun the beach is! I don't think I've been since I was thirteen or fourteen, and boy have I been missing out! I swam, treaded, and swallowed more salt water than probably recommended! The house we rented was huge, and could have slept the whole island, which was nice! Tons of room for us all to collapse, and we def. did after Saturday! The boys crashed as soon as we got back home! And the beach trip wouldn't have been complete without the boys getting the car stuck in the sand! They went to get food in the car...and came back with food...on foot. The reason: They stopped to talk to girls:) Haha, lesson learned!:) A nice man with a large truck pulled the car out! I'm pretty sure he was entertained by the whole thing, and probably not surprised:) All in all, a great great weekend! We even managed to discover a few things:)

*Boys do not find car dancing/singing to be as much fun as girls do. They will ask you nicely at first, and then they will just demand that you stop. If that doesn't work, the threats begin....:)
*On that same note, they don't stop for anything!
Arch leaving Whataburger: "Girls, we have 1/2 a tank of gas, and we aren't stopping till its gone. Everyone Good?"
In Unison: "Yep, we're all good!"
Me, 30 minutes later: "Are we out of gas yet?"
I drank a LG diet coke...I'm sorry!:) Lucky for me, Arch admitted later that he needed to stop too, but only after Christina and Kristen fell asleep:)
*No matter how hard you try, or sweep...there will still be sand. In your hair.on the floor.in the car. EVERYWHERE!
*You can cook the easiest thing in the world, and boys will think you are great cooks! haha
That's pretty much it! Working on chapter.two. Hopefully it will be up soon!
Much love,
xoxo a

And It Went A Little Something Like This...Questions I'll Die Trying To Answer.chapter one.

2009-08-12T14:23:00.003-05:00

You Want My Number?

It is inevitable. You are attractive, witty, charming...and BAM! My mind goes straight there...could we date, what would we do, hmmm winter or spring wedding? I think yes. Why is it that our minds go to such an extreme. I mean let's be honest, you haven't even noticed me! I am that girl. You know the one. Starbuck's, corner table...I'm staring at you from behind my Carmel macchiato,laptop,oh, and don't forget the huge imaginary wall either. A brick of fear, insecurity, humiliation, throw in some self-doubt and you've got yourself one sturdy wall. As if there is any real relevance to the thoughts running through my head, you can be sure that I've already given you a once over. I'm not sure my family will be thrilled about your arm of tattoos, but I think they are fun so we'll just go with it for now. We'll probably go hiking, you look like the outdoorsy type. I went camping once, and I didn't hate it, so I think we will be fine. There are normal bathrooms right?... You have good hair too, taller than me, check. The barista will be done grinding your coffee beans soon, and we've made awkward eye contact two or three times now...so in case you forgot, this is the part where you want to ask for my number. I mean I know it is a 'new age', but seriously, what happened to chivalry? Yes, I could ask for yours, except that I'm pretty sure it would go a little something like this...
"So..." (long pause)"...original blend...""mmmm...good choice." (pause, nervous hair flip) "Do you drink a lot of coffee?"...."Yeah, me too"...(fidget, fidget, fidget)"You know, a lot of these tables have two chairs...which is good if you have a bag or something...(haha, awkward nervous laugh)..."Or a person I guess, I mean, I don't though..maybe we could drink coffee at the same time.....I mean together sometime...I mean if you wanted to or something...".sigh. And this is probably where the extreme embarrassment and self-ridicule would begin to set in. Not to mention the rejection. You know that saying, "You are your own worst enemy...". I think I've made it my personal vendetta to prove this saying true, and the awkward embarrassment, well I just throw that in there to guarantee a little laugh at myself later. While I entertain my time with thoughts of how my life will be with him, Hot Tattoo Boy has gotten his coffee, paid, and started backing his Tahoe out of the packed Starbuck's parking lot. What is so intriguing about complete and utter public humiliation? Granted, constantly sitting alone is kind of embarrassing in itself,but the rejection that is sure to follow my split second of confidence; definitely exceeds the gain. So, I'll just sit here and sip my coffee instead.
Alright, alright, I may be slightly dramatic, and I'm probably not that socially awkward, in fact, I know I'm not...but Hot Tattoo Boy may beg to differ. Perhaps it is that I am too picky. This is what my mother will tell you. I don't think having standards is being too picky. And by standards, I don't mean unattainable standards. I don't think it is asking too much to meet someone with life goals that go beyond the span of one weekend. And games were fun when I was twelve...not so much anymore. Scrabble, Scattegories, Clue...now, those are all games I play. Player, Cheater, All-Around Man Whore...not someone I want as my teammate in the game of life. I get it. I'm young, have fun. I get it. But why does that have to be at the expense of self-regard? If you like me, tell me you do! Don't answer my questions with a question! And if you honestly feel like I could be your girlfriend, talking to five other girls at the same time confuses me! Mixed signals are never a good thing, because in the end, we probably, totally would have dated. Call it crazy, but I'd like to think that I could make someone amazingly happy, and that someone could quite possibly think so too. Why waste my time with the probably not's, I want to meet Mr. Right, heck, even Mr. Maybe Could Be Right would be just fine! I'm no psychologist, and definitely in no place to give any ounce of advice to be held in high regard. However, I know what I want, and I want what I know. You'd be amazed at what you learn from watching other people. On that note, when did crazy become attractive? Seriously. I've had many people explain this to me because I totally don't get it! I mean really boys. You're telling me that even if a girl is totally crazy, and you recognize it...it's just something you look past? I don't get it. As a sane, completely normal girl, this is just not a revelation I understand. I have friends who I guess for the sake of dating someone, can overlook crazy tendencies. And is there no embarrassment factor for you boys? I will be the first to admit, that I care entirely too much about what others think, and that in part may be why I'm still single. But does dating someone who is just so unlike you, and slightly annoying..not make you a little self-conscious about what your friends REALLY think about her? Here's another one for pondering...why is it that when someone is completely un-available, they are suddenly so attractive! Perhaps it's the sudden realization that now, you really don't have a chance. Or maybe it's just the honest revelation that those feelings were there all along, and you never acted on it...but you should have. What is it about a slightly attractive guy that makes girls just act...and ask ridiculous questions? Things you would never think to question on a regular basis?
The scene: A casual, friendly, dinner date. At this point, you are more interested than him. He's totally oblivious to your feelings, as he is still putting out the friend vibe.
The Scenario: Dinner goes well. Conversation flows pretty well...work, weekends, family. All around nice time. He pays. But probably not because he's interested, just because he is a super nice guy. You end with a nice hug, and a "We should do this again..."
The Aftermath: Now, most would take this to be a possible future good friend. But you, wearing your blinding love goggles, suddenly begin to question every aspect of dinner! "What did he think about what I was wearing?" "Should I have not ordered a drink?"...yes, all silly questions. And yes, all things that cross a girl's mind. Dare I say we over analyze things?
I know what you are saying. Where is the confidence? And I will tell you first hand, that all that goes out the window just as soon as Mr. Right Now throws you a curve ball. You might call it "playing hard to get", but a girl with call it "loss of interest". As soon as that sets in, you can pretty much guess that your girl is second guessing everything about herself and you in the same equation.
I also don't understand this proverbial idea that because I'm twenty-three and single, I'm doomed for a life of solitude. Part of me is choosing to be single. I am not a complete loser, and I do get asked out on rare occasion. Call it shallow, but I want to be attracted to some aspect of you as a person if we are going to venture further than a drink and a date. I'm not just referring to looks here. I can't tell you how many times I've met someone on not necessarily been attracted physically. Personality really is a number one, and if you've got one, and a good one at that, I will become instantly smitten. Things do not have to be complicated. ever. Boy likes girl, boy tells girl, boy dates girl. End of story. All that other bs can be left out!:) Final word to the wise: baby talk is never attractive, unless you are talking to a baby. And even then...why would you want to be attractive to a baby?

Life's Little Annoyances...And The Moments That Snap You Back To A Happy Reality!

2009-08-04T19:48:00.007-05:00

-I just paid my electric bill...like I think last week...and already, one is waiting for me in the mailbox today! Fall oh fall where are you? I'm over paying for air conditioning in this Tx heat..
-Do you ever think you bought something...and then when you go to use it, its not there...or anywhere for that matter? It throws you into a crazy mind maze of Did I buy it? Did I use it? Did I buy it and leave it at the store?! Case in point...the wonderfully green, nice, new yoga mat, I am POSITIVE I looked at yesterday at Target...I know for a fact it was in my cart at one point...and I even, (maybe foolishly now) can remember putting it in my car after I bought it. But today when I went to get it...not there...not anywhere. Which only leads me to believe that maybe I never in fact purchased it, which is sad, bc now I am lying on a hard wood floor for workout time. Ugh. Which also means this will be a very short workout.
-So, childish as it may be...there is still nothing more exciting than coming home to packages! Even if I know they are coming! I ordered some swimsuits online the other day...and when I got home today, my mailbox was stuffed full of them! Call it superficial, but I was excited! You know what makes that excitement disappear almost instantly? When they don't fit! Which is my experience almost all the time! Which is why I've also decided that I can no longer be a consumer online...
Other than that, life is great! Ash is home...which I think I already blogged about..but it's been so long. She is feeling great! Exciting! We are turning 23 on Saturday, and so excited to reunite with family and friends. I can't believe however, that 23 is the birthday I am about to celebrate! I always laugh at ppl that act like any birthday that falls in the 20's is "getting old" but now that I'm saying it...23 sounds so old! haha, go ahead...I'll pause for your laughter. I know I'm ridiculous, and I agree, but really its...just weird. I think in part to the fact that mentally, I feel pretty on board with 23...28, 30. But at the same time, there are days where I still can't believe I'm legally allowed to be called an adult, much less expected to act like one:)
-This week has been pretty good so far! I've spent the last two days babysitting a beautifully adorable two year old. She is too cute! She giggles all the time, climbs all over me just to snuggle, and I'm pretty sure she let me play with her hair for about an hour today:) Which is why I'm certain when I have children, a few of which I hope are girls, I am going to have to invest in a pretty extensive line of hair clips and bows...and maybe a salon chair with make-up studio lighting:) Just saying. A good two days! We spent the afternoon in the backyard pouring water on every dry surface:) Dixie cups and a water hose=hours of fun for a two.....and twenty two year old:) I could listen to those giggles all day long.
-Tomorrow is going to be a busy busy...probably 12-13 hour day at work, and I think I'm kind of excited about it. It's been awhile since I've been there, since I had my wisdom teeth out, and dare I say it...I kind of miss it.:)
-On the wisdom teeth front...all is sort of well. I somehow escaped the puffy cheeks and bruising. I don't know how. Call my oral surgeon a hero, a legend...I just called him attractive. Yep, that's right. I didn't feel the need to say "Thank you...any special instructions..." in my drugged up stupor...nope, just smiles and giggles, coupled with a few stumbles as he escorted me to the car. My teeth are still sore, but hopefully that will be done soon. I'm over the jello. the pudding. the mashed potatoes...although, I am totally penning an award winning recipe I've created in the past few days. Paula Dean would be happy...Jenny Craig, Weight Watchers....probably not:) That is all for now,
xo loves

My Sweet Sister...

2009-07-05T20:47:00.009-05:00

-So it is finally here! Ash is scheduled to get my stem cells tomorrow afternoon! I am so so excited for her! This last few days has been really hard for her. the toughest part of this journey for sure. I'm praying desperately that everything takes. The nurses said that her numbers will bottom out by the end of tomorrow and that my stem cells should begin replicating over the course of the next 30 to 45 days. Her nurses joked that she is going to start acting like me...I had to tell them not to tell her that, she may tell them that she doesn't want my stem cells! All joking aside, we have waited for this day for six long months, and so so thankful that it is finally here! My mom and I have opted for a sleepover here at the hospital, and so we are both going to stay the night with my sis! I've been here for an hour and a half,and my mom just keeps me laughing. She insisted on having a dance off earlier to entertain Ash...only, I then had to explain to her what a dance off actually was.
Mom: "No no Amber we will both just dance at the same time!"
Amber: "Mom, that is not a dance off, that is a dance partner! This is how it works, you do a lame move, and then I do some that are way better...and I win."
Mom: "Well then watch out so I can get my hizzle on."
Needless to say, it lasted all of about five minutes. I think my mom and I were way more into it than my sis actually was. We were just beginning to choreograph a joint number, when she told us to stop. Oh well, still fun.
Funny Point Number 2: My mom had to drag in this recliner to sleep in, and when she moves the whole thing basically closes on her. I don't know that she finds it as comical as I do, but I'm sure she is laughing on the inside.:)
-The 4Th was fun! I didn't have any plans at all, but my friend Mollie and I ended up going to dinner on the lake,Mai Tai's and then watching fireworks at Mozart's over the water! BeAuTiFuL! We had a good time for sure! And I might have fallen in love with our waiter a little bit.
-I don't have much else at this point. I'm going to try and keep everyone posted with details tomorrow! Thank you so much for all the prayers, it's keeping our family going! Love you all,
xoxo a

When I Drive Home With The Radio Off...This Is What Happens...:)

2009-06-24T21:42:00.008-05:00

I am still waiting for the day that a sigh of relief brings me just that...relief. I exhale, just to inhale all that is waiting to be worried about. I am dealing with a lot right now, A LOT. Maybe too much, but at this point, I hoping that I can come to some sort of positive outcome to all the stress. I am moving a million miles a minute, only because its harder to process all that is going on when there is no time to think about it.
The car. That might be my only time for thinking, and lately, I am not liking the thinking that is happening there. I've said it many times, but I do not do hard times well. I live to be happy, make people happy, exude happy...and right now, happy is the farthest emotion from my grasp. I'm praying so hard for my family right now, for many reasons. I'm still unsure of what I'm supposed to be learning from all of this, and just when I thought I'd gotten all of the spiritual lessons that were there to seen...there are more.
Humility is one thing I've gotten pretty solidly, and I realize more now than ever that no one's life is EVER perfect. Not even for a second. Just when something seems solid, something else begins to crumble. A lesson that nothing can be predicted or planned for. I don't want to go through life with a list of "I Wish I Would Have's...", which is why I'm enacting a new policy of honesty for myself. I don't like lying, but lying to myself is something I do all too often. So in true honest fashion, a little unload of my honest feelings.
That all being said, we keep moving forward and hoping for the best. Ash and my mom have moved to San Antonio for the month to do her last round of chemo and radiation. Her bone marrow transplant is scheduled for July 2ND. I honestly believe we all have one extraordinary thing we are supposed to do in our lives, and I hope that my stem cells saving Ash will be mine. I don't need anything else but for her to be okay. I love my family with all of my heart. Please keep sending your prayers our way, I love you all dearly,
xoxo a

A Day In The Life...

2009-05-30T20:50:00.014-05:00

Pandora.
I just discovered a new love for the website! I mean I've dabbled on there before, but the other day, I must have mistakenly typed in 'Soundtrack To My Life'...because I'm pretty sure that is what was playing. Awesome.
Tyrone Wells.
On that note, if you haven't heard of him...you should download it ASAP. Amazingly talented. I love love his voice! He's right up there with my good friends Amos Lee and Ray LaMontagne!:)
School.
So I don't know if I ever officially said, but I am done with school for the summer! I'm ecstatic, and I made the Dean's List! So so exciting! It was a good semester, but I am glad it is over! I will say, I did have one of the most amazing professor's ever! You know how there are just those teacher's you know you are going to remember forever? Well, he is one of them for sure! Just amazingly awesome at showing what it is to be a good teacher, and showing what it is to love your job! I learned a lot.
Weddings and Such.
Brit's wedding is just a few weeks away! I'm getting so excited! It's so crazy! I realize this is the age that I'm at, but all of my friends are growing up! My best friend just told me last weekend that she is pregnant! So exciting! She is going be an amazing mother, and I'm so happy for her! I've been asking for someone to have a baby forever now!
Odd Things.
So I've recently had a small obsession similar to that of a sixty year old woman! I don't know why, and I have yet to come up with a decent explanation for my new found interest...but, I kind of love bird things! haha, hair clips, necklaces, rings, headbands, t-shirts...I mean if it has a sparrow on it...I probably want it! My sister has been making fun of me for two weeks now, and I can't say that I blame her.
Catching Up.
So I finally caved in to the pressure. I've made dr. appointments at basically every doctor I have been avoiding for the last year. I am not one of those people plagued with fear of doctors offices or anything like that, I just hate the inconvenience of taking off work! I work 7 days a week, if I'm not doing that, I'm usually in school! This does not leave a lot of time. So for the last year, I've just opted for not going! Well now my dr.s are calling me! So I'm taking the high road and getting it all taken care of!:) And it feels good.
Homeless Friends.
I was making my usual commute to the hospital yesterday, and I met a nice homeless man. I was just planning on giving him my $5 and rolling my window back up, but he wanted to chat...so I obliged. He was nice, and full of compliments! I mean I want to think he just genuinely thought I had beautiful eyes, and a "Kodak smile", but I think the $5 may have had something to do with his complimentary nature:) I will say, on my way to the hospital today, all I could think about was what I wanted to give him! "Hmmm, I only have $3 cash, so...I'll give him that and my Pepsi and my dinner..., I can get something else later..." sadly, my friend wasn't there! So until next time!
Alright kids, I'm tired, and ready for some music and then some sleep!
Much Love,
a

Donate Bone Marrow...Check! All Done!

2009-05-19T15:49:00.008-05:00

This is my beautiful twin sis, if you can't tell~ So yesterday was the big day! My part of the bone marrow collection process is complete! Now all that's left is for Ash to get my stem cells in July, and ideally, that will be her cure. I'm so excited! I finished my four day of shots and achy bones, and finally had the five hour collection process yesterday! All in all, not so bad! In fact, I'm a little embarrassed that I was so nervous. The 'metal rod' I was under the impression they were inserting into my arm...really turned out to be large metal needle, but def. not a rod. I'm still not aware of the point of the lidocane, bc you can def. feel all the needles after that point, but still not so bad. Other than some minor tingling bc of a lack of Calcium, all went smoothly! I spent the rest of yesterday sleeping, and I'm feeling pretty good today. Thank you so much for all the prayers, and if you want to keep updated with her progress you can @ this website!:
caringbridge.com/visit/ashleyhenley

Thanks loves,
a

Eight By Eight...I Know...You've Been Waiting Right?!:)

2009-05-16T22:52:00.000-05:00

8x8

8 Things I Am Looking Forward To:

1. My sister being cured of this Leukemia
2. Summer Summer Summer
3. Laying out by the pool
4. Britni's Wedding
5. All my friends coming home
6. A vacation I have yet to plan
7. Going back to Phi Lamb
8. Dancing The Night Away

8 Things I Did Yesterday:

1. Showered
2. Worked
3. Bathed a vicious German shepherd at work...but seriously, I'm like the dog whisperer...she didn't even try and eat me. She tried to eat our groomer.
4. I took a nap. Can we talk about the last time I took a nap...oh so nice.
5. On that note, I woke up every hour on the hour...1am, 2am...you get the idea.
6. I joined Pandora. I was really trying to resist, but I'm a lover of music, what can I say?
7. Relay for Life w/ my sis
8. Got to see Clayton! I love that kid!

8 Things I Wish I Could Do:

1. Move in to the hustle and bustle of a beautiful city.
2. Write A Book.
3. Go On A Blind Date.
4. Travel.
5. Pursue All The Things I Wish I Could Be Doing Right Now. Most Of Them Not Practical.
6. Rent A Small Beach House In Somewhere.
7. Go Inside All The Pretty Houses I See And Wish I Could Live In. I Really Think There Should Be 1 Day A Year When This Can Happen.
8. Say What's On My Mind Exactly When I'm Thinking It.

8 Favorite Fruits:

1. Mango
2. Strawberries
3. Cantaloupe
4. Raspberry
5. Apple
6. Peach
7. Lime
8. Orange

8 Places I Wish I Could Travel:

1. Greece
2. Italy
3. Ireland
4. Africa
5. New York..Again
6. Georgia
7. Seattle...Again and Again.I.Love.Seattle.
8. Maine
(I realize the last five aren't very exciting, but for some reason or another, I feel like those might be my cities. I can pretty much fall in love with anything, and I know I will love them!)

8 Things You Don't Know About Me:

1. I Don't Mind Being By Myself, In fact, Sometimes It's Preferred:)
2. Writing Is My Outlet, I Do It Everyday.
3. I Can't Sleep Until I've Thanked God For My Family.
4. I'm Really Messy, But I Fake Clean When Friends Come Over.
5. I'm Incredibly Self-Conscious, And Yet, I Wish I Didn't Care.
6. Famous Songwriter To The Stars Might Be My Dream Job.
7. Recently, I've Decided There Is Something Incredibly Romantic About Never Getting Married. I Mean I'm Not Saying Its For Me...But Just A Thought.
8. I'm Kind Of In Love With The Idea That On A Day To Day Basis I Get To Live My Life. For The Most Part, Its Pretty Awesome.

And It Went A Little Something Like This...Questions I'll Die Trying To Answer.chapter one.

2009-05-09T21:36:00.048-05:00

A Week Of Revelations...

2009-05-07T22:18:00.010-05:00

Wow. Last Semester is just that...last semester. Not without a few recent bumps. I am in the midst of a small battle, but hopefully that will be said and done tomorrow. I can't wait to just breathe.
-I called my Dad yesterday. Randomly. It's so funny to me to see the growing that is happening within myself. This time 5 years ago, I was still a wreck with how I felt about him, about our relationship, his abilities as a father, heck...even just his abilities as a person. My whole view of him all came to a head at a defining point in my life, and I honestly didn't know how I wanted our relationship to be...or if I even wanted one. If you are confused, you can brush up on all that is my life with this past post! So I called him. We've talked briefly off and on these past few months with all that is going on with Ash. He himself is going through a hard time with his wife. Through out our 10 minute conversation, I felt so bad for him. He desperately needs a hug, a friend. And then it just hit me. A daughter. He needs a daughter who can listen, and be all those things. He has hardly been a father to me in my 22 years, but I know he loves me, and he did give me five amazing years as a little girl, because I remember them. As I sat there listening to the uncertainty in his voice, I just felt this overwhelming need to say "Its going to be alright, and I love you." The last thing he needs is to feel guilt about our relationship. I'm okay. I wouldn't have my life any other way. My Step-Father is the most amazing man ever! So with that, I've decided if calling him once a week will brighten his days even slightly, than that's what I will do. Even if we have awkward conversation about doing the dishes and what is going on in Good ol' California..
-I bought the most amazing book last night. I literally have read two pages. This book is after my own heart, and I feel like if I would ever take the time to write the novel that is inside of me...this would be it! That being said, I think I am going to start writing said novel. I mean, I realize no one cares, but it will be for me. And I'll think it is witty and fun, and that will be fine:)
-I get paid tomorrow. I'm pretty sure I worked 90hrs @ job number 1 this week. I'm exhausted. EXXXHHHAAAUUSSTED.
On that note, I feel like I could be more exhausted, and so begins the 'Extreme Summer, I'm in a wedding in a month, It is time, ....WORKOUT!' .yeah. ugh. First of all, I would be more excited about this if I had a fun work out partner, and maybe a fun work out trainer! I get bored, and I need structure. That I'm going to work on...
-So I start all my Bone Marrow Stuff on Thursday~! I have shots of nupogen on Thurs, Fri, Sat, and Sun! Basically they are going to make me way overly produce my bone marrow, so much so that it pushes out of my bones and into my blood stream. Then Monday, I go in for collection....for six hours. Hooked up to machines for six hours. The nurses did make sure to tell me that they use a lot of lidocane for the process! Yikes! Be praying for that! I'm no nurse, and I'm postive I spelt all these drugs wrong, but I think that equates to a level of pain I cannot handle on my own! I'm okay with it. I know it will be fine, and the rewards are going to far surpass any amount of pain for sure.
Thanks Loves,
xoxo a
-

Wednesday, Thursday, SUMMER!

2009-04-28T17:08:00.006-05:00

--Okay, for starters, I am a terrible blogger. In the sense that I just have not had the time lately! Life has been c.r.a.z.y. this week, and the three prior! I am so ready to move on to that adult portion of my life, where I am already established in a career!:) This semester is finally coming to an end, Helllooooo SuMmEr! I have three days of classes left, and I am counting them down by the hour! I really just can't wait to be working non-stop without having to worry about going home to do homework. I was reminded last week how nice it is to have a paycheck that lasts more than a few days. I worked 68 hours w/ overtime! Awesome! I am def. looking forward to the days where I get one paycheck, and still have some leftover when the next one comes! On that note, can we talk about how lazy everyone is that I work with!?!? This has been a slight annoyance for me...oh for the past few YEARS! I have been at my current job since I was fifteen, so if you do the math...eight years! And I don't just have one, I work two different jobs. I get that in high school not everyone has a job, but it's a choice! If you don't want one, DONT have one! I'm pretty sure my work ethic in high school is exactly the same now as it was then! I just don't buy this "I am young, I'm allowed to be lazy!" stuff anymore! I hate confrontation, but sleeping?! Really?! It's one thing to completely disregard your job when I'm not around...but at least fake like you are busy when I walk into a room! I mean this blatant laziness is really just kind of ridiculous!
--This past weekend was good. Just the usual work and what not. Basically all of my friends are getting married this summer, so I went to a bridal shower for one, and helped address invitations for another. Can I just say, there is nothing that throws singleness in your face more than a wedding:) I already told Brit that I plan on meeting my husband at her wedding, so we'll see! I mean, I'm thinking if I catch the bouquet at at least one wedding, I will be well on my way!:) All joking aside, I really am so happy for them! Brit is marrying the sweetest guy ever, and I'm super excited to be a part of it! I plan on dancing the night away!
--So I went to SA last week to begin my proceedings for the bone marrow transplant. I had to go through a round of tests to ensure that I am healthy and ready to actually be my sister's bone marrow donor. Aside from being a match, the doctor's want to make sure that my body will hold up for the procedure, and all of the logistics with that. I should know in the next week or so. For some reason, I am nervous about all of this. I realize if something didn't work out, the control of the situation is out of my hands at this point....but if there is one thing I could give to my sister, I want it to be this. She is getting weary and her spirits are low. We are just so ready to move on, and my being her donor is exactly what we need. The procedure makes me slightly nervous, but honestly I'd give her my arm at this point if I thought that would cure her.
--That is all for now! Thanks Loves!
xoxo a

I Wear My Sunglasses At Night...

2009-04-18T20:19:00.003-05:00

Hi Friends! And yet another day in the life of Amber has come to an end!:) Good weekend so far. I ventured to College Station with Mollie on Friday to see Clayton STAR in Big River! It took forever to get there...bc we needed a boat. Seriously! I've never screamed in a car ride so much. My little cobalt seems to think she can fly too...bc that's exactly what was happening. A little scary, but we made it, eventually! So much fun! Clayton is seriously amazing...and yes, I already know this, but every time he sings...I'm reminded. Awesome! Just a really awesome show...so if your in the area, GO SEE IT! We had a lot of fun, and we only got lost a few times...I also may have bought the coolest sunglasses in the world. They are bright yellow raybans...but the kind that only cost $5:) But get this...they fold up into a tiny little square! Pretty much the best invention ever! I'm kind of in love with the whole idea. I'm back in Austin, and hanging out at the hospital with Ash tonight. She is feeling good, and kicking A on Round Two of Chemo! Hopefully she will get to go home on Tuesday,so keep praying!:) Tomorrow is a fun filled day of work and then some Jesus time:) At some point this weekend, I need to be a little school productive, but we all know how I feel about that. Thanks Loves!
xoxo a

This Is An Understatement.

2009-04-05T11:13:00.004-05:00

haha something very funny, and all too typical of me happened Friday night while I was re-arranging my room. I moved my bed, and apparently I was over painting my room when I got to that wall, bc I literally only painted down far enough that my bed would cover it up. Ha ha. So needless to say, I need to go buy paint...and fast! I have the furniture the way I want it, but now I need to do all of the fun stuff! I will say, why is that you sleep so much better when you make the bed right before you get in it? I don't really know, but.....amazing!

So I had to house sit for my boss last night, I really don't think I've ever been more bored! Her remote didn't work, so I had to get up and change the channel every time! That got old really quick, so @ 8 I decided it was time for bed. Here's the best part....it was still light out! I talked to my friend Adam for awhile, and then I went to sleep. What a lame Saturday night! So I'm working all day today, and that is no fun. Church tonight, and then it is back to re-decorating! HoPe EvErYoNe'S wEeKeNd WaS aMaZiNg! LoVe YoU aLl! xo

a

Because These Are All Things You Need To Know...:)

2009-03-31T17:20:00.008-05:00

Hello World~! It has been way too long, and by way too long, I mean...really not that long, but oh how I've missed you. So life is good! Ash got out of the hospital today. 2nd round of chemo....check! All finished for now. As for me, I'm doing great! Today was exceptionally fun for me, and I'm not really sure why! So my debit card has been M.I.A for 4 days now, and I was beginning to get worried. I'm mildly irresponsible, so I figured it was somewhere...but I had yet to find it! I searched my car yesterday, and I mean searched. I sat in each seat as though I regularly ride in the back seat.....and still no luck. I moved carpets...slid seats forward...backward...No Luck. So, in efforts to pretend like I was extremely interested in class this morning...I pulled out a notebook, and out fell my debit card! I cheered for myself in my head! Very exciting start to my day! Writing checks is so 2008, and a pain to say the least! So now the world can rest easy, I am back to my swiping ways! Being that my poor little debit card has been out of commission for 4 days, I think it felt a little neglected. So I bought 4 bras @ Victoria Secret! Here is the best part....wait for it.....only $30!!! Even I am proud of myself, and I am a bargain shopper on average! I even decided to buy a super cute sports bra which I think will only make working out happen more regularly! At least that is the idea.:) I think I am finally coming to terms with having a membership at the local Y for a year and a half now....I'm actually going to take that next big step(which in reality should have been the 1st big step...but I'm not much on rules)...THE MEMBERSHIP CARD. See, I've have been way too embarrassed to walk in and get it @ this point. I mean really, who signs up @ a gym...and then never goes back? Well, countless excuses have been running through my mind, but I am turning over a new leaf. I hear it's fun once you get in the swing of things, and I do love me a treadmill! So I am planning on going this week! So two amazing things happened today. 1. It is 'New Music Tuesday' on i-tunes, and that makes me really happy. Really Really Happy. And 2.I am starting the transformation of my room....finally! I hate my room right now. Hate it! Right now, it is 3, yes 3, different colors. I am probably, no, for sure the world's worst painter, and I think cutting in is a bother. So needless to say, my room looks like a 'test wall' for the Painter's of America (if that were a club or something). I finally have my mind set on what I want to do, and I am only hoping that it will turn out nicely. At this point I am just aiming for wanting to be in my room for more than five minutes, that would be an improvement! So church continues to be amazing! I'm pretty sure, I have been writing down the songs we sing...and then googling them when I get home! I love it! Awesome Awesome Awesome! And my little sister has been going with me, which is just cute! I love that she loves it as much as I do!
Much Love,
xoxo a

This Is My Life...

2009-03-13T22:49:00.006-05:00

So let's talk about what a busy week this has been for me. I am so so glad that it is finally coming to an end. Update: Baton girl brought...count em...1, 2, 3! batons to class on Tuesday. Thankfully, or Unfortunately(I can't quite decide)we had a test, and so therefore she could not put on a show for us. Otherwise, I'm pretty sure she would have given the show of a lifetime. I mean maybe after Spring Break she will bring all three back, and perform. I hope so.
-On to my next topic...Spring Break. I have this weekend and the next week off, so what am I going to do? I don't know. I am def. going to sleep in a little, spend lots of time with Ash, and I think I am also going to start that novel I've been talking about. I mean technically I've already written chapter one, but I am trying to figure out now what direction I want to go in. So I will keep you posted on that one.
-So question of the day. How do you make your hair grow faster? I really want my hair to grow fast...and I've heard that pre-natal pills will do the trick. However, part of me feels uncomfortable buying pre-natal pills, because 1. I am not pregnant. and 2. I could just get over that and buy some, but I also don't want the guy @ CVS to think I'm pregnant. I mean I'm pretty sure I would be okay if my hair just decided to grow on it's own! I even bought Loreal's "Long Term Relationship" accidentally the other day. So if nothing else...I am trying to persuade my hair to grow with every shower....
-Does Elisabeth Hasselbeck annoy anyone else to no end? I really used think I really liked her outspoken nature and what not...but now she just annoys me to no end. I don't care about EVERYTHING that is going on in your life, and I'm pretty sure I died laughing when Patrick called her Meredith when greeting her on Monday. And yet she still says thank you, and proceeds to gush all over him. He wouldn't even give her the time of day.
-I now have a theme song. My friend Clayton wrote me the most amazing song ever, and he finally posted it on Facebook! I love it so so much! He is awesome! As soon as he sends it to me, I will post it for sure!
-Last night I went to Christina's Apartment where we drank wine and didn't play Scategories, but it was still fun. We laughed as Jordan and Christina tried to re-create Beyonce's "Single Ladies" video. It was pretty entertaining to say the least. I didn't partake, for the mere fact that I didn't have enough wine at that point. But it was very entertaining.
-Well, I am at the hospital for the rest of the night...so feel free to text me! Church tomorrow...and I am looking forward to that!

Much Love. xoxo a

BlogTwitFaceSpace...Are We Friends?

2009-03-07T21:45:00.006-06:00

Is there such a thing as being a part of too many social networks? I'm pretty sure I'm up to 4 now.facebook.myspace.twitter.blogger. I know, 4 is not such an extreme number, but seriously! I spend entirely way too much time on the Internet, and managing 4 accounts all while trying to maintain some type of normalcy in my life is funny. You know what else is funny? The fact that people even read my blog for starters. I love writing, and don't misinterpret when I say I think I am the funniest person ever, but I do. What I find most entertaining is that most of what people tell me they think is funny, is just me being totally honest, or recounting something in my life that probably happens on a daily basis.
-So today Bobby Bones,Carlos and Lunchbox from 96.7 came to the hospital and visited Ash. I'm pretty sure they are some of the nicest guys I have ever met. They just sat and visited for like an hour. It was pretty awesome, we laughed a lot, which I know was good for Ash.
-Now can we talk about something for a sec? So Spring Break is in a week, and I have nothing to do. Ash will be home by then, which is awesome! Obviously I will be hanging out with her, but I also feel that this would be a good time for me to start working out! That's right, I said it. And I've been saying it for weeks now. Here is the funny thing. I own a scale, yet I don't believe in using it most of the time bc well I don't like to haunt myself with the number it returns. Anyhow, today I did something crazy. I weighed myself. I mean let's be honest, if I am going to start working out, and losing weight, than I really should figure out what I'm starting at right?!:) Much to my surprise, I am apparently not as fat as I feel. A solid 98! Lol, okay, maybe in 4th grade, but I was actually at my usual. This is funny bc, since Ash has been in the hospital, all I feel like I'm doing is eating. I guess not. All those stairs and hills on campus are apparently helping!:)
-Tomorrow I have to work again, and this I am not super excited about. I have about two weeks of stuff to be catching up on(as I sit here and blog...) and I really would rather be doing that.
-Tomorrow I get to go to church and that excites me. Nothing like praising Jesus a little bit!
-I need a dog. A cute one that will jog with me, bark at creepers trying to break in, and kiss and love everyone else. I also need pepper spray, bc as awesome as my frying pan is...it's true, it probably won't ward of any burglars.
-The new Super Target in San Marcos is amazing! Never have I enjoyed shopping for groceries all by myself so much! I also even ventured into the cereal isle, and decided that I don't have enough appreciation for all of the selections. This week I went with Rice Crispies and a Granola based selection. Now if I can only manage to actually eat some before the milk goes bad!
-I have been noticing my weird taste in names lately. Nothing crazy like Apple or Coco, but different. I mean not that this matters, I have nothing to name...but I am mentally preparing a small list of ones I like.
-This has turned into a very random post, which really, for me is not all that random. Hope everyone had a wonderful weekend! I really did!
Much Love.
a

Just Another Day In The Life....

2009-03-04T11:28:00.004-06:00

So at what age do you stop bringing toys to school? I only ask because yesterday as I sat in class, something caught my eye in the row in front of me. This girl in my class was twirling this:
A glittery baton! Now, let's get one thing straight here. I love toys too, and I have been known to obsess about a certain Disney character from time to time(I love you Hannah), but really?! A college class...right in the middle of lecture? Not only did she proceed to twirl this baton as if it was half time at the high school football game and this was the performance of her life, but she continued to twirl, and twirl and twirl! My cute professor didn't say a word. He really is probably the nicest man I have ever met, and I think he really just couldn't muster up the courage to tell her this was not playtime, and we were not actually at a high school football game. So she's twirling, and like most baton twirlers, she got a little cocky with her skills! She twirled her baton right out of her hand and into the heads of the not one, but two girls sitting in the row in front of her! "Oops! Sorry." They kindly handed it back to her, and what do you think she did? Yes, she began twirling it again!!! So by now, I am completely just staring at this girl, and well it really all began to make sense. She was wearing a sweatshirt with a cartoon character of some sort on the back, a pink hair tie with pink plastic flowers all around it, and she was really enjoying a bottle of chocolate milk. At this point I am convinced that she is a really smart nine year old getting a head start on those college credits!
So life is good right now, the semester is oddly enough kind of wrapping up! Crazy huh? I really can't wait for life to be normal again. I think the summer will give me some much needed downtime, and I pray that Ash is all better and on her way to recovery by then. Right now the biggest blessing would be that I am a bone marrow match for her. It really will cut her treatment time almost in half! I mean I feel like we are identical twins, so really we should have identical bone marrow right?! God, if this is not the case, you can go ahead and start doing your thing to make that happen. Mkay, thanks. I'm just thinking, we shared a womb, and that was fine...so now I'd just like to give her a few of my stem cells! The least I could do! I did push her out of the way so I could be "Baby A" and because of this, I got the cooler of the middle names...so it would only be fair. She has been such a trooper and so so amazing! Stronger than anyone I have ever met, and really just taking everything in stride.
So let's talk Bachelor for a quick second here. Molly, could you have been slightly more respectful and have waited to make out with Jason until after the show?!? I mean really! We get that you are excited that Jason still loves, you, but geez~! Okay, and that's all I will say.:)
Thanks Loves,
a

Hello Again...

2009-02-26T20:17:00.008-06:00

Did you miss me?! I have missed you friends, life has been and continues to be on the crazy side. I am so so blessed by wonderful friends and family that have really been my saving grace this past few weeks. Ash is doing so so well. She gets stronger every day, and I couldn't be more excited about it!
So I'm still in love with my church, and I really have learned so much! It is so much fun! I love it there, and I can't imagine what I did before I found Austin Stone!!!
So I'm pretty sure my car hates me, and 'little annie' as she has been called, wanted me to know just how much today while I was commuting on Ih-35. Now, sometimes she shakes a little...but I usually attribute this to the fact that I probably have never aligned my car in the year I've had it. This however, was not the usual "Oh, we are going to go over 70mph shake", No, this was very different! My car was not only shaking vigorously, but also spitting out white/blackish smoke from the back! My initial thought..."Oh God! When did I change my oil?!?!" Also, not something I love doing...I think its a big hassle, and I also think someone should invent a car that does this internally. I'm just sayin. So I quickly exited the STOPPED traffic, so that I could at least break down on the frontage road where someone would be more apt to stopping and helping me. So, still shaking...two stop lights later...my car miraculously fixes itself! Don't ask, so weird....so needless to say, I think I need to have it looked at, because although I think car flirting is fun...car flirting bc you are trying to tell me the smoke billowing from my car is blocking your view....not so fun.
Okay, can we talk about how obsessed I am with The Bachelor! Not literally, as Jason, for me..is just okay. I do love how much he loves his son, and I will say he is handsome, just not my type. I'm going to say I am more of the Travis Stork type. However, the show is a guilty pleasure for me! Sadly, I think Jason sent his wife home last week. But this is okay, because I'm pretty sure that Jillian should be the next Bachelorette, and that is just fine with me! Ultimately I think I will try out for The Bachelor in my lifetime, because I think it would be so much fun! I mean, cute boy...check! Fun girls....check! Amazing chance to just have fun...check check! Plus, I feel like this is just one of those things that would be fun to add to the list of things done in my life. Now while, their are a million other TV shows I would love to be on, I would potentially have the chance of leaving this one with a husband! Again, WIN WIN!:)
So Ash and I have been talking about moving...closer to home. Ash is going to have to move back home with my parents for awhile when she is able to leave the hospital. My parent's don't like that I am by myself at our house while she is in the hospital. I think they forget that I don't get scared by silly things like burglars, and not to mention my amazing escaping skills! Should the need arise, I feel like I am pretty descrete and awesome about getting out of the house. I mean there is a door right out of my room onto the porch...I feel like this is a plus. And I also have been known to sleep with my keys too:)

Oh The Things You Learn At Hospitals...

2009-02-16T16:05:00.006-06:00

1. Blood hanging in a bag on an IV rack is still just as disgusting as when you cut yourself...except maybe more bc it comes in much larger volumes.
2. I'm totally a baby, and needles still scare me. Well let's say I don't get scared but, for a split second I think I may pass out...and then all is well.
3. Foaming germ killer should be found everywhere you go! Funnest stuff ever, and it smells good, and your hands get all soft....and not germy! Win Win my friends!
4. The masks you are supposed to wear should be re-manufactured so that they are easier to breathe through! Like I'm pretty sure I could have just taken it off, bc it does not serve a purpose when I have to pull it away from my face every two seconds so I can gasp a small breath of air before the nurses come back.
5. Parking Garages really shouldn't be that difficult to maneuver. If you go down the stairs on one side of the garage, but decide to take the elevator back to your car on the other side of the garage....you should still be able to find your car! I have never used such a stupid garage. Def. not user friendly.
6. I have the best friends in the world! Everyone has been so so awesome.
7. 38th street might be the cutest in Austin. I need to live here.
8. Gelato is my new favorite desert! Except that you have to scarily run across four lanes of traffic to get it...but if you are going to get hit by a car....I think right in front of a hospital is probably the best place you could be.
9. Hospital gift shops sell really random things at really ridiculous prices. "Here is your bouquet of flowers, planted in a hat?...." yes, a straw hat. Price: $45.00
10. Purple is an odd choice for a hospital room. Not what I call a uni-sex color. Just a thought.

God Knocked Us Down, So He Can Bring Us Back Up...

2009-02-16T11:15:00.006-06:00

What a crazy couple of weeks it has been. My twin sister was diagnosed with Leukemia two weeks ago. It has been a whirlwind of a time for our family. She has already started treatment, and is on her way to recovery. I will say, I have never learned so much in such a short period of time. There is nothing more humbling, then being at the complete mercy of His plan. And that is just what we are, at His complete mercy. My family has really been thrown back into our faith, and it is being tested more than ever right now. I have been spiritual for a long time, but for my family, I feel like this has all been a big test. I have always been a beleiver in 'things happen for a reason', and I think God really felt he needed to get us to 'rock bottom' so we could rely on him and find comfort in eachother. Our family unit is so amazingly strong, and we have grown a ton. It is amazing to see all of the support that we did'nt even know was around. The amount of prayer that our family has received in this last few weeks is absolutely amazing. We have been so blessed, so so blessed with love and prayer from people. Some we didnt even know before all of this started. I am continually amazed by my sister. I really don't know where her strength comes from. I ironically had a conversation about three weeks ago with someone about God forbid I ever went through something like this, how I would be such a mess. I really don't think I could handle it. Ash has taken everything that comes her way with a smile. It is truly inspiring. I am so amazed by her will to get better and beat this Leukemia and I know she will be okay. I need her to be okay. I love her so much, and I have never appreciated having a twin quite like I have throughout this process. Ash started chemo last Tuesday and is on her way be being back to her old self. It is going to be a long journey, but I know we have God on our side.

It Is A Week For Lists...

2009-01-31T12:19:00.018-06:00

Because I love lists, and I have been so completely blogging like crazy...here is 100 things I hope to accomplish in the coming year! Enjoy!
1. Craft, Craft, and Craft some more.
2. Put on a swimsuit without being all judgemental.
3. Read the bible from beginning to end.
4. Actually read half of the books I own.
5. Carve my body into a state of fabulous.
6. Buy some really cute rain boots and wear them to school.
7. Spend one whole day in bed, with a radio, and nail polish!
8. Run a marathon.
9. Spend more time with my sisters and brother.
10. Take a weekend off and go to a bed and breakfast with my favorites!
11. Thank God each day for something beautiful! I am unbelievably blessed.
12. Take cooking classes.
13. Take a structured dance class.
14. Prepare a fabulous meal for someone I love.
15. Learn how to play my guitar.
16. Finish buying the box set of Friends
17. Pay off my Credit Cards.
18. Continue my obsession with Fused Glass, and start doing something with it!
19. Go back to Lost Maples, and show my friends my mad backpacking skills.
20. Aimlessly wander the streets of Seattle with a cup of Starbucks...from the original Starbucks @ Pike's Place Market.
21. Write my testimony.
22. Share it with someone.
23. Work on this whole single thing...
24. On that note, I need to learn to be okay with being happy.
25. Get a puppy I can go jogging with!
26. Spend more time just sitting with my grandmother.
27. Go skydiving!!
28. Drive to a random town...for the day.
29. Learn how to decorate cakes!
30. Start, Write, and finally FINISH a journal! I have like five going at this point.
31. Catch Lindsey Kane singing somewhere! It's been too long, and her songs are all amazing and inspiring.
32. Buy an old film camera, and delve deeper into my love of photography.
33. Tell someone how I am feeling about them with no thought as to what will happen when I am done.
34. Quit holding back! Life is too short!
35. Have a sleepover with all my friends, where pj's are the dress code, and silly board games are the agenda.
36. Start an address book, so I can quit texting my friends every time I need there addresses!
37. Buy a baseball hat for rainy bad hair days.
38. Play more sports!
39. Start a savings account, and actually put money in it.
40. Organize my closet...like completely!
41. Donate more money to charity.
42. Find more cute babies to babysit!
43. Spend a day on the lake.
44. Get my friends to realize I would have way more fun if they started blogs too.
45. Force myself to make awkward eye contact not so awkward.
46. Dance more!
47. Get a tan for once this summer!
48. Buy more high heels! You really can't have enough of these! And I def. don't!
49. Make my parent's go out on a date!
50. Horse Back Riding on the beach!
51. Heck, even just laying on a beach would be nice!
52. See an Opera or musical!
53. Clean my house amazingly well, and keep up with it for more than two days!
54. Realize that going to the doctor on a regular basis is a good idea! It's just so darn inconvenient! Ugh...this one annoys me already!
55. Be happy and healthy, caring and content
56. Put more trust in God.
57. Find a long term volunteer project.
58. Explore writing as a career option...after I graduate of course. Maybe free lance....hmmm
59. Stand up for myself more.
60. Get a massage.
61. Learn to love Pilate's and yoga:)
62. Sit in the front row @ church and worship with the "hand raisers" during the first set of songs.
63. Watch more movies...I buy them...and straight on the shelf they go!
64. Be more productive with my time...this procrastination thing is getting slightly ridiculous.
65. Re-Decorate my room...and not in one week. I always get in a hurry. This is why my room is three different colors right now, nothing matches, oh yeah, and I hate it.
66. Start being honest with myself about all the things I know I need to be honest about.
67. Try sushi
68. Go to a karaoke bar and sing it up a little.
69. Take more videos on trips! These are always so funny!
70. Download more classics, as they just make me happy. And seriously, tell me you can't find a song to relate to everything you are going through?!?! It's just not possible.
71. Delight in the little things.
72. Learn how to take a compliment.
73. Fall deeply in love, helplessly and unconditionally.
74. Write the novel I know I have inside of me.
75. Go White Water Rafting!
76. And Skydiving too!
77. Find someone to do these things with me!:)
78. Ski something other than the greens!:)
79. Learn how not to say yes, when I really mean no.
80. Go camping...
81. Build a life size snow man.
82. Get my wisdom teeth out! I mean really I don't want to do this at all, but I am sick of being lectured when I go to the dentist.
83. Write down all of my business ideas! Haha There are a lot...the 1st: A Cute Little Bistro called...Just Dessert!
84. Continue to be an instrument of God's Love.
85. Volunteer at a Soup Kitchen.
86. Go to the salon and do exactly what I want to my hair without questioning it a million times, and then just saying.."Do what you did last time."
87. Dance Party!
88. Decorate my Backyard super cute, and have a BBQ!
89. Buy a BBQ pit.
90. Go Rock Climbing
91. Audition for The Bachelor...haha this is purely so I can say I did, not necessarily how I would like to meet my husband...but what a fun time! I love that show! And I would be fulfilling my Monday Night Crew's dreams!:)
92. Join a communities group at Austin Stone
93. LOVE LOVE LOVE
94. Find peace in things I don't understand.
95. Learn how to do car things...change my oil...and a tire..by myself...I did this once, but Ash helped me...and we might have cracked her car bc we put the jack in the wrong spot....
96. Sister's Trip To Georgia!
97. Amtrak Train it somewhere....
98. Make A's in all of my classes
99. Continue to blog...
100. Eat at a restaurant by myself....no actually I take this one back. I don't need that kind of self-confidence. I would be so miserable. So eat with a ton of friends instead!

All My Single Ladies...

2009-01-30T18:53:00.018-06:00

So before you start reading this, please push play below so sappy love music can play in the backround while you read about my sad sad life and laugh...bc we all know I do not take myself seriously at all...it just is not possible. So my Mom and well most of the women in my life are always wondering what is "new" in my love life...and because of this I have decided to change my ring tone to "Secret Lovers". This way every time it rings...I inadvertently avoid the question, and get a laugh all at the same time. Haha, I think this is very very funny. You know what's most funny out of all of this...that the question gets asked every time I see someone. Like, I think they are waiting for "Oh yeah, I actually had time to go to the Boyfriend Market this week, and well, they had great stuff!" I don't really know where you meet nice boys. I mean I've heard church is a good place, although it's not why I go, and I also don't know that wearing my "single" sticker on my forehead is completely appropriate. I have also heard weddings are a nice place, and because all of my friends are getting engaged...I'm thinkin this one may pan out for me. Please don't take this blog as a desperate cry, as I am very content in my singleness. I have been forever. I will say it would be nice to have someone to talk to from time to time, laugh at me most of the time, with me on occasion. Oh and someone to see scary movies with. I love scary movies, and while I do get incredibly, ridiculously scared...it is all well and good at the theater...It's the trying to fall asleep without seeing slasher faces every time I close my eyes. That is the tough part. If I could find a boy that wouldn't mind whipping out some insane karate moves should the occasion arise...yes, that would be great. And I mean we will just call you my boyfriend for traditions sake. Also, why is it that when you go out, cute boys just stare, and all the creepers come up and creep? This I do not get. I think it's funny to when they creep all night, and yet, even when politely put down...they still want to hang out and follow you to every other bar you go to. Hmmm. I feel like rejection once, is rejection enough. But who am I to judge. This is all coming from the single girl, who has hug a pillow and sleep with a frying pan after scary movies!:) So this is the new plan...and by new, I mean it's been the plan all along, I'm just hoping it starts to work soon: I am going to continue being mildly available and def. the coolest, most fun girl ever! I'm going to let all the cute, nice boys wake up and quit dating all the wrong girls...and as a last resort, I will wear my "single" sticker on my forehead, all while flashing my ring-less left hand, and singing Beyonce's "Single Ladies". I feel that in a desperate hour, this may just do the trick.:) If this blog entry confuses you in the slightest, please refer to number 31 in the following blog: And You Thought You Knew Me. This should clear things up for you.:)
Leaving You Laughing I Hope,
xoxo a

And You Thought You Knew Me...;)

2009-01-28T21:32:00.021-06:00

For lack of a better blogging topic, and frankly a need for something not so serious...for you: A List Of Random Facts About Yours Truly:
1. I am obsessed with split ends. Not other peoples...those people are called hair dressers, and they actually get paid to be obsessed with split ends. I just like finding mine, and cutting them off!:) It's the little things in life.
2. I probably should have been kidnapped years ago. Walking alone late at night, going to the store by myself, jogging in the dark...these things do not scare me.
3. I genuinely believe if Britney Spears met me(well really, any celebrity for that matter) she would want to be my best friend. I think I could balance out her crazy nicely.
4. My giant audience of five blog followers...is probably as accomplished of a writer I am ever going to become.
5. Compliments make me happy. Even if they come from homeless men in wheelchairs...I don't like to question motives, it is not polite.
6. My mother once told me that eventually boys will want to date a nice girl, and that they will get sick of dating sluty girls...seven years later...still waiting.
7.Sometimes to pass the time at work I fill my online shopping cart with all that I wish I could afford to buy...I then sigh...and usually get back to work.
8. Also on that note...I often go to homesearchaustin.com as if I am actually looking to buy a home. Now what makes this fun you ask? Price Range: 3-5 million!!! So if any of you Austin millionaires are looking for a place to live...I can probably point you in the right direction. And there are virtual tours. Awesome.
9. If fitting the contents of a bedroom into a small two door car were an Olympic Sport...I'd hold the gold medal for sure.
10. While we're speaking of records, I could also probably hold one for the most diet coke cans found in a car.
11. If you live in the Buda/Kyle area...I will probably recognize your dog before I realize I know you too.
12. I love love love Speghetti O's. Like more than you know!
13. I live in organized chaos basically all the time...but I consider myself to be a clean person.
14. I think A1 Steak Sauce fixes everything! "Rice a little bland...no worries". It's okay, Ash tells me I'm disgusting daily for this one.
15. Cereal only tastes good between the hours of 1 and 4 am.
16. I am obsessed with I-tunes...my debit card...not such a fan.
17. On road trips I make up ridiculous games to pass the time. Sadly, the only player: me, and most revolve around the yellow dividing lines on the road. Intrigued? I am always looking for a solid "Player 2"
18. Secretly, I'm a total peace loving hippy. Except I like hygiene and I can live without the whole jail protesting thing.
19. I like weird fashion trends...however, most of the time they don't make it out of my house. I often walk to the front door with total confidence, open it, laugh bc I feel self-conscious, and go back to my room to change.
20. I take full advantage of the fact that I don't have to share my bed with anyone. I used to be such a courteous "one side of the bed sleeper" and then I asked myself, "Why?!!" I say move to the middle, and make like a starfish!
21. This is one of my favorite numbers.
22. I've said it many times before, but...Seattle is my favorite city in the world!
23. I will tell you all year long that I can't wait for it to get cold outside...after about five minutes...I'm totally over the weather.
24. I truly believe I can type faster on a laptop. Maybe it's just that the clicking noise is more fun on laptops...but if asked how many words I can type...I'm going with the lap top number!
25. What I did with my life before this blog...I don't know. I feel I may have been a really boring person.:)
26. FUN should be my middle name bc 1. "that's so fun!" is a phrase I am thinking I should copyright, and 2. Obviously I am FUN, or my friends fake like I am...which I am okay with:)
27. If anything ever happened and I had to pick new parents...I would pick Brit's! 1. They are as obsessed with t.v. as much as me, so really you can't go wrong there. 2. They don't make me knock before I come in...so technically I already have the same privileges as a real family member. 3. They have a pool table which always makes for fun. 4. They are just awesome! And finally, 5. they laugh at all of my stories, and well let's be honest, this is a good confidence booster.
28. If I could lay outside all day, with super fun sunglasses on, and listen to Damien Rice...I would be an amazingly happy girl! I mean more so than I already am...if that is even possible.
29. I really like juvenile hair things like headbands and hair clips. Oh so cute!
30. I'm a closet ballet/salsa/hip hop/back up dancer. Basically anything you would see on Dancing With The Stars...I have probably re-created in my kitchen.:) Why the kitchen you ask? Because that is where I have the most room, and someone as classically trained as I needs lots of room to execute such skilled tricks.:)
31. I am probably the most sarcastic person you will meet, aside from Donnie Joseph.
32. I love my friends more than you can know! I would do anything for anyone, but especially these amazing ppl. My life would seriously be nothing without them. I thank God everyday that Texas is where I call home, and can only imagine how different life would be if I grew up in Los Angeles.
33. However, had I grown up in Los Angeles...my chances of living like LC from the Hills may have panned out a little better.
34. I rocked spandex bike shorts and Keds for three years of my life...and I'm pretty sure I thought I had the best fashion sense ever. Awesome.
35. When I used to go for bike rides as a kid with my sis Ash, we would pretend they were cars and use our hands as blinkers while "switching lanes" in the middle of the street. All accompanied with an appropriate "blinker noise".
36. If I hear a name I love for babies...I write it down. At the rate I'm going, my kids are going to have to have five middle names, a nickname...haha
37. I still eat "Peanut Butter Spoons"...not just a snack for four year olds.
38. There is a questionable picture in the yearbook of me caring a baby blanket...I was in the seventh grade. Why my mom didn't think this was a good time to intervene?....I don't know!?! :)
39. I will probably call you "love" "beautiful" "pretty".... all before I use your actual name. terms of endearment!:)
40. Driving from school I saw a girl wearing this:
this is never okay in Texas...really anywhere for that matter.
41. Coffee shops may be my new favorite hang out: they play fun music all the time, they have cute chairs for you to sit in, and duh...the coffee is nice too. Oh and they have people you can watch! One of my favorite past times. Oh and...if you stay long enough...they bring you really good yogurt samples! That may just be bc Jordan and I looked cute...hard to say:) Jk!! I'm really not that narcissistic.
42. I once had an ebay account, but I decided that betting wars to buy something was just way too stressful! Why do people think this is fun?
43. I am a sucker for chivalry. If you open a door for me, I will probably be in love by the end of the night.
44. I get really excited if I can remember what I dreamt about the night before.
45. I think everyone should go to New York City once in their lifetime. And when you go...here is a small list of things you should do:
Take your picture with Hannah Montana at the wax museum and let everyone think you really met her.

Walk really fast like you know where you are going, and talk in a new york accent.
Take a speed boat tour of the harbor. But not the nice speed boat tour...the kind of trashy one where they spray you with water guns the whole time. Way fun!
Stare at cute business men in Grand Central Station...this is easy to do because they are everywhere!
46. While I own a ladder, I think it is much more fun to balance on my sister's back (cheerleader style), all while trying to reach my smoke detector that has been beeping for batteries for two weeks. Nice.
47. I feel it needs to be stated...I've never had a broken bone before. I fall down A LOT too!
48. I love to sing in my car with the radio really loud! And if you catch me...I'm okay with that.
49. I cannot do a load of laundry like a normal person for the life of me! Wash it...check. Dry it...check. Fold it...um..not thank you. This looks like a nice, clean spot on the floor. And in a week when I can't remember if you are clean or dirty...we will just try again.
50. I am one of the most random people you will ever meet, but I can guarantee it will always be a good time. If we aren't friends, we should be.
Thanks LoVe'S!!
xoxo a

taking some time...

2009-01-28T09:30:00.005-06:00

To say that this has been a tough week would def. be an understatement. I am still trying to understand how God works, and today, I just don't get it. These past few weeks have been absolutely amazing! I've never felt so close to God, and this week I have been knocked down for sure. I've been crying all week, and for someone who genuinely loves being happy...it just sucks. I am trying so hard to have faith in what is happening in my life knowing that God has it all figured out, but wow...some space for clarity and a chance to recouperate would have been nice. I know things are going to be fine, and thank goodness I have the most amazing family ever...I seriously don't think I could deal without my Mom and Dad. So many things have come into question this week, and I really just don't know where to turn. I am overwhelmed and just plain exhausted. I continually turn to God, and I can't find comfort fast enough. At this point I am just trying to surround myself with friends and family in hopes that I'll get back to my happy self soon. I really hate feeling like I can't be glad in everything that is going on in my life, because typically I feel so so blessed. I'm just trying to remind myself that things could be so much worse if I didn't have the support system I do. I love my family with all of my heart, part of the reason I'm struggling so much right now. I am so so broken, and all I want to do is find peace in it all. I need to be happy, it is all I know how to do. I don't do sad well, and it's tearing me up like you can't even imagine. Sorry for the barrage of emotion...but I needed to release it somewhere.

Beautiful Orphans...God, and FUN! My weekend in a nutshell!

2009-01-25T17:53:00.014-06:00

So I def. got to go to the most amazing thing ever this weekend! Well aside from the fact that I am slightly obsessed with Africa, I knew as soon as I heard their little voices, I was in love. I got to go see the African Children's Choir perform in San Marcos and omg I loved them! They are a group of Ugandan orphans that travel around the world sharing their stories! So so amazing! The cool thing is, that they aren't up for adoption. The whole point of the choir is to raise money so that these children can be reared in native villages and brought up around their African culture. Just a really cool concept that I am so glad I got to be a part of. Here are some terrible quality videos that really don't do justice, but I will share anyway...all you really need to hear is their beautiful voices, and that's it!

So my sorority had our full retreat this weekend...good times. We laughed a lot, and ate good food...always a good combination I think. Anyway, then I topped off the evening by going to Austin Stone with most of my favs! Jordan, Ash, Christina, Sunny, Boyfriend(not my own, Sunny is just funny and refers to hers quite literally),Good times! I just love love love this church! It is pretty much the most amazing thing ever! I love that I am excited about church again! They always say that you need to be spiritually fed, and that bible studies and prayer is just not enough. And now, I could not agree more! I really haven't gone to church in a long time, 1. because I just don't have a passion for my regular church anymore. It is extremely traditional, and everything and everyone I once loved about that church just isn't there anymore. 2. My schedule sucks! That is a terrible reason not to go to church, which is why I love Austin Stone! They give you every opportunity for that not to be a reason you don't go! I leave just feeling good, which I don't think is ever a bad thing! The sermons are amazingly informative, and I really am getting so so much out of every Sunday I attend! It's way cool. We went to Trudy's for dinner afterwards, which is always fun! Probably my favorite restaurant at the moment, and I really don't want to say how many times I have been in the past month...bc that would just be embarrassing for myself. School is back in full swing, and I feel like I might be getting to a place where I could become overwhelmed.:) I just have a lot to do in these classes, so staying on top of things is going to be key for me! I will say though, I have already done some extra credit, so yeah! Way to start right!?:) I think it will be a good semester anyhow, and I feel like I can make A's in all of my classes as long as I keep with it. A's make my parents happy, and I don't feel like a loser, so I think that is the plan I will go with.
So my friends and I were having an interesting conversation at dinner last night. We were talking about being mature for our age. My sister Ash seems to think it is weird to think that I am mature for my age. I def. didn't agree. She argued that it is one thing to think that you are, but for me to say so of myself was weird...I don't know, bc obviously I don't think it is. I feel like I'm pretty versatile in this sense because I can def. get along with a wide range of age groups. My fifteen year old sister and her friends: check, my friends all ranging in age from 18 to 25: check,my parent's friends: check! my grandma's friends: check!(And yes, we are really friends! I take her to her historical commissioners meetings once a month, and it has to be said that each month I already have a name tag waiting for me at the sign in table. Those old people love me! But what can I say, I think I was a pretty cool 60 year old woman in a past life). So I just guess I don't really see why it is weird that I think I am mature for my age...thoughts? I asked my mom this same question, and she said that I am still young but that I've experienced a lot...so that's probably why I feel that way. Her words exactly: "Well, look at it this way. Your mature in the sense that you've had the college experience, and you've always worked and been really responsible. But you never went through that whore stage, so that's good. Your mature that way too I guess". That whore stage? Who even knew that was a stage in life?! Haha, thanks mom! Glad I could make you proud by not being a whore. So just in case you were wondering...if you went through said stage, I guess you are not as mature as I:) Now here's another question. Can you be totally in love with High School Musical and Hannah Montana and still be mature? I argue yes! Now I understand as a 22 year old this is probably not completely acceptable to most, however, I like to think that this is just one more factor that makes me an incredibly qualified babysitter. I am around children a lot, so I think the fact that I like the same shows they do...only a plus! Like another great qualification in the job of life! "Hmmm we need a new babysitter...." "Look this one already likes the same movies! Hired"! It's really no different than you grown men playing video games all day...and I know you all think you are mature...and even with my love for Disney, I can guess that I am still a few years ahead of you:) Also, I've been really trying to figure this whole work thing out. I really think its time to cut back on the weekends! I mean we're going on year 7 of weekends, and at this point I'm over it! So yeah...I think that at this point, I actually have good reasons as to why being there on the weekends all the time, just isn't working for me. I absolutely love church, and so I don't want anything to get in the way of that, and I really want to actually go see my friends this semester! It doesn't help that they are all spread out College Station, Houston, Austin, Los Angeles, Seattle, Vegas...okay...not those last three, but still it would be nice to just have the option should I feel the need to randomly road trip it to see them!

And They Say Kids Say The Darndest Things...

2009-01-15T21:07:00.014-06:00

First things first...if you haven't seen this movie..RENT it...actually Buy it, bc its that awesome. okay can we talk about how cute little kids are?! I mean geez. I was babysitting tonight...and seriously! Funniest kid ever! I love little kids, they always say the funniest things! Not to mention that they all think they know all there is to know about the world. And well really, who are we kidding...i learned most of the important lessons young too!:) The little boy I babysit is three years old! Three, and already he is very precise about being called by his full name, wearing his clothes right so he can be a "cool dude", and oh so much more. This all came to me tonight as he sang "Ho Ho the missing toe, tumbled down his sleigh..." with total confidence...as if there was any question to the accuracy of his lyrics. So much fun! He did proceed to tell me that he didn't like me at one point this evening while we were putting on pj's...to which I replied like a three year old..."that is not very nice, and I thought we were friends!" I like to lower myself to that of a three year old!:) I think had mom picked out some a little cooler...there would have been no problem!:) Don't kill the messenger right!? I'm sorry turtles aren't as cool as T-Rex, but you are three, and you can't even say Tyrannosaurus Rex!:) Will's parents have the lock on the outside of the door bc he gets up so much! He hates bedtime. This has forced him to crawl out of bed and yell under the door "Hey! Hey! Hey You!" at every slight noise I make from downstairs. It's really quite funny. "Do I get the remote...no, too loud...I think I'll just sit here in silence instead." So this past few weeks have been mildly boring, as most of my friends have gone back to school, and well I work ALL THE TIME! I've def. decided that I hate one of my jobs, and by decided, I mean I've known all along, I am just choosing now to fully accept it. I find it all kind of draining...but I have to stick it out a little longer. I think the earlier portion of this post is a testament as to why I should be working in a daycare. I mean think about it! You get to play with cute kids all day...without having to take them home! It's like the end of the day and.."You are too fussy...well here you go Mrs. Smith, have fun tonight! Please bring him back tomorrow when he is happy again" I mean really, win win situation! I really had plans to quit this job last week, and then three other employees beat me to the punch...and well let's be honest...I felt bad for my manager. So it is what it is. So last night I went to Chuy's with a few of my girlfriends, and we really had a blast. A few fun things that happened at dinner:
Our hostess let us know the table was ready....by singing over the intercom.
Jordan and I drank margaritas and giggled a lot...(I'm pretty sure we were actually being funny, but its really not relevant. We pretty much laugh all the time together.)
There was a super cute baby at the end of the table next to us...that just kept waving. Love It. I have def. become that weird girl that not only stares at your babies at dinner...but if you'll let me, I might ask to hold them too...but I swear I'm not crazy or anything!:) I just genuinely love babies! Aww so cute!
We caught up on all that is going on in each others lives, and it was just a good night with the girls. One I think I'm going to have to repeat every night this weekend until school starts on Tuesday! (Something I am not excited about..but what are you going to do?) I went Starbucks on Sunday night...pretty much with this same group, minus Christina, and add a Clayton...and we had so much fun too! Clayton wrote a song for me that is pretty much the most amazing song I have ever heard! He is going to record a video for me and then of course you will all be hearing about it! I feel like when a friend can write a song that even mentions how I sign my notes xoxo a....it is a good thing.
So I totally have a new outlet, and it is so so so much fun! And by fun I mean addicting! Like I really found myself sitting in my room last week counting change to see if I could go to the glass store!"hmmm $5.00, okay that will buy me...!" Cocaine...not so much. Colored glass...YES PLEASE! I'm a junkie for crafts, what can I say? I've been making fused glass plates and jewelry! So awesome! I love it! ! And can I just interject that of all the addictions I could have...besides Bachelor, I think this could be a good one.:) Also, funny that I just asked if I could add that...this is my blog...I can do whatever I want! Anyway....that pretty much gets you up to date! Enjoy! Also, shout out to Jordan, I love that you love to read this...that pretty much makes my day. Especially since reading is really just like a recap for you...we have basically spent the last month together...ALL THE TIME! But either way, it is still aWeSoMe! Thanks Love!
xoxo a

SoMeTiMeS eVeN i NeEd To PiNcH mYsElF...

2009-01-10T09:54:00.003-06:00

So let me just start by saying that I typically lead a life of randomness, however this past week has been extremely random and fun to say the least! I love love love my friends, and they are pretty much the reason I love my life so much! I'm sure everyone probably feels the same way I do, but I really don't have the same kind of fun with anyone else. I also got a glimpse into the future this week. As you know, I'm going to be a bridesmaid in my best friends wedding in June. One of the other bridesmaids is going to be 7months pregnant at the time of the wedding...so needless to say,finding a dress that will accommodate everyone has been difficult. So we are at the Bridesmaid store, and we think this dress is cute...well and this is pretty much how the rest of the conversation went:
Bride: "So do y'all like this dress?
Maid of Honor and me: Yeah, it's totally cute! But really how is this going to work for someone that is pregnant?!
Bride: Let's ask the shop people how they can alter it...that might help.
Shop Lady(to me): Yeah, that dress can totally be altered, but do you want to try on the pregnant suit?
Me: Um, yes please!!!
Mind you, I am not the one that is going to be 7 months pregnant at the wedding...let's just make that a clear statement! haha
Sidenote: why it is totally a legit prop to have in a bridal store, we all still thought it was very funny! So I quickly went from simple bridesmaid, to that of an expectant mother! So funny! And while I've never been 7 months pregnant, I'm pretty sure this was an accurate account of what I can physically expect. Of course I had to play the part, so I even took a few photos with with my best "motherly" pose, cupping my unborn pillow child of course! We topped off the afternoon with Trudy's for drinks and stuffed avocado! Great Day! And, it wouldn't be fitting if we didn't end the night seeing Bride Wars, which we somehow dragged our guy friends too. Good movie, and I do recall them laughing quite loudly, so I know they enjoyed it, though they may not admit it as openly as I. We went back to Brit's afterwards and played Dork Ball for a few hours. For those of you not familiar, it is a ridiculous game we played in high school where you basically take turns running around the pool table all while keeping the cue ball, and one other ball moving in unison with the order that you are supposed to hit it. I know that really makes no sense, and really until you embark on the wonder that is this game....you really can't understand. And last but not least, my friend Clayton wrote the most amazing song I have ever heard! It was absolutely amazing, and so so funny! I wish I could share, and soon hopefully I will. I have already put in my request for an "Ode to Amber" as I think it should be properly named. I came home to find that my friend Mollie had left me a message that read as follows:
"so I just realized that the majority of people we know are either engaged/married/or have children or preggers. survey says we're a little behind schedule. :/" to which I thought long and hard in my reply:
"established. which is why I have decided that though we may be sad, lonely, single, and running out of time to pro-create....we can relish in the fact that we still have some things going for us.....our sense of humor, each other of course, and ice cream! Although we may be doomed in the love department, (and yes doomed is possibly a strong word choice...but equally appropriate as well...)we will always have roomate options....and means, and extra rooms for lots and lots of cats....Because if you are plagued by an eternity of singleness (RECAP: like we seem to be setting ourselves up for ), then it is only appropriate to fill the void with something as furry and cute as these. We can start the collection out small (so the humane society doesn't catch on of course)....then we just let them explode! We'll start the hording around year 2. And that my friend, is why we are just fine. No worries. Your welcome.

the only planner you need,
amber

So that was my weekend in a nutshell. Lots of fun!n I've got it all figured out...and there is still fun to be had! One more week still school starts...again! Oh the life of a college student!:)

Just When I Thought It Couldn't Get Worse...It Gets Better!

2009-01-05T12:21:00.003-06:00

So the holidays are coming to a close, and I am really kind of upset about it all. I have had a lot of time off recently, which is always cause for some soul searching and self reflection for me. Now, I do this on a daily basis....analyze my life and where I am at...and well, things are looking up! For now anyway. I have been anxiously avoiding looking up my grades for the past month bc I have been so nervous! When I say I am a procrastinator...it is most def. an extreme understatement! I also love to focus on the positive, and by focus I mean totally avoiding any aspect of negativity at all costs! I really have not been able to fathom the idea of another disappointing semester, so I just completely shut it out of mind. I pretty much had to make a certain GPA this semester in order to register for next semester...blah blah blah! Well seeing as classes start in a week or so..I decided to be a big girl and just check them. I DID IT! I am officially back on track, and taking classes that actually pertain to my career choice. I cant even begin to explain the weight that has been lifted. I really don't think I could have handled being a loser for yet another semester! I have seriously been thinking about where I could move when my life falls apart, bc that is what it has felt like! For the past two years, I have just been stuck in this crazy place, and I really have felt like I was running out of options! And please don't take that comment wrong, bc I know school isn't for everyone...those of you not going, I envy you. I really do. I envy the ability to stand up and say, this is a better plan for me. I envy that you have such faith that you can pursue your dreams freely and openly! I wish I had the courage, but right now, I'm not there...so school is my only option! I have a million dreams I want to embark on, but I can't do it until I know I have satisfied my parent's dream for me...a college education. I have been trying to play catch up for three semesters now, and it's been really hard emotionally. Thank God my parents have been supportive, but I still feel like a disappointment to them. Financially, I am not equipped to pay for school myself, and so that has been weighing on my heart a lot. Graduation is no longer an idea, but a reality that is in the sort of near future..(about a year). Whew...I feel like I can breathe again! So this past few weeks has been amazing for the most part, despite one sucky situation...but one I can't do a lot about...so I'm putting it out of mind for now. All of my friends are home from school, and I love them...A LOT, so seeing everyone has been amazing! I am playing with the idea of finding a new job...as one of the current ones...not so great. I am actually kind of excited! It has needed to happen for a very long time now, and I am finally ready to be selfish. I don't really know what I am going to do in terms of employment right now....this is actually going to force me to budget~ YIKES! I know it is all in Gods hands, and so I'm really not trying to stress too hard. So now that you are mildly updated on the crazy life that I lead....I LOVE YOU ALL! Thank you for your comments, as you really have no idea how they help me through!:)
xoxo a

Merry Christmas Friends...LoVe YoU...A lOt~

2008-12-23T00:25:00.006-06:00

Now I am sure you are all sick of hearing it, but can I just say how wonderful life is?!?! I always think how different my life would be had my parents not gotten divorced,and i actually grew up in California! I really can't imagine it! It's kind of crazy! I'm pretty sure I would basically be the same Amber, kind of free spirited and creative....although I have to say, I think if I lived/grew up in California, I might have a slightly more exciting life...bc I love California, and it is amazing! However, I have met the most amazing people here in Texas! I love love love them so much! And therefore I think it is necessary to dedicate this post to that which I think makes my life so so so sweet! My Friends!
Ash: I mean, despite the fact that we literally have the same DNA, you are the most awesome girl I know! I love that I can just look at you and I know we are thinking the same thing! You are too much fun, and I couldnt imagine living with anyone else for the last 21 years!
Elysia: you are way too fun! Who could have guessed that one awkward picture would lead to such an awesome friendship! If I knew such great things would come, Im pretty sure I would ask to take an awkward picture with every person I thought might be as amazingly awesome as you!
Mollie: I love love love you! You always laugh at my silly jokes, and yes, I do say stupid things, but you always understand! I love it, and most of all I love you!
Brit: You have def. been the best roomate ever! I love how just watching T.V. together seriously may have been the highlight of a week that otherwise may have been terrible! I cant wait for the wedding, Clay is so awesome, and I totally approve..but you knew that!
Kristen: I mean, basically as a cd giving friend...well I suck...but you don't hold that against me... and well that is what real friends are made of right?! Plus you laugh at me too, and you are just fun...so that is enough for me!
Christina: You share my philosophy on credit cards...well probably not to the same extreme, but I know you will always be up for shopping with me, and when everyone else is telling me how irresponsible I am, I know I can count on you! Which is good!
Arch: I mean despite the fact that you are awesome, and fun, and cook the best fajitas EVER, you always make haning out fun! And it has to be said, no one would be as patient with my running in circles while playing Halo...so THANKS!
Chris and Sabrina: Now I know we dont see eachother like....Ever...but when we do.,..AMAZINGLY fuN! Can I just say, that I may say funny words in the wrong order sometimes...but lets be honest...that happens on a regular basis...even when mexican martini's are not involved...so dont judge!:) Also, Im pretty sure I would not let anyone else in my house when it is that dirty....ever! So you really should feel special.
Jordan: Are there words...this I'm not sure! I love you...and I'm pretty sure we have crammed so major catching up in fast! Love iT!!!
Donnie: Mkay, you may be the most sarcastic with me...and frankly... I love it, bc secretly sarcasm is really the only way to go about things! It really is so much more fun! You make me smile, and I really have so much fun all the time! We have to cram as much fun in as possible before school starts again...kapeesh? I know you agree!
Clayton: I mean are there really words?! I dont know...but I will say that you may be(and by may, I mean for sure) the coolest person ever! You just don't care, and I love it! I wish I could be so much more like that! I laugh way too much when I am with you and it is quite awesome!
Kane: I love that you actually want to hang out with a loser like me, and well everyone else too!:) Sleepover this weekend for sure!
AmberDenae: I am so so so happy that I met you ( in a random, roundabout way!) You are such a light for God, and I really love love love talking to you! You give me such a fresh, beautiful perspective to all that I am feeling, because I know you are going through a lot of the same things~ I thank God every day that I have gotten to share even a glimmer of your life with you! You are beautiful and I really cherish all that you say!
Haley: I mean, this really could go a lot of ways...but I will leave it at this....I only let you and only you refer to me as half of the things you do! It is fun, and I really leave your house laughing...pretty much all the time! Too much fun!
Macy: You pretty much have the most awesome singing skills ever, and I have to say that your constant texting and phone calling always keeps me intrigued...dont ever forget a test hello early in the morning....just a helpful tip from a super smart girl!
Jenna: I love that you wanted to be friends four years ago after I akwardly got excited, and asked you to invite me over...oh year after I had already asked for your number...well lets be honest...I probably invited myself over, but look where we are now!>! You actually invite me over yourself!:) Oh yeah, and I love Bella too...duh!

M.I.A ... Literally!

2008-12-11T15:34:00.002-06:00

Okay, so in hindsight, I guess it really hasn't been that terribly long since my last post, but it really feels like forever! I have been so busy finishing up this semester...and having a little fun too! I seriously cant wait for Christmas Break! I so just want to work and have fun, work and have fun! It will be oh so nice! Speaking of working...I am so poor right now! I really haven't figured out how I am going to buy Christmas presents...pasta necklaces anyone?! I will figure things out I am sure, most likely, my sis and I will go on a crazy expedition on Christmas Eve! This is usually how we complete our Christmas shopping every year, then we stay up until 2am wrapping, and are asleep just long enough for "Santa" to sneak our Christmas Stockings in front of the tree. Good Times! I really don't know what to get my sis this year...or any year for that matter:) I stole, well borrowed some old black and white photos of my dad's parents to have framed, my mom is basically an older version of me, so she will be super easy to shop for! She wears all the same clothes I do, and shops at all the same stores...so it really wont be too hard to pick something out! My little brother is happy with anything Star Wars right now, and Breezy, aside from a car, would be happy with anything to do with horses or A&M University. Ash....still clueless! Not even the slightest idea. Funny story...the other day I had a friend ask what he should get her...all I could come up with...paper. She loves stationary. Like she has boxes of the stuff...why, I don't know. Its not like she's writing to anyone, but she just likes it. He clearly was confused by my suggestion:) I will come up with something a little better than that I hope! So, I also have set myself up to have two weekends off over the break! I am so excited! Im going to La Grange to stay with my aunt one weekend, and the other is still up in the air. I really have been wanting to find somewhere to Volunteer over the holidays. Im thinking like homeless shelterish...I dont really know! Ive just been kind of overwhelmed with a spirit and need to give lately! I passed a homeless girl and her dog the other day, and all I had was a dollar! I felt terrible, so I gave it to her and then went to the store and bought her food and dog food/treats. When I went back, she was getting into a car loaded with four other dogs, two of which were tiny puppies! Not to mention the three other ppl in the car. This made me feel like I was still offering so much less than they needed, but she was very thankful for the gesture! Anyway...I know I should give like this all the time, but all this cold weather and christmas cheer really just makes you want to help however you can.

Bad Week...Great Oppurtunity to Write!

2008-11-23T21:55:00.003-06:00

I said I would share one day, and for lack of a better topic....a song! A product of my crappy last few weeks!

Restore Me

I don't want to feel this way
Stuck in this dark and scary place
Please tell me when I'll see your face
You give me reason to cry
And it's like I never knew the happiness that I used to

Hanging on and for what now? I am lost, I can't get out, please help me out...

Why do we do this, why does this happen?
When can my lonely go away?
I am a sinner, and I am begging
Lord for your mercy, to be saved by your grace
And I will kneel down now, humbly bow down
For you Lord to wrap me in your light
Please open my eyes now, as my heart cries out loud
Won't you guide me, and show me the way into your heart

I've let this drag take over me
And I can't quite figure out, just why this all had to come out
You are much stronger than me
You'll be my power so I can follow faithfully

Moving on, forward now, make clear to me, all that my empty heart can't see...

Why do we do this, why does this happen?
When can my lonely go away?
I am a sinner, and I am begging
Lord for your mercy, to be saved by your grace
And I will kneel down now, humbly bow down
For you Lord to wrap me in your light
Please open my eyes now, as my heart cries out loud
Won't you guide me, and show me the way into your heart

And you knew it would turn out this way
I am a child, I am your child, but I've strayed
Please help me find my way home
You are my Father, the only Father I have known

I'm hanging on for something now, but I'm still lost, I'm almost out, Lord lift me out...

Why do we do this, why does this happen?
When can my lonely go away?
I am a sinner, and I am begging
Lord for your mercy, to be saved by your grace
And I will kneel down now, humbly bow down
For you Lord to wrap me in your light
Please open my eyes now, as my heart cries out loud
Won't you guide me, and show me the way into your heart
Lord guide me, and show me, restore me
Until I am yours

A Love Lost, Before It Was Even Her Own...

2008-11-21T15:36:00.014-06:00

I read a beautiful story today while I was getting my hair done, and I wanted to share...

"He was literally the boy next door. His name was Nello, a family name, and when I was angry, I used to call him "Jell-O" just to annoy him.. Home videos show us spending entire days in my parents' maroon shag-carpeted basement, playing a married couple. At 5, he was an ideal husband: tan, gorgeous, and submissive enough to be talked into almost anything. He let me decide where we'd live and the names of our children, played by a motley gang of My Little Ponies. He lived in the same row of townhouses on my suburban street, easy enough to find when I wanted someone to watch my new tap routine or to help me put my mom's lipstick on our Border collie.
Our parents became best friends and spent hours on the shared front stoop watching us play. Even then, I liked the way Nello doted on his baby sister, carrying her across the stretch of front yards like a soccer trophy. He was obviously the boy I'd one day marry-never mind the fact that he was the only boy I knew.
When I was 7, though, we moved to another town. Even if I couldn't walk over and swing open his screen door anymore, I continued to know in my heart that Nello would be the guy I'd end up with. I asked him to my first "bring a date" party in junior high, his skin still tan and his smile perfect, while I was battling acne and Brillo-pad hair. At the end of the night, he hugged me and said he had a good time.
Nello was my life raft, a promise of the secure future I'd one day have. With his athletic build and mascara commercial eyelashes, he also gave me instant cred. I brought a photo of us together to sleep away camp and lied to my whole bunk that he was my boyfriend, which garnered a chorus of jealous "ohhs." What did I care that none of the Camp Timber Ridge boys wanted to kiss me if I had better-albeit semi-imaginary-boyfriend back home?
By the time we moved out of our parents' houses and on to college in different states, we'd lost touch, other than the annual Christmas card and photo. I dated other boys, of course, sometimes for years, but I always knew none of them was ultimately the guy for me. Nello had graduated from college in New Jersey, gotten into Real Estate, and was still playing soccer. Knowing that my tomorrows were secure, thanks to a future marriage I'd secretly arranged for myself, made it OK to date guys who were horribly wrong for me.( The fact that Nello wasn't also counting on our impending nuptials was, to me, a technicality.) Unlike most of my friends, who went crazy with husband-hunting after college, I was happy to live abroad, to take new jobs in new cities, to not rush into my adult life because I knew I had the world's best partner waiting fr me in Grown-Up Town whenever I was ready.
When the real estate market tanked, Nello decided to pursue his dream of living in California. he and his sister would shared an apartment together in San Diego; on the cross-country drive to their new home, they visited the Grand Canyon and the red rocks of Sedona. The got jobs waiting tables. The last I heard, he was learning how to surf.
When I went home for the holidays that year, I noticed we didn't get the usual card from Nello's family. When I asked my mom about it, she told me we needed to talk. I expected some lame drama about a falling-out she'd had with his mother, bu instead she told me that Nello had died. He'd gone swimming in the ocean with a friend one night, and when the other guy couldn't find him, he assumed Nello had walked the few blocks back home. The next morning, after he didn't come home or show up for work, his sister called the police. His body wouldn't wash up for a couple of days. Since my mom said she didn't know how I'd handle the news, she 'd waited to tell me in person.
I'd known Nello longer than any man in my life besides my dad, but for the past few years I hadn't really known him. What I'd held onto was an idea of him and what he represented. He was a consolation that no matter how many guys were the kind of jerks who dumped you on Valentine's Day, there was at least one guy out there like Nello: single, handsome, reliable, kind.
In the local paper store, I picked through the sympathy cards. Nothing said anything close to what I was feeling. I stood in the aisle, my throat tight. I decided on a blank one with a wispy watercolor branch that I thought his mother, a painter, might like.
Over Christmas, my family and I watched home videos of Nello and me in the old neighborhood. After about 10 minutes, I was sobbing so loudly that my mom turned off the TV, then sat back down and put her arms around me. Of course I was crying for Nello, his lovely family, for how unfair his death was, and for how we'd all miss that sweet kid. But what I say aloud was that I was also crying for myself-a widow of sorts, adrift in this big scary world, no life raft in sight."

Now some might be thinking creepy, but I think this is so innocently beautiful! Can you imagine meeting someone that even at the age of five you find yourself completely and utterly enthralled with! A companionship you only hope to share with someone for the rest of your life!? That you could find comfort in your loneliness knowing that even if not with you, that he is happy somewhere else in the world?! I can only dream! Every girl should have a Nello! And God willing, mine will come to me at some point in this lifetime! I think it's so crazy to think like what if I have already met him? Wouldn't it be great if God could put a little sign above his head like, "AMBER! This one is for you!" That would be oh so nice. To me this story was far too sweet, and I am pretty sure I re-read it three times as I was getting my hair colored. Enjoy!

2008-11-20T13:57:00.005-06:00

Hi Friends! So I have been absolutely crazy busy...with nothing important!:)Does that even make sense?! My stress has left for the time being, which feels amazing! I am just trying to stay on top of things and make the best of it all, as the semester is coming to an end! Finals are right around the corner, and I couldn't be more excited! Sadly, the idea of waking up at 6am to work 10 hours, 7 days a week is sounding quite appealing compared to school! I'm sure the fact that I will actually have money for once has something to do with that!:) So I have been writing a ton, and it feels amazing! I really had forgotten how much I truly love it! I get so much, and it's pretty awesome~ I will share some eventually, but it's all kind of still in the works. On another note, I seriously need to learn how to play my guitar, and STAT! In the midst of all this writing, I have decided that my songs would be a lot more fun for me if I had music to go along! I mean I can awkwardly hum tunes all day long, but really a loud guitar to drown out my voice would just be better for me. I'm not terrible, but def. not the singer/songwriter type....I'll just write:) Thanks. So, as I noted last week, I was house sitting in Austin, all in all, a good time! I made the easiest money ever, and I got my name out to a lot of potential clients...(haha, that sounds weird...and almost inappropriate) What do you call them?! It's not really a business per say.....although, I can totally see how people make living house sitting and what not~ And I might even start doing that on the side in part with my other jobs and school. It really is super easy, and fun! All these families have super cute kids too, which is really just a perk:)
-So at this point I am ninety-five percent sure that I am going to have next Friday off, and I am excited! I have to work on Wednesday all day, and then the morning of Thanksgiving, and then it is one and a half days of bliss! And I am going to need it! I will be working at the kennel, and we have 80 pets checking in, in the span of four hours! Crazy! I've been at the kennel for seven years now, so it really is all second nature, but still, that is just a crazy amount of people, dogs, and cats in our little office on the same day! I am so excited for a day off, that I have decided it will be my day-O-fun:) with friends who are home from school! I haven't really started planning too much, but it really is going to be a day of events!:)
-So how is this for crazy...I am going to see Twilight at midnight with friends! Lucky for me, I get to sort of sleep in in the morning before I get my hair did, and then it is off to work for the afternoon! It should be a pretty fun time, and if you could see my roots(which you can, from a mile away!)the hair appointment is much over do! Alright, loves, that is all for now!
xoxo a

To Live What Your Feeling, To Hate What You Feel...

2008-11-11T22:13:00.007-06:00

So it had to happen at some point, but my happy high is slowly coming to an end I feel. This week has had me down a bit, and I am not welcoming it at all! I am feeling slightly overwhelmed with life. I can't help but wonder where I would be right now if I were not in school. I know God does not encourage envy, but right now more than ever, do I want to be at a different place in my life. I am so passionate about things, I am just not at a place to pursue! I hate that I feel like school is holding me back, because if I am truly honest with myself(which I rarely am), I know that even when I graduate...whenver that is....I am still not going to be doing what I love. I don't even know that I completely have a grasp on what "that" is, but I know I am not there, and I def. don't know if I am heading in that direction. I hate all of the standards that have been set up for me, and all the expectations that are dictating my life. I would be the happiest person in the world right now, if I only knew that what I am doing now, is in fact right for me. I am needing some new perspective on life, and I'm not sure where to turn to get it. I need you to show me that this is where I am supposed to be and what I am supposed to be doing. I know that we have to go through certain trials in order to understand and see the bigger pictures, but right now I am not in a place to interpret signs that I am heading in the right direction. I need you to show me that I have it right....
-Okay so I was clearly feeling a little sorry for myself the other day. I have been down but it's a new day, and a new start! I really hate when I let myself get down about such minimal things, because I really do have so much to be thankful for! I have been listening to this song like over and over againg, and I think it's amazing! Also, shout out to Amber, you might be my only reader, and I am totally okay with that! Your comments always make me feel amazing, and I love love hearing what you have to say! You are awesome!
Ingram Hill- Troubled Mercy

Mercy fights a little war again
Always the one that tried so hard, but she couldnt win
TO LIVE WHAT YOUR FEELING, TO HATE WHAT YOU FEEL
NO ONE SHOULD LIVE THIS WAY
That's all over, its all over now

You never thought that you could feel this
Forever lonely was a better way
Youll make this world to fall apart
But you're more than you thought you could be
I wont leave you troubled Mercy

Mercy tried to make things right again
But the dark is where she hides to cradle the sin
Hard to know what is real when you beg and you steal
But you dont want to be this way
That's all over, it's all over now

You never thought that you could feel this
Forever lonely was a better way
Youll make this world to fall apart
But you're more than you thought you could be
I wont leave you troubled Mercy

Your innocence is gone
You don't know where you lost it
Well somehow it all went wrong
But it wont last long

You never thought that you could feel this
Forever lonely was a better way
Youll make this world to fall apart
But you're more than you thought you could be
I wont leave you Mercy
I wont leave you Troubled Mercy

Georgia....

2008-11-10T10:23:00.009-06:00

So Ash and I have decided to take a trip this summer! Our destination of choice is going to be Savannah, Georgia! I am so excited! I think it is so pretty, and although I have never been there, I think the trip is going to be amazing! So here is where you come in...I don't know where to go, where to stay, what to do?!?! I figured I would exercises this as an option for suggestions! Now not only is it beautiful there from what I've been told, but Paula Dean lives there! I lover her! She is so fun! I hear she has a restaurant there that is super good too, and we all know how I love eating out! So needless to say I think it will be amazing! We wanted to take an Amtrak Train for the trip, but who knew that was so expensive! So we have opted for flying, which really I think will be better in the end. We are playing with the idea of splurging and staying in this beautiful Bed and Breakfast at least one night while we are there!This trip should be exciting either way, but I'm thinking that staying in this beautiful room will make it that much sweeter!:) Who knows. It is very expensive, and in all reality we will not be staying in our room for the most part. We will be out on the town, I hope! So the other fun part is that we cant rent a car, which means we will have to rely on the trolley system in Savannah! Kind of exciting, we will see!

Who Knew...

2008-11-09T21:57:00.011-06:00

So I have been housesitting in Austin this week, and I have been learning some valuable lessons:
1. I could not live by myself! I totally thought I was one of those people who would enjoy living on my own...far from the truth! It is so lonely, and well I do not enjoy lonely!
2. What is the point of the fridge of drinks in the garage?! "I want a Diet Coke, but the fridge in the house...a little too easy". Now maybe I have this all wrong, but why make the trip farther and more inconvenient? It's not like there isnt plenty of room in the fridge that is IN the house...just a thought.
3. I need a large dog and a cute neighborhood to walk around. I would be way skinnier if I had a cute neighborhood to walk in that didnt have a ton of crazy college driver's racing down it! And though I realize I could walk with a small dog, I think a large one will ward off more crazies than say a yorkie:)
4. On that note, St. Bernard's might be the laziest dogs ever!
5. Is it weird to want to offer babysitting services to every cute kids parents I see while walking through the cute neighborhood? I hope not....:/ I'm not shy about networking...haha
6. Always bring your own pillow when staying away from home. It must be written somewhere that guests are supposed to like fluffy, tall, thick pillows...not I! Give me the flat, squishy ones please!
7. DVR, I need it! Thought I missed Grey's, oh, but no worries, you can rewind! Way too much fun! And can we just talk about the cute grandpa for a second! Tear...well like thirty, because I'm pretty sure I was crying forever!
8. If you own karaoke microphones and a plethora of karaoking cd's...you should probably just have those out waiting for me! This will save me the trouble of stumbling onto them while looking for the remote. Not to mention the three days I have already been here with nothing to do. Thanks.
9. Note to self: Don't have a sloping driveway later in life. It's the hot ticket in town for scooter riders. Who cares if they dont live here, sloping driveways...free reign! (Cute kid two doors down, you and your super-man scooter, you are ok)
10. And finally, staying in Austin, while life revoloves around San Marcos...not great for the gas tank...but I will say, shopping...way more fun in Austin....also not great for the bank account!
More lessons to come I'm sure...
xoxo a

Love Is The Movement....So Why Can't We Show Some?♥

2008-11-07T09:53:00.005-06:00

I am so saddened by all of the hate that everyone has been showing since the conclusion of the election. I genuinely feel like we have reverted back to a truly sad time in America's History! A time of hate and racism! If you didn't vote for Obama, it is okay to be sad, upset...whatever. However, the fact of the matter is, he is going to be our new president,and it is time to move on and support! I didn't vote for Obama, but I do genuinely believe that everything happens for a reason, God will provide, he always does. The hate I have seen on posts, facebook status', and myspace is overwhelming! From both sides! I do think Barack Obama is an amazing speaker, and he did make a good point...we are the UNITED States of America, and we need to start acting like it. November 4th was not just a day in history for African Americans, it was a day in history for us all. These feelings of hate and belittlement have no place in our lives and the direction that America needs to be heading in. I really am done speaking about political issues at this point, because I am so ready to move on. I've said my piece, and let's just be happy! Throw yourself into the word, and put your passion in that! You are going to get so much more out of it, and perhaps some new light! God is good, so let him do his work and show us!:)
xoxo a

FrOm ThE iNsIdE oUt...

2008-11-05T11:20:00.005-06:00

So here it is....my favs for the week! I love these songs!

Love My Life..

2008-11-03T17:56:00.015-06:00

Hey Loves! So it has been another great weekend here in Texas. It was Halloween, so that was great! Hannah was a hit! And, it has to be said...I really loved being Hannah! Maybe a little too much. At the time, putting on my Hannah wig two hours before my party didn't seem like a crazy idea, but looking back on the situation, I feel as though I may be a little embarrassed by the display of my costume quite so early. Oh well, what are you going to do! I have included a few pictures from this weekend, so you too can share in some Hannah fun! For the social events on Saturday, I played broom ball with my sorority. I was on the 'Made In the 80's Team'. Now not only was I actually made in the 80's, but I have an extreme love for sequins, so really this team was just really appropriate for me! I had a ton of fun! I went to play broom ball with every intent of kind of standing around, and not getting to physical with the game....that is not how it really worked out! Something crazy came over me, and I started running to get the ball! So much so, that I fell...HARD! It was not pretty, and really embarrassing, but everyone else fell..a lot, so I think my falling is therefore justified.
-So I have recently bought yet another journal. I seriously have about five going right now, bc I love them so much! I buy one, and then I go to the store and find another one that I think is prettier! Anyway, back to the relevance in this post...I have really been trying to get back into my writing more! I do a lot of self-reflection writing(ie this blog..my journal..), but I used write poems, songs...all kinds of stuff. Secretly, I desperately want to learn how to play my guitar, and writing songs would be a lot more interesting, and well meaningful if there were music to go along! Right?!?! Just a thought....
-I have two tests this week, and a project to get out of the way, and then I am going to be school free for yet another weekend~ My aunt is flying in from California, and I'm pretty excited about it! You know how you have that one relative who is just super fun, and you feel like they really should be closer to you in age bc they are so cool...that's my aunt! She is really funny, and well who doesn't love to laugh?!:)
-Today I bought the most beautiful Bible ever! I love it! I lost my other bible...how terrible is that?!?! Pretty terrible! I know! I feel really bad about it, but really I cant say what happened...bc I just don't know! I'm going to blame it on the fact that I had to have a two door car...intern making ppl not want to ride in it's cramped back seat. Because of this fact, my car is really just an excuse for a second bedroom....closet...trash can?! It's really bad! I'm pretty sure should the occasion ever arise, I can clothe a small family...in any season! I'm just saying!
Also in this great weekend, I FINALLY got to see HSM 3! For my sake, and my maturity level, I really wanted to think it was just okay. I mean I am 22, it's probably about time to start growing up...but I cant lie. BEST MOVIE EVER! TRUE STORY! I knew I was in trouble when the lights in the theatre turned down, and at the sound of the opening number I was instantly excited! And when did Zac Efron get so hot?!?! Musical theater..not usually my type...but WOW! Love it! So if you can put aside your ego, I highly recommend it!
-Election Day was today, and as most of you know now...Obama is our president! It's so crazy, and I think it was expected, but it is still crazy now that it is a reality. Not how I voted, but I'm holding faith in God, and that everything happens for a reason. I'm not saying that I agree with all of his beliefs, but perhaps a new perspective on our terrible situation can help. We as a country are in such a poor place right now, and the odds that it will be turned around in one term...not likely at all. God willing, he will shed light on how we turn this all around, and in four years we can get a great republican in there to make it all right! I'm all about perspective, and sometimes one we aren't really willing to see, can shed new and positive light. Bottom line, he is our president, and that is that.
-So that's about it for now. It's been yet another beautiful day, and I am continually thankful for all that I have! Love you all!
xo a

Love Is Not A Fight, But It's Worth Fighting For...

2008-10-27T22:49:00.010-05:00

So in light of my extremely happy disposition, I was overwhelmed with sadness today as I watched the news! Ann Presely a news anchor in Alabama died over the weekend, from injuries she acquired when someone broke into her home and beat her...almost to death. She was unable to recover. I don't even know this woman, but it just makes me sick! I read about this story online on Friday, and it was made out as though she was expected to make a full recovery! It really is just so so sad, so pray for her family! She was only 26, and lived by herself. There are no leads in her case at all. I know stuff like this happens all the time, every day in fact, but this story just keeps sticking with me! I cant even imagine what her family is going through.
-So I cant figure it out! I have had this odd peace about everything for about two weeks now! I am so so so happy, and I really don't know why! I feel like God is either preparing me for an extreme amount of stress, or it really is just time for me to be happy and worry free! I have never really thought of myself as a pessimist, but I've been really making a conscious effort to truly find the positive in everything! And, I think it's really making a difference! I'm just happy! ALL THE TIME! I've also been really wanting to read my bible! Crazy for me! I mean I always want to read it, but I never make the time for it! Lately, I feel excited when the time presents itself! It's pretty awesome! I have been waiting a long time to experience the true passion for the word that so many of my friends have, and I feel like it's coming to me... not on my own terms, which really is so much more sweet! I've been saying it a lot, but Life really is so so good right now, and I want everyone to know it!
-This weekend was not overly productive in that, I basically spent the whole weekend at IKEA~ I mean I can't complain, I really do love that store! It's probably my third favorite place in the world! Right behind, Pike's Place Market in Seattle, and Hobby Lobby respectively!:) That store is so so cool! Whoever decided setting up fake rooms in a store....Genius! I mean really! Love it!
-My not so little sister turned 15 this weekend! So crazy! She is all grown up! She is the most beautiful girl ever! She has the best head on her shoulders! At fifteen, I was still so terrible to my mother, and yelling that I was going to run away if I couldn't go to the mall!(I was pretty ridiculous, and dramatic! It was those years that I picked up my nickname 'the evil twin', something I am still trying to prove wrong!) She had a really good weekend I think, and I love that I could be a part of it!:)
-I need to be super productive this week in terms of school, because next week is lining up to be quite busy! So far I have a project due on Monday, and then two tests after that! Crazy Crazy!
-So I am always looking for good songs to add to the soundtrack that is my life, and well today I found yet another! I feel as though it is pretty easy for me to find songs that I can relate to my life, because well, let's be honest, I experience all of my emotions on a daily basis! However, this one really stuck out for me today, and I wanted to share!
This one is called "By Your Side", by Tenth Avenue North
It pretty much sums where I feel like God is leading me right now. I think learning things about our lives as it is happening is pretty amazing in itself, but when you can find a song that sums it up...that much more amazing! I'm pretty sure this has been on repeat in my car all day, and probably will continue to be until at least the end of the week...or until I find one to sum up tomorrow's blog!:)
xo a

The Final Product!

2008-10-27T12:15:00.004-05:00

So we finished the re-decorating of the living room this weekend! Now I am realizing that a 'before' picture would have been helpful, however, I didnt take one! Just know that this is much much cuter than my living room has ever been! I love it! I was really nervous about the orange, and although I realize that some might hate this....it's my living room and I LOVE IT!

xo a

You Get The Best Of Both Worlds....

2008-10-20T17:12:00.007-05:00

Hey Friends! So right now I am sitting in the education building waiting for my next class to start. Did I mention that BOTH of my legs are asleep at this point, and I am sitting on a really hard floor! The business college gets flat screen t.v.'s, leather couches, and hard wood floors! I mean I'm just putting it out there, but I think I might be a little less bitter if I was sitting on a pretty hard floor.:) I had a test today, and I think it went pretty well! It was in Fashion Merch. so I really don't think you can call it a test. It's like saying "Amber tell us why you wore that shirt today....but we are testing you...so DON'T MESS UP!" It's a fun class, and I love love love fashion, so...second nature! So Halloween is coming up and I am way super excited~! I don't ever dress up for Halloween, bc I don't understand why you automatically have to dress slutty when you are in college! Like it is some unwritten rule! I was looking at some costumes online, and they even managed to make nuns slutty! Total contradiction! So in keeping with my theme of trying not to look like a whore, I have decided to be HANNAH MONTANA! My whole costume is going to be based around some stiletto high heel boots.....covered in SEQUINS! I love sequins! They really should be on everything! They make me happy! Being sparkly makes me happy! I really don't think you can go wrong with Disney! And I also don't mind embracing a little immature fun! Most of my friends are going to be super hero's, since that is the theme of the party we are going to, but Hannah is two people....that's a super hero if you ask me! I can barely keep up with one life, let alone two!

-Also, since we are on the topic of Disney, HSM 3 comes out in a few days! (I swear I will be done ranting about my immature tendencies in a second). My bible study and I are all going to go see it on Tuesday when we finish up! Way fun!

-Side note about babysitting this weekend...cutest thing ever! The little girl Avery, who is three years old was so excited to see me! She had extended family over, and she individually introduced me to everyone as her friend Ms. Amber. She was just way too cute! She couldn't get everyone to leave fast enough so we could play! I love love love kids!

-We finished painting the living room....I may have already told y'all that, but it looks good! Hopefully we can start moving stuff back into the room tonight! On Friday we are going to go to my 2nd most favorite store in the whole wide world.....IKEA! We are going to be buying two chairs that will match the room better. I also want to get this light to sit behind the side table in between the two chairs...but Ash isn't so sure about it. What do you think? I just like it! Also, for you more savvy bloggers...do you know how to insert pictures anywhere into the blog entry! See if would have made sense to just have the pictures down here, instead of the links...but every time I add them they are at the top of the entry....annoying! Oh well.

-My little sister is turning 15 next week! It is so so so crazy! I cant believe she is all grown up! She is the most beautiful girl ever, and I am so proud of her! We used to have kind of a rocky relationship, and I think I was kind of hard on her!:( She had really low self-esteem, and I was just inconsiderate! Makes me sick to think about it! She seriously could model now, and I love her so much! We def. get along, and everything is good, except that I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO GET HER! She is really into horses, but she is not a girly girl at all! I am the epitome of girly...so to pick out something for her that isn't pink, and she will like....SO HARD!

-Phi Lamb girls are going to playoff for Intramural Football undefeated! Exciting!

I ♥ Highschool Musical!

2008-10-20T08:48:00.001-05:00

Try JibJab Sendables® eCards today!

2008-10-18T12:43:00.009-05:00

So Big/Lil Sis has come and gone! So amazing! I got Emily, which is who I wanted...so yea Jesus! She is probably the cutest thing ever, and she crafts! I really think it was meant to be!:) We all went out to dinner @ Mamacita's afterwards, so that was fun! So today is Tx State's Homecoming...and you know where I am at?! WORK! yuck! It really is not that fun, and I am a little sad that I am going to be missing out! I need a job that doesn't require EVERY day of the weekend! Although, I do also need money! I was talking to a friend last night, and he told me to quit and just live a little.(so I could make an un-planned trip to Houston to visit) I found this all kind of ironic, bc I am working non-stop to live! Funny how things work!:) Ash and I are making progress on Operation Re-Decorate the Living Room. I have to be honest, I was getting really nervous about the color! I was driving around San Marcos the other day, and I def. saw a Volkswagen Bug the exact same color that we are painting the walls! That to me was a bit of a red flag! I also kind of think that when we
open the blinds...our living room might glow from the street!:) It def. looks better now that we have put a second coat on the walls, but still pretty bright! I think once we have everything in the room it will look a lot better...but I am still a little nervous! Either I am going to love it, or hate it! It's up in the air! That's all for now, I'm sure ill have more tomorrow!

xo a

Living Happily Ever After...Just Short of The Prince:)

2008-10-16T15:02:00.013-05:00

Life is so so good right now! Wow. I def. got a 95 on my Social Work test...and this can probably go without saying, but AMAZING! Like I really think this might be my 2nd or 3rd "A" on a test in a long long time! And, being that grades are a seriously big deal this semester....it's GREAT! I have been so crazy busy with school, and granted I feel like I am always having to do a project or study for a test...I can't help but wonder where I would be right now if I had only applied myself like this 4 years ago! It's okay though, I'm not bitter. I had to do an interview the other day and we started talking about being indecisive and she told me not to get discouraged, bc "Life Is The Best Teacher". Isn't that the truth! I know I have thought along these lines before, probably at some point when I was feeling down about myself! I don't know, hearing it just made me think AMEN! So I have been hanging out with my big sis in phi lamb, and it's been amazing! She went inactive last year, so we really didn't keep in touch too much! Life has been way too fun! I think my sis has felt a little left out, but I am working on that! She doesn't usually like to hang out with my sorority sisters bc I guess she feels like she cant relate..? I don't know, she wont go to bible study with me, or anything! I really wish she would, but obviously I cant force her! I don't know, I just think she would grow so much! Spiritually where I am today, is far different than even a year ago! It's crazy, and I love it! I wish she could see how much I get out of it all, and be curious enough to get in on the action! It's just a fun group of girls! We talk, giggle! And just bc we've decided to give each week a theme and dress up! Oh and we are all equally lame!:) It's awesome! On that note, socially, my calendar has been FULL... I guess that's a good thing, but oh man have I been busy! Jenna, Whitney, Haley, and Macy and I are always doing something! I am either at school, work, their house, or an intramural football game! It really has just been great hanging out with everyone again! Work is getting a little smoother too. Ive just been trying to limit my hours at the law office, until things pick up a little. No worries there. I'm looking forward to this weekend, tonight I'm going to my favorite restaurant ever with a bunch of girls I love so it will be a nice end to my week! Tomorrow night is Big Sis/Lil Sis for Phi Lamb, and I am super excited! I signed up to take two this year, so it should be exciting! I loved being a Big last year! Getting to continually show love to someone for no reason is pretty awesome, and it just feels good too!

Some other reasons to be extremely happy:

I was freezing this morning when I left for work at 6:30am! Granted, it was still dark outside, and it has been raining...the cold air was amazing! Even at 3:00, it is still slightly chilly outside, and that is way exciting for me! I love love winter! At least for a few months anyway! I'm excited about winter fashion this year too, bc it is all so dang cute!(lol, this is my new fashion merchandising knowledge coming out). I bought a yellow pea coat like two months ago, and I have been dying to wear it!

I get to babysit two of the cutest girls ever this weekend! One is only eight months old, and I LOVE babies, so...enough said.

We are getting closer to November 1st, which is when I have decided I am going to decorate for Christmas! I'm just going to skip Thanksgiving this year! Jenna decorates incredibly early too, and why not! 1 month really isn't long enough for all the festive cheer that Christmas brings about!

Still Here!...

2008-10-13T22:05:00.002-05:00

OK, so yes, I am still ALIVE! Life has been so absolutely crazy this past few weeks! I have never in my life been so busy with...well life!:) School is def. taking it's toll on me this semester! I only have classes two days a week, which in theory sounded like a good plan...until now! I am realizing that means that all of the tests then have to be squeezed into two days a week as well! Studying, def. not my cup of tea! I hate it! Anyway, enough about that....my life is stressful, and that is that! So i have finished my tests for the week today, and my sister and I have decided to re-decorate our living room! FUN! We do this about once every six months or so! We are a little obsessed with places like IKEA and Pottery Barn, which only fuel our obsession and drain our bank accounts, but OMG it is so so much fun! So for this go around we are going with a girly theme! We want something really girly and fun! So fun that we have decided to paint the walls......orange! Crazy I know! But don't think crayola orange...think "It's Fall and beautiful!" It's def. more of a dark color, but we are accenting with cream couches and chairs and livening it up with bright floral throw pillows! Now the only thing we cant decide on is curtains.....I was thinking maybe like a gold tone...but I really can't say yet. I will def. post pictures as we make progress! Right now, we are just trying to clear our room and clean! Amidst all that craziness, we have also decided to re-decorate our recently vacant back bedroom! My sis and I started out just the two of us, but we had a roommate all summer! She graduated, and has now moved out...so it's just the two of us now! We are going to just make it a guest room for guests...haha we don't really have overnight guests...ever, but whatev! It's going to be cute too! Anyway, so that is my life for now! Crazy Busy! More posts to come! I have been so sad....I really have just not had the time to blog! And it has been so hard! Study....or Blog...really I have found myself thinking this a lot lately! Obviously I went with the studying!:) Love you all!

xoxo a

Compulsive.....Me?!?! I Don't Think So!

2008-09-29T00:28:00.009-05:00

So can I just say that Saturday and Sunday go by entirely too fast! I have been dreading this upcoming week, and sadly it is here! I have three tests this week, and no time! School stresses me out like nothing else in my life, and I hate it! As I sit here (not studying)...okay, so I had really written a ton earlier...and just now when I came back...all gone! Sad Day! Oh well, I'm positive it was all random rambling probably about many things I have already blogged about. So I got a Laptop, way exciting! I can't say that I really needed one, which is why I have decided to keep it my little secret...and yours of course. I could tell my parents, but that would be preceded by a lecture on how I don't need another credit card..,which is a whole nother...(lol, I know this isn't a real word, but as I am sitting here typing...this is what I said in my head!)another story is what I think I was trying to get at!:) I probably have the worst philosophy in the world when it comes to credit cards and debt..bc i have my fair share of it. I'm just thinking, that eventually I will have a decent job to help pay it all off. My parent's pay for all of my schooling out of pocket, because they don't want me to have to payoff school loans when I graduate. So rather than pay $60,000 in loans when I get out of here, I will have a much smaller Discover card to take care of. You know those commercials that start out "Are you ten, twenty, thirty thousand dollars in debt....If so, call...." Well, let's just say that I am no where near any of those numbers and I figure as long as I don't find myself answering yes to the T.V. man...a little debt never hurt anyone. You've got to build credit somehow right?!:) Anyway, So I have taken one test so far in this week of fun, and I have two more to go! The one I have tomorrow is going to be kind of hard I'm thinking, and studying for it is proving to be even harder for me! I don't know what it is! I swear, I have sat down about ten different times tonight trying to force myself to read. I'm thinking I will probably stay up a few more hours tonight and try and be productive, and then hopefully it will be a slow day at work tomorrow! Yikes!

Saturday Night was super fun! I was in charge of craft time at Lauren's Apartment! We had rush for my sorority last week, and the pledges had their first retreat this past weekend. On the second night of the retreat, all of the pledges stay at Active members houses, just to bond and hang out....be girly..you know:) Well, Lauren asked me to be in charge of craft time, which for those of you who don't know...(which is basically all of you!) I LOVE CRAFTS! It's borderline crazy at this point! Hobby Lobby is my favorite store for sure! Last week I went on Monday and sadly used everything I bought.....that night! Not only did I have to go back the next day, but I also had to ask them to restock the shelves of canvases I had cleaned out the day before....just so I could do it again! I think it is a stress reliever....which isn't really a good thing, bc apparently I am really stressed then! I absolutely love it! I will craft by myself, but if I can get someone to do it with me...even better! It really is a blast! We all have our vices right?! Some have poker...I have puff paint! Good Times!

On RePeAt iN mY cAr...eNjOy xo!

2008-09-26T11:29:00.010-05:00

mY fAvOrItE sOnG rIgHt NoW...

Beautiful~

2008-09-25T22:42:00.009-05:00

I love love love this! I had a retreat with my sorority a few weeks ago, and my friend Lynnsey wrote this during our quiet time, and then took this beautiful picture! Her words are so innocent and true. It's funny how we are made to look at failure as if it is a bad thing. I know for me, some of the most valuable lessons have been learned at my most vulnerable moments. I've really been thinking about this whole study abroad thing a lot...just whether or not it is for me, and how I can make my parents understand the way I am thinking. It's been weighing kind of heavy on my heart the last few days. The other night on my way back to my car I just got to thinking about how sometimes we find ourselves in certain situations, and we don't really understand why. I always find myself saying "Why is this happening to me, and why right now?! " Most of the time it is because I don't like what is happening. As I was pondering this and thinking about all that I have learned in those situations, I randomly stumbled on a christian group worshiping in the amphitheater on campus. Jimmy (whom I've met on a few occasions) was singing the most beautiful song about giving it all to him, and how our purpose is not our own. All of these events could not have played out at a better moment. I literally just had to stop and listen to the rest of their praise and worship service. I immediately felt a sense of peace about all that I have been thinking about lately. I just do not have the means to go to South Africa right now, anywhere for that matter, and if God truly needs me there, then it will happen...whether it is this year or next.

My Grandma. She is the most amazing person ever! My grandfather past away a year ago in May. I've been trying to make a point to visit my grandmother more, as I know she is lonely. She asked me to drive her to her Historical Commission meeting tonight so that she could stay longer. I have to be honest and say that initially I didn't want to go. That is so so terrible. I just found myself stressing about the three tests I have next week(lol as I sit her and blog, instead of studying). As soon as we got to her meeting, I remembered why I can afford to put my stress aside from time to time. She just had the best time ever! I don't think there was anyone there under the age of 70, besides me...and they were all so welcoming and cute! My grandmother had the best time ever, and it just made me realize that I need to be more understanding and compassionate with her. She would do anything for me, it really was the smallest bit to give something back to her, but still I know she appreciated it..

And, last but most def. not least....GREY'S started tonight! Yea! I haven't watched it yet, but I am still so so so excited! What What!

Okay, so finally! I was reading my friend Amber's blog this morning, and she was blogging about something that is effecting everyone right now...OUR FAILING ECONOMY! It really is scary! I work at a title company part time while I am in school, and we are hurting so bad! Obviously if people aren't buying homes, then we have no one to work title up for! Now I have two jobs, so for me it isn't a total loss if things don't work out, but still scary for those who rely on this job as means of an income!

-xoxo a

Out of Africa...

2008-09-23T13:53:00.010-05:00

So I was sitting in my social work class today, and my professor started talking about study abroad programs! I really have never given any of them too much thought, because I have been in school for five years now! My parents aren't really too into anything that might prolong that graduation date, since it is still about a year and a half out. Here's the thing though...this particular trip is over Christmas break, and wait for it....
they are going to SOUTH AFRICA!!! This trip has my name written all over it! I want to go soo soo soooooooooo bad! I have been interested in Africa in general for a long time, but like I ever thought me going there would be a real possibility. I would obviously have to pay for the whole trip myself, so I probably wont be able to go until next year's trip....but OMG, how amazing would that be! I'm not a social work major, but bc this trip is through the social work program, we would get to do a lot of work with children! The trip is $6000 which to me really didn't sound bad at all! I mean it's South Africa for goodness sake, and say that an opportunity like this one ever presented itself later in life , it would definitely be a lot more! I called both of my parents and right now they are not receptive to the idea at all! I totally expected that though, so I'm not totally down on my luck yet. I guess their main concern is that I am going to get kidnapped, but I know this is bc they aren't educated enough on the whole idea yet. Yes, Africa can be very dangerous...but Northern Africa! I would be going to Cape Town. Seriously, Africa is HUGE! I'm pretty sure Texas State wouldn't be sending us into Africa if where we were going was extremely dangerous! I am just hoping that I can show them that I really need to go! I figure if I can save up this next year and show how serious I am, then maybe they will get it. AFRICA! I mean is there really anything to think about?!?! I feel like the obvious answer is NO! Pray for me!

Piano's, Babies and Barbies...

2008-09-22T16:58:00.007-05:00

What a weekend! I have found lately that I am living for the weekends, which isn't really a bad thing I guess...So here's a bit of random information I learned this weekend courtesy of my mom. When I write, I use ... ALL the time, mainly because I am constantly thinking about a million different things, and well... allows me to talk about one and then move on to the next! So it actually has a real name! It's called an ellipsis, and to correctly use it, you are supposed to put a space in between each . . . So with that I will continue this random blog, but interesting nonetheless! I love my Mom, she is so awesome! She turned 42 on Sunday, and she doesn't look a day past 25! Seriously! I started out the weekend a little early on Thursday night:) My best friend Elysia is in town because she was evacuated from Houston last week. We went to this little place downtown called Pete's Dueling Piano Bar. I have heard of it, but never been! Why Not?! I have no idea! So much fun! Basically there is a stage with two grand piano's, you write whatever songs you want on napkins and take them up to the piano on your side of the bar, and they play your song! You have to sing along if you don't want to be embarrassed and if they think your request is silly then they light heartedly make fun of you, along with the rest of the bar! Really a lot of fun! Definitely more of a "Girls Night Out", our friend Clint didn't seem too amused by all of the singing, especially not the idea of singing along:) All in all a good time. So I spent all day at work on Saturday. We got this new clock in machine, get this...that uses FINGERPRINTS! We are crazy sophisticated at old OCK now:) For those of you blogging friends that don't know, I work at a dog kennel on the weekends. This to me is just a little on the crazy side. I mean I don't even have to clock in period at the law office I work at during the week. I just write down my time there! It's a little funny, but kind of cool too! I have to say I felt a little important when I clocked out:) I got to babysit on Saturday night, and if you don't already know I LOVE babies! I had never babysat for this particular couple before, and when I arrived, I was greeted by an adorable three year old with curly red hair, and an 8 month old nicknamed "Happy". It was going to be a great night! It was fun! I'm all for playing, and if I wasn't 22 years old, I would probably still have barbies in my room. And can I just say she had some fun ones! Barbies have really come a long way since I had them. Too much fun! I have to say, feeding the 8 month old was entertainment in itself. It's been awhile since I've watched such a little one, and my skills were a little rusty:) After splattering her Gerber Squash on my face, while trying to get it open, I spilt most of it on her high chair when I tripped over my own shoe:) If you have never held an 8 month old, they still do not have a lot of control over the movement of their bodies. She would get so excited when she saw the spoon full of food, that she would literally fall right into it! She was too cute, and after grabbing the spoon and launching food across the kitchen, I did manage to feed her.:) The three year old was full of energy, and all she wanted to do was play all night! She insisted on going outside and pushing rocks on the swing, and then squirting me with a water gun...she smuggled it in the house too, and proceeded to squirt Bailey the St. Bernard as well. Bailey was not overly amused and just kept walking to new rooms of the house to get away. I got to go to church on Sunday with my family, which was nice. I don't get to go as often as I like because of work, and I really do enjoy going, so that was good. We just got a new priest a few weeks ago, and I really think he is going to be amazing for our congregation. He genuinely wants everyone to be involved, and that is exactly what our church needs. It has been a rough few years, and things are looking up. I spent the rest of Sunday at the salon my sister works at. They just built a beautiful new salon that needed setting up! We actually had a lot of fun. I haven't spent time with just my sister in awhile, usually we are with other friends, and so that was nice. We ended the night at my favorite restaurant in the world Trudy's, for a little birthday celebration for my Mom. She got carded at dinner, so I think she enjoyed herself:)

All You Gotta Do is DANCE DANCE DANCE...

2008-09-15T16:51:00.006-05:00

The inevitable has happened....I have taken my dancing from the shower, into the streets of Austin! Watch Out! So we all went downtown on Friday night to celebrate Kristen's birthday....and it might have been the best night ever! We started out our evening for dinner and drinks at PF Chang's. Nothing too exciting, we were in a booth, but in the far back corner of the restaurant no less! Not a very prime place for people watching if you ask me! So as soon as we sit down for dinner, our waiter says "So what did yall come all the way to the big city to celebrate?" Now I know we live here in Texas, but where did he think we were from? We were all nicely dressed, and not one of us has that "texas accent" that would have sparked a question like this. Granted I didn't really grow up in Austin, but fifteen minutes away is hardly rural! Dinner was great! I think the manager had a small crush on Marisol, because he conveniently had two free platters of fried rice to give us...one with shrimp, and one without!:) I am not complaining, it was good! We finished dinner with a small photo op (the manager was very gracious in offering to take numerous pictures for us;)! Our waiter wished us a good evening and a safe trip "back" to wherever he thought we were from. We went to the Marq where we saw a Tony Romo look alike...but a much cuter version. He stared,we stared...and the best move he could come with when we were leaving the bar, A HIGH FIVE! I mean really?! This guy was probably in his late 20's early 30's...a high five? Funny. Anyway, we went to Gruv and that is basically where we spent the majority of our night! So I have decided that all of the funny dancers go out on Friday nights. We literally just sat there and watched people dance, or fall for that matter! *Sidenote: If you can't walk into the club without leaning on someone...you should have stopped two drinks ago!* This one guy awkwardly danced in front of our table for awhile before he just decided to sit down...on the table. He actually ended up being really entertaining...he sang for us. I really couldn't here what he was singing, but I'm pretty sure his voice wasnt terrible and it was funny. There was this poor girl who came by herself and danced all by herself for at least half an hour...I think she was going for a "I'm single, so dance with me" approach..but her outfit might have been another deterent for the evening! I will say this girl had to have had mad confidence to dance by herself, after being repeatedly passed by! My friends and I desperatley tried to get her a dance partner, but even we failed. At this point we wanted to dance with her just because everyone needs a dance partner!...but we lost her in the crowd. So instead we just took more fun picutures of ourselves...and others. It's funny how when you are with a group of girls, men are incredibly willing to snap pictures for you...sometimes without even asking! One guy insisted on taking a picture for us,but then decided that because he had taken our picture, we probably needed a picture of him as well. Funny guy...and yes, now we have a picture of him! *Sidenote 2: If you are going to go anywhere with a boy...make sure he is classy! And if you are going to where a short dress....where underwear!*

This poor girl stumbled in with the greasiest guy imaginable! He definetly thought he was really attractive,and sadly,she was a cute girl. So they opted not to get any drinks, which for her was a good thing. Instead, they just awkwardly swayed as if to mimick some sort of slow dancing, but again this guy was holding her up...so they were limited! Now either this creep was just totally oblivious, or he really was just a creep. Her skirt kept rising and rising because of how he was holding her, and no one said a thing! Finally, when her whole mini dress was up around her stomach, we had to go help her. We asked if she was okay, and she stumbled out with the creep! Bad situation, but what can you do?! So...anyway we finished off the night back at Marq dancing it up! So MUCH FUN! Just a great night out with the girls! Seriously the most entertained I have been in a long time!

If Life Is What You Make It....Im Making It Sweet!

2008-09-10T22:59:00.006-05:00

Can I just say how aMaZiNg this week has been! I am so so happy, and I love it! I don't even have a reason to be happy right now! I have absolutely no money, and I have been crazy busy...yet I have had this calm all week long. I feel like this is going to be an amazing semester! School really got me down this summer, and I really had a hard time being happy about anything. Nothing in my life seemed as I wanted it, and I constantly found myself criticizing all that I did. I am a constant worrier when it comes to how I am viewed in the eyes of others! I told myself that I need to just let go of all of that, and show people who it is that I truly am...despite what they may think! I have really let myself open up to sharing my beliefs and feelings with others, and it is so so empowering! Spiritually, I have taken leaps and bounds in just the past week. God is really showing me a lot right now...about what he wants me to do for myself, and for others! For me it is so small, but I know he will replenish me in so many other ways! It's funny, I have no money and I am not worried at all! How can I be, when I just used what I had to make someone else feel loved, even if it was just for today. I love my life! Thank you Jesus!

Trust the Lord your God with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make your paths straight. Proverbs 3:5-6

Too much weight for such little shoulders.....

2008-09-04T13:44:00.006-05:00

So I downloaded a documentary the other day to watch on my Ipod called "Jesus Camp". I barely read the description of what was to follow, but in my mind I think I thought is was going to be like a real world version of a church camp. You know follow the kids around, see what they are eating for lunch...exciting stuff like that!:) Not what I found at all, well for the most part. This was a documentary on an Evangelical Children's camp in the United States. It was pretty much crazy, and nothing that I have ever really seen before. I know like with anything, there are different levels to organizations, and Christians are no different. This video opened up with a room full of children and their parents, being preached to by a youth minister. After telling them that Harry Potter is evil, all of the children gathered and begin speaking in tongues. These kids were crying and just seemed to have no control over what was happening to them. "You are crusaders for Christ!" This youth pastor preached about how stopping abortion was up to these seven year olds! I get that children are our future, but these kids were breaking down at the notion of what they could do to stop abortion....completely! I guess I don't understand the idea that because the parents of these kids think that as Christian adults they haven't had any success, so now it needs to fall on their children's shoulders. I know that not all Christians are brought up to worship in this way, and it is a Fundamentalist way of worship...but it kinda freaked me out! I mean these same kids in the next scene were so normal, and extremely mature for their age! So humbled and innocent in their love for God. I really don't know...all in all it was a disappointing documentary, and sadly eye opening!!

mY tRiP tO nYc In PhOtOgRaPhS...xo

2008-08-28T23:08:00.014-05:00

It's tiny, but this was the view from our hotel room! AMAZING!

The Natural History Museum! You can't tell, but we are in Africa!

This is where I decided I should live when I move to New York...I really didn't want to come home! I was googling NYC apartments from my ipod the whole time I was there!

My beautiful sis, and an amazing waterfall!

LeAd Me To ThE cRoSs...

2008-08-27T22:53:00.002-05:00

So now that school has started, so have my sorority meetings! I am in a christian sorority...and God tests me every semester that we come back! Each semester I am challenged with the task of making new connections with new girls! All my friends go inactive over summer due to busy school schedule's and work...I know this is not the reason I am in this sorority. I joined initially to strengthen my relationship with him, and yet I find myself stressing about all the wrong things. I have grown amazingly because of this organization, spiritually and mentally. My family is not overly religious, so I never really had that growing up. Yes, we went to church, but we didn't really talk about anything other than the hour we spent in our weekly services. And that is when we went...it was never a regular thing. I have a huge issue listening to God. So often I feel like he is pushing me in directions I am not equipped to go in. "I hear you God, but what I think you want me to do is this instead...." I cannot differentiate between what I feel like I should lift up to him, and what I think I know is best for me. I can't let go. I let what other people think dictate a lot of what I do! I hate that about myself so much! I don't know where it comes from. I am incredibly independent and I have a severe weakness in that aspect of self-judgement. I genuinely analyze how my actions may affect other people in my life. I don't ask opinions of my friends anymore in most cases, because if I hear a negative suggestion about something I am really positive about....I cant get it out of my head. I will be totally compassionate about something...as soon as I hear something even remotely negative..it consumes my interpretation of what I am thinking. I shame myself into what I think I should be doing in my life. It is so weak. I over analyze and lie to myself. I know God is relentless and he continually brings me back to these issues, but I still cant seem to let go. I pray constantly that soon I will be ready to admit defeat and let go of whatever is causing me to hold on to what I know is not my path. It's in incredibly scary thing...not knowing how things will end up...where they are going...

"Certain thoughts are prayers. There are moments when, whatever be the attitude of the body, the soul is on its knees".~ Victor Hugo

Whose In A Rush For The Real World Anyway...

2008-08-26T16:21:00.000-05:00

So New York was absolutely amazing! I wont bore you with every amazing thing I encountered while there, but let's just say I found my twin in a city! Love Love Loved it! I found myself thinking "Maybe my parents could ship my stuff here when they get home..."quite often! I totally get why there are so many homeless people there! I wouldn't want to work either. I could walk around that city for weeks! So classes are starting yet again. It's funny, now that I am behind...I'm like "well, here is yet another semester!" Yes! I'm trying out this new thing where I don't worry about what other people think...so if it takes me 10 years to graduate...then whatever~!! Granted, I would love to be done with school at this point...I'm not, and really, stressing about it constantly is not making the time pass any faster. I'm actually kind of excited for some structure back in my life. I couldn't get most of the classes I need to be taking right now, but I am taking some pretty interesting ones, so that should be fun! I'll tell you one thing, I am getting the most well rounded education ever~~ Watch out, you probably don't want to challenge me to any pop culture games, bc I will def. dominate! Interior Design, Mass Communications, History, Astronomy, Art Theory, Fashion Merchandising...you name it, I know it! I'm just hoping to broaden that hodge podge of knowledge this semester, coupled with the two classes I'm taking that actually have something to do with my degree plan.:) If you need any tips on how not to go about college, I have quite a few! # 1 on the list would be:

Meet with your advisors! They really do know what classes you should take! See I thought as a Fresman I could just sign up for what I thought I needed....96 college hours later...and countless classes I dont need...I'm thinking that scheduling that advising appointment really couldnt have been that difficult! Do I sound bitter?:) I'm really not though. Besides studying, I LOVE college! You can still get away with eating your parents food, and naps because you pulled an all-nighter "studying". Blah Blah Blah...enough about school!

"College is a place to keep warm between high school and an early marriage". ~George Gobel

And Your Supervisors Name...

2008-08-05T11:08:00.000-05:00

"Seriously! Are you really talking so an actual person like that!?!?", this was me sitting at my desk at work this morning! I work a lot, and yes, at times I get stressed! Who doesn't? I have to say though, there is a point when you need to step back and re-evaluate how you are handling things. I do love both of my jobs, despite the stress they bring, but lately it has been really hard! I feel bad, because my co-worker is getting increasingly harder to work with. Honestly, she isn't really all that rude to me, but the way she talks to other people really amazes me! I often think if I was on the receiving end of some of her calls, I would probably cry. I can't even believe some of the things she says to people, and all because your payment posted one day late!?! I mean it was probably human error anyway! Why is it their fault? Remember, they are just trying to do a job too, and you screaming at them like they are totally incompetent probably doesn't make speaking nicely to you any easier! The way she treats people is so frustrating to me, to the point where I really don't talk to her too much anymore. I feel like I am on the verge of being rude myself, but I really think if I say too much...it will all come pouring out of me! Please don't tell me what a christian you are and then as soon as someone leaves the office, rant about what a bitch they were! Believe me, there are times that I want to yell at people too! But geez! I mean I really don't know how many different supervisors you can talk to before you are actually satisfied! And shouldn't being hung up on multiple times be a sign? Yes, you are right...being hung up on is not good customer service, and you probably should complain. However, when it happens so frequently, don't you wonder what is causing these poor representatives to get to the point where all they can do is slam down the phone? The answer: your spitting words of fire bursting through the phone at them! I mean, even I am uncomfortable in my chair, and it's not even directed at me! I am a generally happy person, and frankly....you are raining on my parade!

Sometimes when you're angry you have the right to be angry, but that doesn't give you the right to be cruel. ~Author Unknown

50 things you probably didnt know about me....

2008-08-01T10:36:00.000-05:00

So I have the whole office to myself today! yes. I was reading a friends myspace page, and she had one of those silly surveys on her page...you know the ones. So amidst my boredom here at work, I decided to create a list of random facts of my own. Here goes:

I rarely get scared at home by myself...but at night just to be safe, sometimes I sleep with a frying pan under the bed! Knife's kind of freak me out, and well with a frying pan I'm less likely to miss.

I once stood in line at Starbucks... behind Greg Brady. (Seriously, believe me, it was hard to contain my excitement)

My all time favorite food is ABC soup

When I cant sleep, I re-play episodes of Friends in my head.

I had the same agent as the Olsen twins when I was five...I could have been Michelle Tanner!

I have the same re-occurring dream once a year. It's so random too! I have no idea why I have it, or how it pertains to my life at all, but Dolly Parton is in it.

I have a collection of antique aprons. I buy them on every trip I go on. I don't do a thing with them...well except wear them of course! I'm trying to come up with something cool...still thinking

I often cheat death when I am driving.

I wish I was born in Greece.

I hide things I write under my mattress

I dance in the shower...a lot! I've fallen down a few times!

I love Miley Cyrus...well really, I love Disney! And High School Musical! Otherwise, I'm totally mature:)haha

I love Rap! So much so, that sometimes I print out the words and learn them all, so I can be cool and sing every word!

I have been out of the country 4 times.

I hate when people put things in their cart and a few isles later decide they don't want it! Take the two seconds to put it back where it goes!

I talk to my parents every day

I have an extreme interest in Africa...and I've never been there

I already know who my bridesmaids will be....for a wedding that is not even in my remote future

I LOVE Bravo

I wish I read a lot more....I buy books all the time!

I love to people watch

I thought it was cool to barely eat in junior high..."one cup of yogurt...I am so full!" I'm pretty sure everyone saw right through that!:)

Sometimes I pull muscles in my sleep

Pike's Place Market is my most favorite place in the world

I have a craft chest full of crafting supplies

I love for it to rain while I am sleeping

I want a tiny tattoo, in all white....so small though that I know I will never do it

I have a really hard time crying when I feel like I should be crying.....but I can cry about the silliest things no problem!

I own a guitar that I don't know how to play...I have had it for three years now!

I love Christmas! But really, who doesn't

My favorite number is 3

I would be really sad if I lost the ring I wear on my right hand...I have had it for 9 years

I let my rice crispy's get soggy before I eat them

I start playing Christmas music in November

Sometimes I buy baby clothes...I don't have a baby! The little shoes are just so cute!

I love babies!

I have the "falling" dream about once a week

I love wearing high heels

I wish I liked sushi

Sometimes eye contact kinda freaks me out....

I love tube socks! Those really should come back into style!

haha, in the winter I tuck my pajama pants into my tube socks so I don't get all tangled at night! You don't have to tell me I'm a dork...I am VERY aware of it

I like to send subliminal messages with my myspace page songs

I really want an old mustang! I would trade my car in a second for one!

I wish I didn't care what people thought so much

Hobby Lobby might be my favorite store

I love Racquet Ball!

I get sick if I read in the car

I love listening to live music

I drink tomato juice....but only when I'm flying.

Learn to... be what you are, and learn to resign with a good grace all that you are not. ~Henri Frederic Amiel

Parking Services...Where Do You Hide!?!

2008-07-31T19:44:00.000-05:00

Let me just start out by saying, I am normally a law abiding citizen. I recently purchased a new car in February...only because I totaled the previous. Now, I didn't feel the need to re-purchase a parking permit for this car because I was already into my semester, and most of the time I pay for the parking garage at Tx State bc it is a lot closer to all of my classes! Yes, I would rather pay $7 a day to park, then to walk every single day. It is sad, and yes, I am aware of it. Thank you. So now that summer school is here, I still do not have a parking permit. Here's the deal...no one is here! I have been sneakily getting away with parking my car on campus, without a permit! Not only have I been parking on campus, but in the "Red Zone"! This is for prestigious professors only! I have gotten away with this for three weeks now, three weeks until today! I have a class at 6pm every night of the week. This factor has played a huge part in my not getting tickets, bc I think they leave at 5! Well, I had lab the other day...at 4! D-I-L-E-M-A, let me tell you~ I decided I would swoop under the radar and park in a residential parking lot down the street, and at the bottom of a hill....just to be safe! On this particular day, it was pouring! As I was walking up the hill to class with a friend, I pointed out a student who had just parked in the "RED ZONE". He too, was trying to cheat the system. Just as he was about three feet from his car...dun dun dun...PaRkInG sErViCeS! Now, I don't want to stereotype too much here, but I'm pretty sure this kid, aside from his job as a trusty meter maid...probably has a pet snake and an extensive collection of Star Wars figurines at home. My fellow partner in crime realizing the guy with the ticket book was in the lot, stopped dead in his tracks, lifted his index finger straight in the air, and stood still for a minute! (The light bulb is going off at this point). He quickly retreated back to his car, as if to retrieve something he had forgotten, but swiftly hoped in and moved his car. Aww, one less ticket! I kind of laughed to myself...and stupidly walked right into class! So four hours later...and drained, I trudge down the slippery hill, through the river of rain water to my car. Guess what is there to greet me? A beautifully drenched, bright orange parking ticket! I was so annoyed! I complained to myself the whole way home! I tried to justify my parking there...I mean yes, i didn't have the permit...but there were two other cars in this WHOLE parking lot.! I mean I know the imaginary cars need somewhere to park from time to time, and yes, the campus is crazy at 8 on Monday nights...but really! $35 gone!

Three days later....another ticket, and after 5pm! So I have now actually paid for a full parking permit, without even actually receiving one! Impressive I know!

"Shoulda bought that permit...huh?" "ha ha"-the on duty police officer as I'm paying my tickets

nEw YoRk, NeW yOrK....

2008-07-29T13:48:00.000-05:00

So I leave for NeW yOrK in about two weeks! I am so excited! I've never been before. I love to travel, and honestly I could just be going to a town in Texas and probably be excited...but it's New York! I have been a lot of places, but I feel like New York is just one of those cities you have to go to at some point in your life. (haha, this whole blog will be funny if I hate it). I have been told that people who like the West Coast hate the East Coast, and vice versa. I just don't see how this is possible! I love California! I probably am a little partial because I was born there, but I don't know many people that don't enjoy it. There really is a lot to see, and it is just beautiful! I hear New York is kind of dirty...but at the moment so is my house. That I think I can get over! I desperately want to go to Harlem, but I think that might have to be a later trip...one that does not involve the whole family. It really doesn't matter though.. I am just excited to be going away. I love love love to travel, and the fact that I'm not going to have to work for a whole week straight is amazing!

One's destination is never a place, but a new way of seeing things.- Henry Miller

I-35, The Hot Ticket In Town For Picking Up Girls...

2008-07-25T16:56:00.000-05:00

so i was doing my usual commute home from work...headed south on 35. As most of you know, I am a lover of music, and partake in usual car concerts and car dancing. Doesn't everybody? So I am minding my own business..singing some Katy Perry, as I casually pass a black sports car of some sort. I really don't pay too much attention, except that I notice out of the corner of my eye, that the business man occupying the car is smoking. I make a mental note "Eww, smoking is so unattractive", as if to remind myself that I don't like smoking. I keep singing and keeping an eye on the road, when I notice the said black car racing up behind me! Initially, I think, "Maybe I have a flat tire, and this is a good samaritan racing to tell me...or maybe this is just some jerk that thinks 80mph in the fast lane just isn't quite fast enough. Either way, I keep my steady pace and don't pay too much attention. Soon he is right next to me, as if we are racing...and then I have to laugh to myself, because clearly this man does not realize that my car is hot, and secretly I wish I was a race car driver! I keep a steady pace...and after about five miles of him keeping pace with me, I have to look over! "Seriously sir, are you really still right next to me?!?" At this point, Mr. Miata (as I will refer to him) has set down his cig, and is using both hands to motion the "OK" sign, coupled with a few points to me, and a creepy, "I'm think I'm hot, and you should too" winks. After a split second of "Funny! This is really happening!" thoughts in my head, all I can think to do is mouth back a "thank you", and puzzled look. Is this really what we have come to. Perhaps he's just a little shy, and the oppurtunity presented itself. Or maybe he just finds more of a thrill in racing down I 35, coordinating hand gestures, all while trying to stay in his lane. I mean let's be honest, the bars downtown do get a little repetitive. "Hi, Can I buy you a drink? And then I will just stare at you if that is okay?" That is just awkward for all parties involved. I'm not sure where Mr. Miata got his idea for picking up girls on IH-35, but he wasn't finished! Still right there next to me on the interstate, he races to keep up with me. At this point I'm not really sure what to do! I don't really know if he thought I was going to pull over and say.."Clever, here is my number...or maybe he just thought he could follow me to my destination. We all know that would never happen, bc I am very aware of cars following me. Maybe it's crazy, but sometimes shady cars freak me out, and if they follow me for too long....not cool. I have been known to randomly drive farther then I needed to just to lose the crazy's! I mean I don't really think they need to know where I live. After about ten minutes of racing/pick up gestures...he finally had to exit! I think I laughed a little more, well really the rest of the way home. Now my singing had been so interrupted that I had to start my whole cd over...but all in all, Mr. Miata opened my eyes to the new lengths dirty old men will go to when trying to pick up girls! Thanks Mr. Miata, hope I-35 works out for you soon!

"Do you believe in love at first sight? Or should I drive by again?- Probably what Mr. Miata would have asked if I actually stopped.

In Case You Are Keeping Track.....

2008-07-24T11:59:00.001-05:00

I will be celebrating my 22nd year of life in a mere 14 days! It's amazing and exciting! Sure, 22 is really just another birthday...a birthday that really doesn't have anything great to offer, like the prior one did. However, I get another year of this amazing life! It's funny to think how easily we take for granted what we have. Often I think about how different my life could have been. I almost didn't make it out of the hospital when I was born, spinal meningitis..who gets that! Thank God, I am fine. Not only have I made it to 22, I got a twin sister out of the deal. That too, is something I take for granted entirely too much! She is so amazing! It amazes me at just how difficult picking out a simple present for her is! I mean I shared a uterus with this girl for almost nine months! We live together...we do EvErYtHiNg together! I love her so much, and lately I've been feeling guilty about how little I actually feel like I know about her. In my defense, I am very opinionated about my likes and dislikes. Therefore, I voice a lot about my life to her. Ash(by the way, she hates that I call her this...her usual response to my calling her Ash is.."I don't know Amb.."haha...just a side note) is much more reserved about they way she feels and what she is thinking. I have an extremely liberal taste, but more conservative view. Does that even make sense?? She calls me a hippy all the time. I constantly put myself out there with regards to how I am feeling...in most cases:) Most of our birthday's we just pick out things we like, and pay for each other's items...Happy Birthday! This year I wanted to do something different...and actually keep it a secret until our actual birthday on the 8th....still no ideas! I just want her to understand how amazing she is to me.....and I know that she does sort of...I would be wrecked without her! Like seriously, I don't think a lot of people know and understand me exactly like she does.
So my birthday also brings up the harsh reality that my biological father has nothing to do with my life. My parents divorced when I was two years old. He kept in touch for awhile, and after my last visit with him at 12 years old...he pretty much cut off contact. I tried to pretend like I didn't care, because let's be honest, my step-father...who I really have always considered my father..is amazing! Is it weird that I'm 22 and still call him Daddy? Ive kind of always thought that Daddy is like the ultimate compliment...like yes, I am 22 and an adult..but I still WANT to call you Daddy. I still need your approval, I'm still your little girl. So I went nine years without any contact with him. I really carried a lot of anger about the whole situation at that time. It was hard. I so badly wanted to let it all go, give someone who actually cared about me..(my step-dad) my full attention. I write a lot. I started with journals, then moved into songs and poems. I would write so much, and so irregularly that I now just have a drawer full of things I've written. Papers, napkins...old journals. Anyway, I wrote a ton about the whole situation and looking back now...its just sad. I didn't talk to anyone about it, but it was a lot for a sixteen year old to deal with. I didn't know how to. Randomly, he called one day and surprisingly it felt good to talk to him. I was going to California that summer for my birthday, and for some reason I just felt like I needed to see him. I say it all the time..but God really has amazing ways of showing you things. In my head I thought I wanted to see him because I felt like I needed to. It was the most awkward visit ever! I felt like I was begging him to talk to me. I felt uncomfortable the whole time. I spent more time in conversation with my half-brother and sister, and step mother whom Ive met maybe two other times. I think I was so stuck on seeing him, because part of me felt like it was going to be the last time I would in my life. God really made me see how truly wonderful the man taking care of me is. It's like he was telling me, "why are you trying to go back...look at what is here, and wants to be here forever!" That was two years ago, and I haven't talked to him since. Ironically, I'm totally at peace with it all! And I'm okay with it. I think all of that writing was a pre-cursor to my finally seeing him two years ago. I went into that trip with the understanding that is was going to give me closure. The whole situation is sad in one sense, but at the same time, I don't know where he is coming from. I get that it has to be hard, and I'm sure he feels some sense of embarrassment about the fact that from the time I was twelve, I was the one trying to initiate the relationship. It never should have been my place, as a father he should have wanted to be there. I have an even stronger relationship with my step-dad after that trip. It really opened my eyes. We are in the process of doing an adult adoption and last name change. Most people don't understand the point, because yes, I will be getting married down the line...and yes my name will change again. Deep down though, I totally owe who I am to my step-father. He deserves all the credit in who I am today, and I want my last name to reflect that.

So yes, it has been a crazy 22 years, but at least its been 22. God has graced me with 22 years to figure it all out!

If you want to be happy, be.- Henry David Thoreau

Eternally " just the friend"

2008-06-30T22:33:00.000-05:00

so clearly I'm not one of those types that gets on here everyday...I think it's okay though because I'm pretty sure I am the only one reading this. Ironically, it helps. Thinking something is totally different then reading it after the fact. I have found through all of this blogging, that I am somewhat dramatic in the moment. I don't know that it is necessarily a bad thing though. I will say that in most cases I hold back more than I wish I did, so if in the passion of one moment I can be overly dramatic... then so be it! I'll be even for all of the times I didn't say what I wanted to so badly. Okay, so my mom keeps asking me about my love life....funny I think. I have been single fOrEvEr...and I mean really. I just laugh now when anyone asks me who I am dating...bc it never changes! I am so unbelievably picky, and I hate that! Honestly, I don't even think that I am so picky, but things just never work out! I am all for personality over looks, but there has to be an inital attraction to get to that level! And if that is shallow, then I am sorry!:) Why is there so much pressure! I am a chill girl, I need a chill guy. Easier said then done! So while all my friends are getting engaged and talking about marriage, I am already clearing space in my closet for the bridesmaid dresses. Katherine Heigl...27 dresses....welcome to my life! I kid that I'm going to have to track down all of my bridesmaids by the time I get married...haha or maybe I will just make things easier and elope in Hawaii!

"Sometimes you have to stand alone to prove that you can still stand." -Anonymous

hOw I LoVe SuMmEr TiMe...

2008-06-03T15:15:00.000-05:00

well, on a lighter note...it's Summer! I could not be more excited about not being in class! For someone who despises school as much as I do, I find it ironic that 1) I've managed to post-pone my graduating by a year...or two, and 2) that I have decided on a major which revolves around school! Although, let's be honest...we all know I am not going to be a kindergarten teacher because I love the teaching part...I just really like to play!:) "I get to be Malibu Barbie, you kids can play with the puzzles over there!" All in all, school is the farthest thing from my mind right now. It's so draining! I think degrees are overrated, but I dont know that my parents would agree. So now that summer is here, Im going to delight in the fact that I have three almost four months to completely blow my money on useless activities such as put put, and theme parks. Which reminds me that I will be dining with Shamu at Sea World about this time next week! Good Times...

Deep summer is when laziness finds respectability. ~Sam Keen

Battle Within Myself

2008-05-22T11:22:00.001-05:00

Isn't it funny how when things in your life are good, they are so good...but when they are bad, just getting out of bed is difficult! Twenty one years, and I am just beginning to feel the need to be selfish. I have huge issues with guilt and responsibility. Ive had two jobs since I was fifteen years old, and yet I feel guilty when I need a break! I live my life as though I have kids to pay for or something. Everything has come to a head all in the past two months, and things have gotten really rough! I hate that I feel like I need to making everyone else's life easier, even if I am terribly unhappy. I can't stand confrontation, and therefore get walked on a lot. I always tell myself that I do these things because by me helping, I am somehow making there lives easier and enriching mine. I think I am just easily manipulated. I dont know how to stand up for myself, and I obviously dont feel as though my happiness is worth it. Im ready to be selfish. I want to make time to figure out my OWN life. If there was ever a time in my life to be selfish, these are the years right? Don't tell me, "You are so good here!", I hear "You can't leave, you NEED to be here." Dont say "Amber, you have worked really hard since you were fifteen!"...I hear "Why are you quitting now, you are more responsible than that".

Action may not always bring happiness; but there is no happiness without action.

-Benjamin Disraeli