LeAd Me To ThE cRoSs...

So now that school has started, so have my sorority meetings!  I am in a christian sorority...and God tests me every semester that we come back!  Each semester I am challenged with the task of making new connections with new girls!  All my friends go inactive over summer due to busy school schedule's and work...I know this is not the reason I am in this sorority.  I joined initially to strengthen my relationship with him, and yet I find myself stressing about all the wrong things.  I have grown amazingly because of this organization, spiritually and mentally.  My family is not overly religious, so I never really had that growing up.  Yes, we went to church, but we didn't really talk about anything other than the hour we spent in our weekly services.  And that is when we went...it was never a regular thing.  I have a huge issue listening to God.  So often I feel like he is pushing me in directions I am not equipped to go in.  "I hear you God, but what I think you want me to do is this instead...."  I cannot differentiate between what I feel like I should lift up to him, and what I think I know is best for me.  I can't let go.  I let what other people think dictate a lot of what I do!  I hate that about myself so much!  I don't know where it comes from.  I am incredibly independent and I have a severe weakness in that aspect of self-judgement.  I genuinely analyze how my actions may affect other people in my life.  I don't ask opinions of my friends anymore in most cases, because if I hear a negative suggestion about something I am really positive about....I cant get it out of my head.  I will be totally compassionate about something...as soon as I hear something even remotely negative..it consumes my interpretation of what I am thinking.  I shame myself into what I think I should be doing in my life.  It is so weak.  I over analyze and lie to myself.  I know God is relentless and he continually brings me back to these issues, but I still cant seem to let go.  I pray constantly that soon I will be ready to admit defeat and let go of whatever is causing me to hold on to what I know is not my path.  It's in incredibly scary thing...not knowing how things will end up...where they are going...

"Certain thoughts are prayers.  There are moments when, whatever be the attitude of the body, the soul is on its knees".~ Victor Hugo

Whose In A Rush For The Real World Anyway...

So New York was absolutely amazing! I wont bore you with every amazing thing I encountered while there, but let's just say I found my twin in a city! Love Love Loved it! I found myself thinking "Maybe my parents could ship my stuff here when they get home..."quite often! I totally get why there are so many homeless people there! I wouldn't want to work either. I could walk around that city for weeks! So classes are starting yet again. It's funny, now that I am behind...I'm like "well, here is yet another semester!" Yes! I'm trying out this new thing where I don't worry about what other people think...so if it takes me 10 years to graduate...then whatever~!! Granted, I would love to be done with school at this point...I'm not, and really, stressing about it constantly is not making the time pass any faster. I'm actually kind of excited for some structure back in my life. I couldn't get most of the classes I need to be taking right now, but I am taking some pretty interesting ones, so that should be fun! I'll tell you one thing, I am getting the most well rounded education ever~~ Watch out, you probably don't want to challenge me to any pop culture games, bc I will def. dominate! Interior Design, Mass Communications, History, Astronomy, Art Theory, Fashion Merchandising...you name it, I know it! I'm just hoping to broaden that hodge podge of knowledge this semester, coupled with the two classes I'm taking that actually have something to do with my degree plan.:) If you need any tips on how not to go about college, I have quite a few! # 1 on the list would be:

Meet with your advisors! They really do know what classes you should take! See I thought as a Fresman I could just sign up for what I thought I needed....96 college hours later...and countless classes I dont need...I'm thinking that scheduling that advising appointment really couldnt have been that difficult! Do I sound bitter?:) I'm really not though. Besides studying, I LOVE college! You can still get away with eating your parents food, and naps because you pulled an all-nighter "studying". Blah Blah Blah...enough about school!

"College is a place to keep warm between high school and an early marriage". ~George Gobel

50 things you probably didnt know about me....

So I have the whole office to myself today! yes. I was reading a friends myspace page, and she had one of those silly surveys on her page...you know the ones. So amidst my boredom here at work, I decided to create a list of random facts of my own. Here goes:

• I rarely get scared at home by myself...but at night just to be safe, sometimes I sleep with a frying pan under the bed! Knife's kind of freak me out, and well with a frying pan I'm less likely to miss.


• I once stood in line at Starbucks... behind Greg Brady. (Seriously, believe me, it was hard to contain my excitement)


• My all time favorite food is ABC soup


• When I cant sleep, I re-play episodes of Friends in my head.


• I had the same agent as the Olsen twins when I was five...I could have been Michelle Tanner!


• I have the same re-occurring dream once a year. It's so random too! I have no idea why I have it, or how it pertains to my life at all, but Dolly Parton is in it.


• I have a collection of antique aprons. I buy them on every trip I go on. I don't do a thing with them...well except wear them of course! I'm trying to come up with something cool...still thinking


• I often cheat death when I am driving.


• I wish I was born in Greece.


• I hide things I write under my mattress


• I dance in the shower...a lot! I've fallen down a few times!


• I love Miley Cyrus...well really, I love Disney! And High School Musical! Otherwise, I'm totally mature:)haha


• I love Rap! So much so, that sometimes I print out the words and learn them all, so I can be cool and sing every word!


• I have been out of the country 4 times.


• I hate when people put things in their cart and a few isles later decide they don't want it! Take the two seconds to put it back where it goes!


• I talk to my parents every day


• I have an extreme interest in Africa...and I've never been there


• I already know who my bridesmaids will be....for a wedding that is not even in my remote future


• I LOVE Bravo


• I wish I read a lot more....I buy books all the time!


• I love to people watch


• I thought it was cool to barely eat in junior high..."one cup of yogurt...I am so full!" I'm pretty sure everyone saw right through that!:)


• Sometimes I pull muscles in my sleep


• Pike's Place Market is my most favorite place in the world


• I have a craft chest full of crafting supplies


• I love for it to rain while I am sleeping


• I want a tiny tattoo, in all white....so small though that I know I will never do it


• I have a really hard time crying when I feel like I should be crying.....but I can cry about the silliest things no problem!


• I own a guitar that I don't know how to play...I have had it for three years now!


• I love Christmas! But really, who doesn't


• My favorite number is 3


• I would be really sad if I lost the ring I wear on my right hand...I have had it for 9 years


• I let my rice crispy's get soggy before I eat them


• I start playing Christmas music in November


• Sometimes I buy baby clothes...I don't have a baby! The little shoes are just so cute!


• I love babies!


• I have the "falling" dream about once a week


• I love wearing high heels


• I wish I liked sushi


• Sometimes eye contact kinda freaks me out....


• I love tube socks! Those really should come back into style!


• haha, in the winter I tuck my pajama pants into my tube socks so I don't get all tangled at night! You don't have to tell me I'm a dork...I am VERY aware of it


• I like to send subliminal messages with my myspace page songs


• I really want an old mustang! I would trade my car in a second for one!


• I wish I didn't care what people thought so much


• Hobby Lobby might be my favorite store


• I love Racquet Ball!


• I get sick if I read in the car


• I love listening to live music


• I drink tomato juice....but only when I'm flying.

Learn to... be what you are, and learn to resign with a good grace all that you are not. ~Henri Frederic Amiel

Parking Services...Where Do You Hide!?!

Let me just start out by saying, I am normally a law abiding citizen.  I recently purchased a new car in February...only because I totaled the previous.  Now, I didn't feel the need to re-purchase a parking permit for this car because I was already into my semester, and most of the time I pay for the parking garage at Tx State bc it is a lot closer to all of my classes!  Yes, I would rather pay $7 a day to park, then to walk every single day.  It is sad, and yes, I am aware of it.  Thank you.  So now that summer school is here, I still do not have a parking permit.  Here's the deal...no one is here!  I have been sneakily getting away with parking my car on campus, without a permit!  Not only have I been parking on campus, but in the "Red Zone"!  This is for prestigious professors only!  I have gotten away with this for three weeks now, three weeks until today!  I have a class at 6pm every night of the week.  This factor has played a huge part in my not getting tickets, bc I think they leave at 5!  Well, I had lab the other day...at 4!  D-I-L-E-M-A, let me tell you~  I decided I would swoop under the radar and park in a residential parking lot down the street, and at the bottom of a hill....just to be safe!  On this particular day, it was pouring!   As I was walking up the hill to class with a friend, I pointed out a student who had just parked in the "RED ZONE".  He too, was trying to cheat the system.  Just as he was about three feet from his car...dun dun dun...PaRkInG sErViCeS!  Now, I don't want to stereotype too much here, but I'm pretty sure this kid, aside from his job as a trusty meter maid...probably has a pet snake and an extensive collection of Star Wars figurines at home.  My fellow partner in crime realizing the guy with the ticket book was in the lot, stopped dead in his tracks, lifted his index finger straight in the air, and stood still for a minute! (The light bulb is going off at this point).  He quickly retreated back to his car, as if to retrieve something he had forgotten, but swiftly hoped in and moved his car.  Aww, one less ticket!  I kind of laughed to myself...and stupidly walked right into class!  So four hours later...and drained, I trudge down the slippery hill, through the river of rain water to my car.  Guess what is there to greet me?  A beautifully drenched, bright orange parking ticket!  I was so annoyed!  I complained to myself the whole way home!  I tried to justify my parking there...I mean yes, i didn't have the permit...but there were two other cars in this WHOLE parking lot.!  I mean I know the imaginary cars need somewhere to park from time to time, and yes, the campus is crazy at 8 on Monday nights...but really!  $35 gone!  

Three days later....another ticket, and after 5pm!  So I have now actually paid for a full parking permit, without even actually receiving one!  Impressive I know!  

"Shoulda bought that permit...huh?" "ha ha"-the on duty police officer as I'm paying my tickets

nEw YoRk, NeW yOrK....

So I leave for NeW yOrK in about two weeks! I am so excited! I've never been before. I love to travel, and honestly I could just be going to a town in Texas and probably be excited...but it's New York! I have been a lot of places, but I feel like New York is just one of those cities you have to go to at some point in your life. (haha, this whole blog will be funny if I hate it). I have been told that people who like the West Coast hate the East Coast, and vice versa. I just don't see how this is possible! I love California! I probably am a little partial because I was born there, but I don't know many people that don't enjoy it. There really is a lot to see, and it is just beautiful!  I hear New York is kind of dirty...but at the moment so is my house.  That I think I can get over!  I desperately want to go to Harlem, but I think that might have to be a later trip...one that does not involve the whole family.  It really doesn't matter though.. I am just excited to be going away.  I love love love to travel, and the fact that I'm not going to have to work for a whole week straight is amazing!

One's destination is never a place, but a new way of seeing things.- Henry Miller

I-35, The Hot Ticket In Town For Picking Up Girls...

so i was doing my usual commute home from work...headed south on 35. As most of you know, I am a lover of music, and partake in usual car concerts and car dancing. Doesn't everybody? So I am minding my own business..singing some Katy Perry, as I casually pass a black sports car of some sort. I really don't pay too much attention, except that I notice out of the corner of my eye, that the business man occupying the car is smoking. I make a mental note "Eww, smoking is so unattractive", as if to remind myself that I don't like smoking. I keep singing and keeping an eye on the road, when I notice the said black car racing up behind me! Initially, I think, "Maybe I have a flat tire, and this is a good samaritan racing to tell me...or maybe this is just some jerk that thinks 80mph in the fast lane just isn't quite fast enough. Either way, I keep my steady pace and don't pay too much attention. Soon he is right next to me, as if we are racing...and then I have to laugh to myself, because clearly this man does not realize that my car is hot, and secretly I wish I was a race car driver! I keep a steady pace...and after about five miles of him keeping pace with me, I have to look over! "Seriously sir, are you really still right next to me?!?" At this point, Mr. Miata (as I will refer to him) has set down his cig, and is using both hands to motion the "OK" sign, coupled with a few points to me, and a creepy, "I'm think I'm hot, and you should too" winks. After a split second of "Funny! This is really happening!" thoughts in my head, all I can think to do is mouth back a "thank you", and puzzled look. Is this really what we have come to. Perhaps he's just a little shy, and the oppurtunity presented itself. Or maybe he just finds more of a thrill in racing down I 35, coordinating hand gestures, all while trying to stay in his lane. I mean let's be honest, the bars downtown do get a little repetitive. "Hi, Can I buy you a drink? And then I will just stare at you if that is okay?" That is just awkward for all parties involved. I'm not sure where Mr. Miata got his idea for picking up girls on IH-35, but he wasn't finished! Still right there next to me on the interstate, he races to keep up with me. At this point I'm not really sure what to do! I don't really know if he thought I was going to pull over and say.."Clever, here is my number...or maybe he just thought he could follow me to my destination. We all know that would never happen, bc I am very aware of cars following me. Maybe it's crazy, but sometimes shady cars freak me out, and if they follow me for too long....not cool. I have been known to randomly drive farther then I needed to just to lose the crazy's! I mean I don't really think they need to know where I live. After about ten minutes of racing/pick up gestures...he finally had to exit! I think I laughed a little more, well really the rest of the way home. Now my singing had been so interrupted that I had to start my whole cd over...but all in all, Mr. Miata opened my eyes to the new lengths dirty old men will go to when trying to pick up girls! Thanks Mr. Miata, hope I-35 works out for you soon!

"Do you believe in love at first sight? Or should I drive by again?- Probably what Mr. Miata would have asked if I actually stopped.

In Case You Are Keeping Track.....

I will be celebrating my 22nd year of life in a mere 14 days! It's amazing and exciting! Sure, 22 is really just another birthday...a birthday that really doesn't have anything great to offer, like the prior one did. However, I get another year of this amazing life! It's funny to think how easily we take for granted what we have. Often I think about how different my life could have been. I almost didn't make it out of the hospital when I was born, spinal meningitis..who gets that! Thank God, I am fine. Not only have I made it to 22, I got a twin sister out of the deal. That too, is something I take for granted entirely too much! She is so amazing! It amazes me at just how difficult picking out a simple present for her is! I mean I shared a uterus with this girl for almost nine months! We live together...we do EvErYtHiNg together! I love her so much, and lately I've been feeling guilty about how little I actually feel like I know about her. In my defense, I am very opinionated about my likes and dislikes. Therefore, I voice a lot about my life to her. Ash(by the way, she hates that I call her this...her usual response to my calling her Ash is.."I don't know Amb.."haha...just a side note) is much more reserved about they way she feels and what she is thinking. I have an extremely liberal taste, but more conservative view. Does that even make sense?? She calls me a hippy all the time. I constantly put myself out there with regards to how I am feeling...in most cases:) Most of our birthday's we just pick out things we like, and pay for each other's items...Happy Birthday! This year I wanted to do something different...and actually keep it a secret until our actual birthday on the 8th....still no ideas! I just want her to understand how amazing she is to me.....and I know that she does sort of...I would be wrecked without her! Like seriously, I don't think a lot of people know and understand me exactly like she does.
So my birthday also brings up the harsh reality that my biological father has nothing to do with my life. My parents divorced when I was two years old. He kept in touch for awhile, and after my last visit with him at 12 years old...he pretty much cut off contact. I tried to pretend like I didn't care, because let's be honest, my step-father...who I really have always considered my father..is amazing! Is it weird that I'm 22 and still call him Daddy? Ive kind of always thought that Daddy is like the ultimate compliment...like yes, I am 22 and an adult..but I still WANT to call you Daddy. I still need your approval, I'm still your little girl. So I went nine years without any contact with him. I really carried a lot of anger about the whole situation at that time. It was hard. I so badly wanted to let it all go, give someone who actually cared about me..(my step-dad) my full attention. I write a lot. I started with journals, then moved into songs and poems. I would write so much, and so irregularly that I now just have a drawer full of things I've written. Papers, napkins...old journals. Anyway, I wrote a ton about the whole situation and looking back now...its just sad. I didn't talk to anyone about it, but it was a lot for a sixteen year old to deal with. I didn't know how to. Randomly, he called one day and surprisingly it felt good to talk to him. I was going to California that summer for my birthday, and for some reason I just felt like I needed to see him. I say it all the time..but God really has amazing ways of showing you things. In my head I thought I wanted to see him because I felt like I needed to. It was the most awkward visit ever! I felt like I was begging him to talk to me. I felt uncomfortable the whole time. I spent more time in conversation with my half-brother and sister, and step mother whom Ive met maybe two other times. I think I was so stuck on seeing him, because part of me felt like it was going to be the last time I would in my life. God really made me see how truly wonderful the man taking care of me is. It's like he was telling me, "why are you trying to go back...look at what is here, and wants to be here forever!" That was two years ago, and I haven't talked to him since. Ironically, I'm totally at peace with it all! And I'm okay with it. I think all of that writing was a pre-cursor to my finally seeing him two years ago. I went into that trip with the understanding that is was going to give me closure. The whole situation is sad in one sense, but at the same time, I don't know where he is coming from. I get that it has to be hard, and I'm sure he feels some sense of embarrassment about the fact that from the time I was twelve, I was the one trying to initiate the relationship. It never should have been my place, as a father he should have wanted to be there. I have an even stronger relationship with my step-dad after that trip. It really opened my eyes. We are in the process of doing an adult adoption and last name change. Most people don't understand the point, because yes, I will be getting married down the line...and yes my name will change again. Deep down though, I totally owe who I am to my step-father. He deserves all the credit in who I am today, and I want my last name to reflect that.

So yes, it has been a crazy 22 years, but at least its been 22. God has graced me with 22 years to figure it all out!

If you want to be happy, be.- Henry David Thoreau