And It Went A Little Something Like This...Questions I'll Die Trying To Answer.chapter four.

'I Have A Dream'...Now What?

Why are things always better in our dreams? If we are intelligent enough to piece together events in our sleep, that make us want to go back to sleep, even if just for five minutes. Than why is it so hard to make that happen in real life? As if finding out who that cloudy face was you were about to kiss, is going to change the course of your days events. It is pointless. Just like when you wake up one minute before your alarm clock goes off, and yet you still close your eyes for the now 44 seconds that are left in that moment. I mean yes, I can kiss a cloudy face in real life, and with 6th street a mere thirty minutes away, easily so. But what does it actually take? In my dreams, I am invincible. A force to be reckoned with, someone that someone wants to look up to. I am fearless and forward. I take what I want, and demand what I deserve. And in my dreams, I look like Natalie Portman and I might be 5'9, but those are minor details. I'm pretty sure my sister has it all figured out. The other night this is how she told us she was going to sleep...
Sister: "Alright guys, well I'm going to go think about what I want to dream about."
Me: "What does that even mean?"
Sister: "Oh yeah, well I haven't been having very exciting dreams lately, so now I just go lay in bed a little earlier and think about it first."
Me: "Does it work?"
Sister: "Every time".
Now I agree that it does sound like a pretty legit plan, but we first have to remember that all she is really having to think about, is whether or not she is marrying Brad Pitt or Jude Law. And between the secret love children and nanny cheating Jude is accustomed to these days, Brad is the obvious choice. Too much baggage is never a good thing, even if just in a dream. Now 'Dream Planning' as I will refer to it would be great if it somehow involved transpiring dreams into a reality as well. A well-versed optimist, and yet when it comes to the life that I want to lead, I'm a bit of a pessimist. Everything I've ever wanted to do in my life, I've told myself it isn't practical. And maybe it isn't, but jobs that real people have nonetheless. If it is a practical way of living for them, why can't it be a practical way of living for me? Again, most of which I am referring to didn't really grow up 'practically', more like privileged. But still, normal people can have these amazingly wonderful lives too... It happens. A wise professor once told me that it is dangerous to daydream because our reality can never live up to what we imagine in our dreams. But what if what we imagine in our dreams is better than anything we imagine doing in real life? I've had my fair share of crazy dreams, and in some cases it is probably best that they occur only in my head. Vegas showgirl probably wouldn't have panned out, Jesse Spano kind of ruined that one for me...she should have just stuck with Saved By The Bell, I sill looked up to her at that point. Showgirls, not her best move, but VH1 still plays it from time to time, so there's a small kick back I'm sure. Songwriter to the stars...I couldn't make that one happen either. Being able to play the instrument you are trying to sing to, some would call it a necessity, I'll throw that one into the logistics category. I guess part of the problem, is that not only do I have no idea how to go about bringing my dreams to fruition, I also have a small problem with uncertainty. I'm kind of all over the place, and I think I'm kind of okay with that. That I am certain of. Bravery is probably one quality I would need for sure, and maybe a little stupidity. Check and Check. I think it would also be wise to have an ounce of ill-regard for others. Let's face it, in doing what you want, you are probably going to be disappointing someone...so I'm thinking it would be more to my advantage if I could find it in me to just not care. Oh to be self-centered, and driven. Not to say that only successful people are self-centered, but yes, that's what I am saying. Is it such a bad thing? Narcissism is a quality we all posses, and rightfully so.
I am driven, but probably not in ways I should be. I'm driven to blog instead of studying, driven to drive to the mall to spend money I don't have, things of that nature. All the best authors have credit card debt. It's like a pre-requisite. In terms of actually moving forward with a career and life in general...ehh, it will happen when it happens. They say you need passion to do what you love, and passion I have. But honestly, if passion were enough to make all your dreams come true, than I would have been well on my way quite some time ago. My passion for writing started at an early age thanks to my mom's ability to get under my skin, and my mellow-dramatic tendencies. Reading my journals quickly became a favorite past time at sleepovers, as most of my entries started out a little something like this...
Dear Journal,
Today was the closest to worst day of my life...# 7! My journal's became such a hot commodity, that people actually stole them. The one's I still have are probably collector's items at this point. I write a lot, but to say that it is something I could make a career out of...this I am not sure of. I basically write what I know. My life. I'm not this clever storyteller, I can't come up with catchy character names. Sarcasm is my number one tool, and that is all I go on. Life cannot be taken seriously, and my life is far from it. I feel as though my venture through this life would also be much more productive if I didn't find in interest in everything I do. Isn't that why they call them hobbies? No No, I believe that they should all somehow be made into one, cohesive career. And don't even get me started on that dream of 'happily ever after', because I am fading fast on that one. For now my happily ever after is my comfy bed, my room to myself, candles late at night, and Dave Barnes on repeat . I hate to be a broken record, but I am still comfortably bitter, and finding things that I still don't understand about the opposite sex.
So in terms of a dream...I'd like to find out how to first remember what the heck I did dream about last night. I know it had to have been good, because I woke up smiling, only to think..."Wait, where was I?" We're doing good if I can remember if it was happy or scary. The smile is not a sure indicator. It could have either been a nice dream that warranted a nice smile, or I am just reflecting on how ridiculous I am. Most wake up instantly when they have that 'I'm falling' feeling, or something startles them to wake up...not me. I may wake up, and then try and reason whether I am in fact really falling. A recent development: I've mastered the art of pulling muscles in my sleep. Two weeks in a row now. It's a talent even I didn't know I had, and not one I'm sure I would like to keep exploring. Secondly, I think there should be a support group for all the in-between. Hint: If you're confused, I'm referring to myself here. In-between doing what I am going to do, and doing what I want to do. Practicality is by far overrated, and this I am positively sure of. I have been pursuing a degree that I describe as..."it will be a great job when I have children...". Fact: I've been single for five plus years now, children are not in my near future...there not even in any realm directly or indirectly related to me at this point. To all you five to seven year olds out there...when your teacher asks you what you want to be when you grow up, pick something good! And it would be best and less costly to your parents when you are in college if you would just stick with that. Because let's face it, though at five, rockstar sounds a little extravagant, at twenty-three, it's totally looking like a good life plan. Rock On.