And It Went A Little Something Like This...Questions I'll Die Trying To Answer.chapter three.

Helping Yourself To Self-Help...And Everything Else You've Never Wanted To Admit To





So I traveled home the other day, as I often do when my fridge is empty and the Diet Coke's are gone. Upon walking into the office where my mom was diligently updating her facebook status, she presented me with this question:
"Do you think I screwed you up?"
My first initial thought...uh oh, what did I last blog about? Let's be honest, I don't hold back too much when it comes to blogging, because I think my three readers can handle the truth.
Hmmm. I guess I've never really thought about it. Don't get me wrong, I do like to analyze. My life, my decisions...breakfast. However, whether or not the world thinks I am normal is not something that crosses my mind often. I like questions, but what does that mean? Either A. My mom full heartily believes I am in fact screwed up, and unaware of such a fact. Hence, the question. Her inquiry: sort of a test of my knowledge about my level of crazy. Or B. Someone has planted a seed in my mom's brain, and she isn't sure of the answer either. When all else fails, seek a second opinion. Right? I will agree that I am slightly dramatic at times, it is true. Really, I attribute this to my extreme sense of all that is emotional. I am, always have been, and always will be super open about what I am feeling at any given time. If I didn't learn anything else in kindergarten, sharing is one thing I picked up. I am flawed, and notably so. This is probably why on a Saturday night, you can usually find me at Barnes & Noble, perusing it up in the Self-Help section. I'm unsure of what this says about me, but when faced with a challenge, press on! I think if I ever decide to write a self-help book, I will title it 'Don't Judge A Book By It's Cover...Go For One With Fun Colors'. I'm sure I don't actually have half the problems I read about, but good covers usually make for a good read. No harm,no foul. I mean who really has the time to first wander through the isles of self-help books, pick one, and then take the time to read the insert to really decide if it will fix all of your problems. We are curious people, but it is a little embarrassing. No one really wants to be seen in the Self- Help section, so instead you linger at the end of the isle. Curiously looking, all the while still very aware of the nice old woman two isles over looking at cookbooks. When someone wanders onto your radar, you quickly dash into the next closest isle. Beware though, sometimes this too can be tricky. Especially when the isle next to the Self-Help section is conveniently labeled Sex & Relationships. If you've never frequented this isle, you will be met with a slew of covers with very suggestive titles, and lots of scantly clad models. Which is more awkward? I mean, that my friends is a decision you are going to have to make on your own. I'll tell you what is awkward...my mom yelling "Huh...what is this rabbit thing all these books talk about!?".....Me: "A vibrator Mom!" I've never heard my mother laugh so hard, and I can accurately guess that neither has most of Barnes & Noble. So while I was trying to escape the embarrassment, from two isles over, her delayed reaction rang loudly. "Wait! How do you know about the rabbit!?" To the nice man sitting on the floor reading origami books...yes, she is talking to me. No need to worry Mom, one afternoon of any of the prestigious documentaries such as The Kardashians on E!, and you can bet it will be mentioned. I am still innocent as you remember.
While drifting through the countless rows of books Saturday night, I came across a few interesting titles. And just so we're clear...these were found in various sections, not in the previously mentioned.

For starters, "The Secret"? More the like 'The Secret I Couldn't Keep'. It's really not much of a secret when you are in Oprah's Book Club, on New York #1 Bestsellers List, and basically everywhere you look. I'm just saying.

And this one: "Should I Do What I Love, Or Do What I'm Doing (just to do what I love on the side)"...haha. I mean I think it's typical etiquette to first ask when using someone as your muse, but muse is one job title I will gladly accept, even if not properly asked. I don't mind. It's pretty obvious that whoever wrote this book clearly had me in mind. I'm sure if you go to the dedications page, there would be a beautifully scripted dedication, something to the effect of: 'Dearest Amber, Thank you for not having a clear direction or purpose in your life, for aimlessly wandering through college while you try and figure it out...this book is for you.' I'm jealous that I didn't think of it first. You could all be referring to this little blog and saying..."I knew her when she was just starting out...who knew."

I liked this one too,
"Young Women Searching for Love and Sex, and Failing At Both"
Really? Last I checked they came hand in hand. Perhaps if women would find love first and then opt for the sex, they'd have better success rates. Should you choose to forgo the love as a first step, I would recommend a stop by the Self-Help section on the way to your date. Then when you do fail miserably as this book predicts, you are readily prepared to nurse your ailing ego back to health. If that doesn't work out for you, serial one-night stands should not be your next option, despite the suggestions of your better male halves.

And this was fun as well,
"Soulmate: Master The Art of Aloneness & Transform Your Life"
I didn't actually take the time to open this book, but I think it must have gone a little something like this...
Rule # 1: When shopping, channel your inner "lost boy" and fashion all outfits after Ferris Bueller.
Rule # 2: If you think it sounds crazy, it probably is...but boys LOVE this!
Rule # 3: Clingy is the new Cool.
Rule # 4: When spending the night, take his favorite pillow and sleep on his side of the bed. When he says he hates this,he's using reverse psychology.
Rule #5: When he says he is willing to wait until you are ready, he is telling the truth! True Love Forever!
Rule #6: He absolutely loves the five minute play-by-play of your day you've been texting since you woke up this morning.
Rule #7: He feels warm and fuzzy inside when you change his ring tone for you to "Endless Love", without telling him.
Rule #8: When he is having his guys night in, he loves when you break out the fully planned wedding notebook to discuss colors. It doesn't matter that he hasn't even proposed...it's going to happen soon, your intuition is totally on point.
Rule #9: Being alone is a state of mind. Feel the humility, see the humility...you are the humility.
Rule #10: Social activities will throw off your inner core, so you should just avoid being social at all costs.

And finally,
"You Can Heal Your Life: Gift Addition"
Yes, its true. As if buying this book for yourself wasn't gift enough, you can give it to a friend too! Nothing says Happy Birthday, like a gift that says "You have issues".

From what I gather, the Self-Help market is an easy one to break into. Clever Title, Pretty Cover, Lost Consumer...and you've got yourself a #1 seller! Bottom line ladies and gentlemen, you have all of the tools to pointlessly medicate your emotional needs on your own. Logic being the most prescribed.

And It Went A Little Something Like This...Questions I'll Die Trying To Answer.chapter two.

Desperation...A Recession Friendly Approach To Dating

I blame my mom. That and my inability to enjoy down-time for more than two hours. I don't know how to relax. I don't work for the money, I just need to be busy. And this my friends is why I am single. It's not that I don't want a companion, I just can't have one. The needy type is a hard one for me to grasp. I'm still trying to find that nice balance of, 'I want to see you, but not smother you' type.
While all the other girls were going out on their first dates, my mom was telling me, "You are young, have fun! You don't need a boy." A notion, I apparently feel the need to apply forever. I'll be forty and googling bridesmaids on classmates.com, for a civil ceremony where I'll be wearing a white business suit, because frankly, at that age, you don't bother with lavish wedding details. I'll be fairly secure in my career, whatever I decide it to be. And while the judge is asking "Do you take this man...", I'll be reciting "You don't need a boy" over and over in my head. A sentiment that at forty...I might just have to agree to disagree with. Dang Women's Movement. What happened to having babies, and baking cookies? Kidding of course, but being independent is not all that it is cracked up to be. I mean sure, you are powerful, self-sufficient, and a force to be reckoned with...yeah, yeah, yeah. What they fail to mention to our young impressionable minds is that this list is accompanied by yet another list: lonely, jealous, and broke. I get it, the latter doesn't sound as appealing to the every day consumer, and had I heard that list, I might have opted for babies and cookies like many of my friends. I know, I'm stereotyping. You can have babies, and cookies, and a career, but at 23? What sense is there in that? It's like signing up for a pension plan when you are thirty. I'm not being judgemental here, just bitter, really. My mom had me when she was a mere twenty, and I wouldn't have it any other way! All my friends think she is hot, and I get to borrow/steal her clothes all the time, and most think she is my sister! Not to mention the fact that she is pretty "hip" as she would say, and probably my best friend. Had she been thirty when she had me...we'd probably hate each other. Again, kidding. I actually love that all of my friends are having babies. I can play with them, live vicariously through their lovely lives, and then return home to my queen size bed, and pillow appropriately named boyfriend.
Secondly, being single is not cheap. Oh let me count the ways:
For starters, social activities alone are enough to warrant a second job. One of which I have, and yet my bank account is continually depleting. My good friends MasterCard and Visa will all back me up on this I am sure. At least the 'takens' can trade off paying. And if your not lucky enough to have a significant other who shares this same view, I can guess that you guys break even in other ways. Yep, I said it. I know what you're saying. Why go out so much? Typical. And unless you are sending potentials to my house to cook me dinner...no more questions!
Here's another one I ran into at last night's dinner. End of the meal, nicely waiting for the check. A large group of about eight or nine. Even number of guys and girls, and although some were couples, it wasn't overtly obvious to our waiter, or so I thought. "So how do we want to do the checks tonight?" We all asked for split checks, and yet when he got to my friend and I..."By yourselves, alone,separate,single...?" I kid you not. There was a list of adjectives to which he used to describe our current situations. I laughed, and then I cried, as my date for the evening, Discover, picked up the tab. So this is why I've come to my latest conclusions on dating. Being desperate is a route some girls take because it is just more cost effective. And if you're being truly honest with yourselves, most girls are just shallow. More so than they will ever let on. Own it. Desperate Times Call For Desperate Measures! No pun intended. In today's uncertain economic times, I guarantee that a girl will shamelessly take you up on a date, if it means she will still be able to afford that Coach purse at the end of the week. Heck, maybe you'll even buy it for her.
Now some girls would opt for a sugar daddy, and yes, they do actually exist! How do I know you ask? I had someone ask if they could be mine on myspace once, apparently they recruit these days. I declined, I mean seriously? When I told the creeper that although I am sure their are girls out there that would happily take him up on his offer, I was not one of them. To which he replied, "Thank you so much! What a compliment!" Really? No sir, actually, I just told you I think you are disgusting, and that I'm not an easy, financially irresponsible twenty-something. Apparently my extreme sarcasm doesn't come through in myspace messages. But to each his own. Financially irresponsible? Maybe, but classy girls do not have sugar daddy's. And, classy I am.
While we are on the topic of such networking websites, let's touch a little on Internet dating shall we? When my facebook profile says that I am just looking for friends...crazy, but yes, I am actually just looking for friends. And not the type that lurk outside my windows at night, thank you. To stalk someone on facebook, twitter, myspace, what have you... and then try to fake like you casually keep running into them in public. SCARY! Quick side note: if you've never met me, and you then ask me where I live and the exact address...you don't come off as interested...some might think that falls more along the lines of crazy! Mkay? I'm definitely not saying that you can't date someone you meet on facebook, or e-harmony, people do it all the time, I'm aware. In fact, I may have had an e-harmony profile at one time, for research purposes of course. 'Review Your Matches For Free'...yeah right! What that actually means, is fill out our ridiculous ten page questionnaire, and then we will link you to Trevor, Dan, and Jason. Ironically enough, they all have the same question mark for their picture, and as far as "reviewing" their profile...name, location, occupation, religious views. Anything beyond that...$60 please. I mean I've had instant messages where I've learned more about a person than that! A/S/L? Covered, and for free! Really? Why am I paying you $60 to tell me that Trevor likes reading, nights in, and coffee in the morning? I don't think the E-harmony people appreciated my answer to question #5,452..."Which is the best way for your matches to get in contact with you?" My answer: a link to my free facebook page. And, I couldn't justify spending $60 to look at a bunch of question mark men, I can do that with clip- art. Not to mention the fact that I still havent convinced myself that meeting someone on E-Harmony is any less creepy than meeting someone random on Facebook. Call me a cynic, or old-fashioned, but I'm working on it. I guess I won't be one of their successful love matches anytime soon. I mean really, I could have this all wrong. According to the New York Times, online dating numbers are up! It's like SIMS for real life. "Jay would like to meet your avatar at the local nightclub....Accept?" Apparently online dating sites are attracting a more frugal crowd these days, so ladies if you are planning on meeting the provider of your future dreams...think again. What happened to casually introducing yourself to someone attractive in public? And why does it have to be a bar? Creepers just ruin it for everyone. You can't be a single girl and get asked out for coffee by a complete stranger anymore. Either they want to go for coffee, and then maybe let you go home...but possibly locking you in the basement is also on the table. And double dates? When has this actually ever worked out? Trying to coerce a fellow single friend into tagging along...virtually impossible. Where is the faith girls?! I wouldn't set you up with a complete loser! No, no, I like to keep those to myself.
I guess all we can do is hope that our faith in dating will soon be restored, and so will the flow to our bank accounts! If we're really lucky, maybe our faith in Mr. Obama will come around too! Until then, I will just have to opt for meaningless FB chat sessions, and expensive dinner's on me.

Port A, Oh How I Will Miss You!

Port A Party Weekend, is officially over, and it was officially a success! Much needed fun in the sun! Although, my SPF 55 failed me miserably!!! I think these are going to be my new catalog pictures for the permanent bikini sunburn I created during my weekend of fun!:) I mean, I'm going to say that I spent 95% of my time completely submerged in the ocean...and still, even with Aveno's Sunscreen guarantee....I get to wear my bikini...apparently all the time!:) Fun Times though! I forgot how much fun the beach is! I don't think I've been since I was thirteen or fourteen, and boy have I been missing out! I swam, treaded, and swallowed more salt water than probably recommended! The house we rented was huge, and could have slept the whole island, which was nice! Tons of room for us all to collapse, and we def. did after Saturday! The boys crashed as soon as we got back home! And the beach trip wouldn't have been complete without the boys getting the car stuck in the sand! They went to get food in the car...and came back with food...on foot. The reason: They stopped to talk to girls:) Haha, lesson learned!:) A nice man with a large truck pulled the car out! I'm pretty sure he was entertained by the whole thing, and probably not surprised:) All in all, a great great weekend! We even managed to discover a few things:)

*Boys do not find car dancing/singing to be as much fun as girls do. They will ask you nicely at first, and then they will just demand that you stop. If that doesn't work, the threats begin....:)
*On that same note, they don't stop for anything!
Arch leaving Whataburger: "Girls, we have 1/2 a tank of gas, and we aren't stopping till its gone. Everyone Good?"
In Unison: "Yep, we're all good!"
Me, 30 minutes later: "Are we out of gas yet?"
I drank a LG diet coke...I'm sorry!:) Lucky for me, Arch admitted later that he needed to stop too, but only after Christina and Kristen fell asleep:)
*No matter how hard you try, or sweep...there will still be sand. In your hair.on the floor.in the car. EVERYWHERE!
*You can cook the easiest thing in the world, and boys will think you are great cooks! haha
That's pretty much it! Working on chapter.two. Hopefully it will be up soon!
Much love,
xoxo a

And It Went A Little Something Like This...Questions I'll Die Trying To Answer.chapter one.

You Want My Number?

It is inevitable. You are attractive, witty, charming...and BAM! My mind goes straight there...could we date, what would we do, hmmm winter or spring wedding? I think yes. Why is it that our minds go to such an extreme. I mean let's be honest, you haven't even noticed me! I am that girl. You know the one. Starbuck's, corner table...I'm staring at you from behind my Carmel macchiato,laptop,oh, and don't forget the huge imaginary wall either. A brick of fear, insecurity, humiliation, throw in some self-doubt and you've got yourself one sturdy wall. As if there is any real relevance to the thoughts running through my head, you can be sure that I've already given you a once over. I'm not sure my family will be thrilled about your arm of tattoos, but I think they are fun so we'll just go with it for now. We'll probably go hiking, you look like the outdoorsy type. I went camping once, and I didn't hate it, so I think we will be fine. There are normal bathrooms right?... You have good hair too, taller than me, check. The barista will be done grinding your coffee beans soon, and we've made awkward eye contact two or three times now...so in case you forgot, this is the part where you want to ask for my number. I mean I know it is a 'new age', but seriously, what happened to chivalry? Yes, I could ask for yours, except that I'm pretty sure it would go a little something like this...
"So..." (long pause)"...original blend...""mmmm...good choice." (pause, nervous hair flip) "Do you drink a lot of coffee?"...."Yeah, me too"...(fidget, fidget, fidget)"You know, a lot of these tables have two chairs...which is good if you have a bag or something...(haha, awkward nervous laugh)..."Or a person I guess, I mean, I don't though..maybe we could drink coffee at the same time.....I mean together sometime...I mean if you wanted to or something...".sigh. And this is probably where the extreme embarrassment and self-ridicule would begin to set in. Not to mention the rejection. You know that saying, "You are your own worst enemy...". I think I've made it my personal vendetta to prove this saying true, and the awkward embarrassment, well I just throw that in there to guarantee a little laugh at myself later. While I entertain my time with thoughts of how my life will be with him, Hot Tattoo Boy has gotten his coffee, paid, and started backing his Tahoe out of the packed Starbuck's parking lot. What is so intriguing about complete and utter public humiliation? Granted, constantly sitting alone is kind of embarrassing in itself,but the rejection that is sure to follow my split second of confidence; definitely exceeds the gain. So, I'll just sit here and sip my coffee instead.
Alright, alright, I may be slightly dramatic, and I'm probably not that socially awkward, in fact, I know I'm not...but Hot Tattoo Boy may beg to differ. Perhaps it is that I am too picky. This is what my mother will tell you. I don't think having standards is being too picky. And by standards, I don't mean unattainable standards. I don't think it is asking too much to meet someone with life goals that go beyond the span of one weekend. And games were fun when I was twelve...not so much anymore. Scrabble, Scattegories, Clue...now, those are all games I play. Player, Cheater, All-Around Man Whore...not someone I want as my teammate in the game of life. I get it. I'm young, have fun. I get it. But why does that have to be at the expense of self-regard? If you like me, tell me you do! Don't answer my questions with a question! And if you honestly feel like I could be your girlfriend, talking to five other girls at the same time confuses me! Mixed signals are never a good thing, because in the end, we probably, totally would have dated. Call it crazy, but I'd like to think that I could make someone amazingly happy, and that someone could quite possibly think so too. Why waste my time with the probably not's, I want to meet Mr. Right, heck, even Mr. Maybe Could Be Right would be just fine! I'm no psychologist, and definitely in no place to give any ounce of advice to be held in high regard. However, I know what I want, and I want what I know. You'd be amazed at what you learn from watching other people. On that note, when did crazy become attractive? Seriously. I've had many people explain this to me because I totally don't get it! I mean really boys. You're telling me that even if a girl is totally crazy, and you recognize it...it's just something you look past? I don't get it. As a sane, completely normal girl, this is just not a revelation I understand. I have friends who I guess for the sake of dating someone, can overlook crazy tendencies. And is there no embarrassment factor for you boys? I will be the first to admit, that I care entirely too much about what others think, and that in part may be why I'm still single. But does dating someone who is just so unlike you, and slightly annoying..not make you a little self-conscious about what your friends REALLY think about her? Here's another one for pondering...why is it that when someone is completely un-available, they are suddenly so attractive! Perhaps it's the sudden realization that now, you really don't have a chance. Or maybe it's just the honest revelation that those feelings were there all along, and you never acted on it...but you should have. What is it about a slightly attractive guy that makes girls just act...and ask ridiculous questions? Things you would never think to question on a regular basis?
The scene: A casual, friendly, dinner date. At this point, you are more interested than him. He's totally oblivious to your feelings, as he is still putting out the friend vibe.
The Scenario: Dinner goes well. Conversation flows pretty well...work, weekends, family. All around nice time. He pays. But probably not because he's interested, just because he is a super nice guy. You end with a nice hug, and a "We should do this again..."
The Aftermath: Now, most would take this to be a possible future good friend. But you, wearing your blinding love goggles, suddenly begin to question every aspect of dinner! "What did he think about what I was wearing?" "Should I have not ordered a drink?"...yes, all silly questions. And yes, all things that cross a girl's mind. Dare I say we over analyze things?
I know what you are saying. Where is the confidence? And I will tell you first hand, that all that goes out the window just as soon as Mr. Right Now throws you a curve ball. You might call it "playing hard to get", but a girl with call it "loss of interest". As soon as that sets in, you can pretty much guess that your girl is second guessing everything about herself and you in the same equation.
I also don't understand this proverbial idea that because I'm twenty-three and single, I'm doomed for a life of solitude. Part of me is choosing to be single. I am not a complete loser, and I do get asked out on rare occasion. Call it shallow, but I want to be attracted to some aspect of you as a person if we are going to venture further than a drink and a date. I'm not just referring to looks here. I can't tell you how many times I've met someone on not necessarily been attracted physically. Personality really is a number one, and if you've got one, and a good one at that, I will become instantly smitten. Things do not have to be complicated. ever. Boy likes girl, boy tells girl, boy dates girl. End of story. All that other bs can be left out!:) Final word to the wise: baby talk is never attractive, unless you are talking to a baby. And even then...why would you want to be attractive to a baby?

Life's Little Annoyances...And The Moments That Snap You Back To A Happy Reality!

-I just paid my electric bill...like I think last week...and already, one is waiting for me in the mailbox today! Fall oh fall where are you? I'm over paying for air conditioning in this Tx heat..
-Do you ever think you bought something...and then when you go to use it, its not there...or anywhere for that matter? It throws you into a crazy mind maze of Did I buy it? Did I use it? Did I buy it and leave it at the store?! Case in point...the wonderfully green, nice, new yoga mat, I am POSITIVE I looked at yesterday at Target...I know for a fact it was in my cart at one point...and I even, (maybe foolishly now) can remember putting it in my car after I bought it. But today when I went to get it...not there...not anywhere. Which only leads me to believe that maybe I never in fact purchased it, which is sad, bc now I am lying on a hard wood floor for workout time. Ugh. Which also means this will be a very short workout.
-So, childish as it may be...there is still nothing more exciting than coming home to packages! Even if I know they are coming! I ordered some swimsuits online the other day...and when I got home today, my mailbox was stuffed full of them! Call it superficial, but I was excited! You know what makes that excitement disappear almost instantly? When they don't fit! Which is my experience almost all the time! Which is why I've also decided that I can no longer be a consumer online...
Other than that, life is great! Ash is home...which I think I already blogged about..but it's been so long. She is feeling great! Exciting! We are turning 23 on Saturday, and so excited to reunite with family and friends. I can't believe however, that 23 is the birthday I am about to celebrate! I always laugh at ppl that act like any birthday that falls in the 20's is "getting old" but now that I'm saying it...23 sounds so old! haha, go ahead...I'll pause for your laughter. I know I'm ridiculous, and I agree, but really its...just weird. I think in part to the fact that mentally, I feel pretty on board with 23...28, 30. But at the same time, there are days where I still can't believe I'm legally allowed to be called an adult, much less expected to act like one:)
-This week has been pretty good so far! I've spent the last two days babysitting a beautifully adorable two year old. She is too cute! She giggles all the time, climbs all over me just to snuggle, and I'm pretty sure she let me play with her hair for about an hour today:) Which is why I'm certain when I have children, a few of which I hope are girls, I am going to have to invest in a pretty extensive line of hair clips and bows...and maybe a salon chair with make-up studio lighting:) Just saying. A good two days! We spent the afternoon in the backyard pouring water on every dry surface:) Dixie cups and a water hose=hours of fun for a two.....and twenty two year old:) I could listen to those giggles all day long.
-Tomorrow is going to be a busy busy...probably 12-13 hour day at work, and I think I'm kind of excited about it. It's been awhile since I've been there, since I had my wisdom teeth out, and dare I say it...I kind of miss it.:)
-On the wisdom teeth front...all is sort of well. I somehow escaped the puffy cheeks and bruising. I don't know how. Call my oral surgeon a hero, a legend...I just called him attractive. Yep, that's right. I didn't feel the need to say "Thank you...any special instructions..." in my drugged up stupor...nope, just smiles and giggles, coupled with a few stumbles as he escorted me to the car. My teeth are still sore, but hopefully that will be done soon. I'm over the jello. the pudding. the mashed potatoes...although, I am totally penning an award winning recipe I've created in the past few days. Paula Dean would be happy...Jenny Craig, Weight Watchers....probably not:) That is all for now,
xo loves