LeAd Me To ThE cRoSs...

So now that school has started, so have my sorority meetings!  I am in a christian sorority...and God tests me every semester that we come back!  Each semester I am challenged with the task of making new connections with new girls!  All my friends go inactive over summer due to busy school schedule's and work...I know this is not the reason I am in this sorority.  I joined initially to strengthen my relationship with him, and yet I find myself stressing about all the wrong things.  I have grown amazingly because of this organization, spiritually and mentally.  My family is not overly religious, so I never really had that growing up.  Yes, we went to church, but we didn't really talk about anything other than the hour we spent in our weekly services.  And that is when we went...it was never a regular thing.  I have a huge issue listening to God.  So often I feel like he is pushing me in directions I am not equipped to go in.  "I hear you God, but what I think you want me to do is this instead...."  I cannot differentiate between what I feel like I should lift up to him, and what I think I know is best for me.  I can't let go.  I let what other people think dictate a lot of what I do!  I hate that about myself so much!  I don't know where it comes from.  I am incredibly independent and I have a severe weakness in that aspect of self-judgement.  I genuinely analyze how my actions may affect other people in my life.  I don't ask opinions of my friends anymore in most cases, because if I hear a negative suggestion about something I am really positive about....I cant get it out of my head.  I will be totally compassionate about something...as soon as I hear something even remotely negative..it consumes my interpretation of what I am thinking.  I shame myself into what I think I should be doing in my life.  It is so weak.  I over analyze and lie to myself.  I know God is relentless and he continually brings me back to these issues, but I still cant seem to let go.  I pray constantly that soon I will be ready to admit defeat and let go of whatever is causing me to hold on to what I know is not my path.  It's in incredibly scary thing...not knowing how things will end up...where they are going...

"Certain thoughts are prayers.  There are moments when, whatever be the attitude of the body, the soul is on its knees".~ Victor Hugo