Stripped.

That's what it honestly feels like. Stripped of sleep.  A relaxing weekend with my family.  All peace of mind.
 Vulnerable and oddly sensitive I've gone through every emotion imaginable this week.  Truth be told, I'm having a really hard time.  I can't help but wonder why God thinks we are strong enough to go through all of this a second time.  I can't help but feel defeated, and frustrated.  I can't help but feel this second diagnosis takes away from 'the perfect match' that my stem cells were supposed to be.  I'm weakly questioning everything I know and believe.  I know this is a test of my faith, but I'll tell you, going through this so blindly is a test of every ounce of my being.  I know the relationship I have with God, (a strong one I feel), but even that isnt answering all that I have questions for right now.  And what does that say?!  A whole different can of worms.
     There are no definitive answers, which means there is no comfort.  Just a need to lean on all that I believe is right in my heart.  I pray that I've made known what Ashley does for my life and everyone she comes into contact with.  I'm not worried about her ability to beat this cancer, because she's done that, and that she will do again.  I pray that I can be some version of strength for her,when it gets hard. She is far stronger than this cancer could ever be, and she proved that within the first hour of her diagnosis the first time.  She is stronger than my whole family combined.  Stronger than I'll ever be, in every sense of the word. 
  So here is what I have so far:
  Someone out there hasnt heard Ashley's story, someone that really needs it.  Although to most she is beautifully shy, she is infact the funniest person you will ever meet, and not so shy!  She often laughs at her own jokes...much before anyone else.  And I love her for it.  She can laugh at life, and find pleasure in the little things.  (Probably the only person who after a month of being sick in the hospital post stem cell transplant, and a virtual inability to eat could say: " I'm so skinny!  Ehh, this month hasnt been sooo bad!").  Perhaps God is needing to give us fresh perspective for something we've missed, and if that is the case, I'm ready and open to learn.  A new perspective for the amazing nurse and mentor she is going to become. 
     If not perspective, then this will just round 2010 out as the worst year of my life...and for those of you that know all the circumstances aside from cancer that have surrounded my family this year, you can understand.  This is fine...BECAUSE STARTING 2011 AND BASICALLY THE REST OF OUR LIVES OUT WITH A HEALTHY SISTER, WHO IS LEUKEMIA FREE...IS BLESSING ENOUGH FOR ME!  I LOVE YOU ASH, AND YOU'VE GOT THIS!

Much Love,
a