And It Went A Little Something Like This...Questions I'll Die Trying To Answer.chapter three.

Helping Yourself To Self-Help...And Everything Else You've Never Wanted To Admit To





So I traveled home the other day, as I often do when my fridge is empty and the Diet Coke's are gone. Upon walking into the office where my mom was diligently updating her facebook status, she presented me with this question:
"Do you think I screwed you up?"
My first initial thought...uh oh, what did I last blog about? Let's be honest, I don't hold back too much when it comes to blogging, because I think my three readers can handle the truth.
Hmmm. I guess I've never really thought about it. Don't get me wrong, I do like to analyze. My life, my decisions...breakfast. However, whether or not the world thinks I am normal is not something that crosses my mind often. I like questions, but what does that mean? Either A. My mom full heartily believes I am in fact screwed up, and unaware of such a fact. Hence, the question. Her inquiry: sort of a test of my knowledge about my level of crazy. Or B. Someone has planted a seed in my mom's brain, and she isn't sure of the answer either. When all else fails, seek a second opinion. Right? I will agree that I am slightly dramatic at times, it is true. Really, I attribute this to my extreme sense of all that is emotional. I am, always have been, and always will be super open about what I am feeling at any given time. If I didn't learn anything else in kindergarten, sharing is one thing I picked up. I am flawed, and notably so. This is probably why on a Saturday night, you can usually find me at Barnes & Noble, perusing it up in the Self-Help section. I'm unsure of what this says about me, but when faced with a challenge, press on! I think if I ever decide to write a self-help book, I will title it 'Don't Judge A Book By It's Cover...Go For One With Fun Colors'. I'm sure I don't actually have half the problems I read about, but good covers usually make for a good read. No harm,no foul. I mean who really has the time to first wander through the isles of self-help books, pick one, and then take the time to read the insert to really decide if it will fix all of your problems. We are curious people, but it is a little embarrassing. No one really wants to be seen in the Self- Help section, so instead you linger at the end of the isle. Curiously looking, all the while still very aware of the nice old woman two isles over looking at cookbooks. When someone wanders onto your radar, you quickly dash into the next closest isle. Beware though, sometimes this too can be tricky. Especially when the isle next to the Self-Help section is conveniently labeled Sex & Relationships. If you've never frequented this isle, you will be met with a slew of covers with very suggestive titles, and lots of scantly clad models. Which is more awkward? I mean, that my friends is a decision you are going to have to make on your own. I'll tell you what is awkward...my mom yelling "Huh...what is this rabbit thing all these books talk about!?".....Me: "A vibrator Mom!" I've never heard my mother laugh so hard, and I can accurately guess that neither has most of Barnes & Noble. So while I was trying to escape the embarrassment, from two isles over, her delayed reaction rang loudly. "Wait! How do you know about the rabbit!?" To the nice man sitting on the floor reading origami books...yes, she is talking to me. No need to worry Mom, one afternoon of any of the prestigious documentaries such as The Kardashians on E!, and you can bet it will be mentioned. I am still innocent as you remember.
While drifting through the countless rows of books Saturday night, I came across a few interesting titles. And just so we're clear...these were found in various sections, not in the previously mentioned.

For starters, "The Secret"? More the like 'The Secret I Couldn't Keep'. It's really not much of a secret when you are in Oprah's Book Club, on New York #1 Bestsellers List, and basically everywhere you look. I'm just saying.

And this one: "Should I Do What I Love, Or Do What I'm Doing (just to do what I love on the side)"...haha. I mean I think it's typical etiquette to first ask when using someone as your muse, but muse is one job title I will gladly accept, even if not properly asked. I don't mind. It's pretty obvious that whoever wrote this book clearly had me in mind. I'm sure if you go to the dedications page, there would be a beautifully scripted dedication, something to the effect of: 'Dearest Amber, Thank you for not having a clear direction or purpose in your life, for aimlessly wandering through college while you try and figure it out...this book is for you.' I'm jealous that I didn't think of it first. You could all be referring to this little blog and saying..."I knew her when she was just starting out...who knew."

I liked this one too,
"Young Women Searching for Love and Sex, and Failing At Both"
Really? Last I checked they came hand in hand. Perhaps if women would find love first and then opt for the sex, they'd have better success rates. Should you choose to forgo the love as a first step, I would recommend a stop by the Self-Help section on the way to your date. Then when you do fail miserably as this book predicts, you are readily prepared to nurse your ailing ego back to health. If that doesn't work out for you, serial one-night stands should not be your next option, despite the suggestions of your better male halves.

And this was fun as well,
"Soulmate: Master The Art of Aloneness & Transform Your Life"
I didn't actually take the time to open this book, but I think it must have gone a little something like this...
Rule # 1: When shopping, channel your inner "lost boy" and fashion all outfits after Ferris Bueller.
Rule # 2: If you think it sounds crazy, it probably is...but boys LOVE this!
Rule # 3: Clingy is the new Cool.
Rule # 4: When spending the night, take his favorite pillow and sleep on his side of the bed. When he says he hates this,he's using reverse psychology.
Rule #5: When he says he is willing to wait until you are ready, he is telling the truth! True Love Forever!
Rule #6: He absolutely loves the five minute play-by-play of your day you've been texting since you woke up this morning.
Rule #7: He feels warm and fuzzy inside when you change his ring tone for you to "Endless Love", without telling him.
Rule #8: When he is having his guys night in, he loves when you break out the fully planned wedding notebook to discuss colors. It doesn't matter that he hasn't even proposed...it's going to happen soon, your intuition is totally on point.
Rule #9: Being alone is a state of mind. Feel the humility, see the humility...you are the humility.
Rule #10: Social activities will throw off your inner core, so you should just avoid being social at all costs.

And finally,
"You Can Heal Your Life: Gift Addition"
Yes, its true. As if buying this book for yourself wasn't gift enough, you can give it to a friend too! Nothing says Happy Birthday, like a gift that says "You have issues".

From what I gather, the Self-Help market is an easy one to break into. Clever Title, Pretty Cover, Lost Consumer...and you've got yourself a #1 seller! Bottom line ladies and gentlemen, you have all of the tools to pointlessly medicate your emotional needs on your own. Logic being the most prescribed.