In Case You Are Keeping Track.....

I will be celebrating my 22nd year of life in a mere 14 days! It's amazing and exciting! Sure, 22 is really just another birthday...a birthday that really doesn't have anything great to offer, like the prior one did. However, I get another year of this amazing life! It's funny to think how easily we take for granted what we have. Often I think about how different my life could have been. I almost didn't make it out of the hospital when I was born, spinal meningitis..who gets that! Thank God, I am fine. Not only have I made it to 22, I got a twin sister out of the deal. That too, is something I take for granted entirely too much! She is so amazing! It amazes me at just how difficult picking out a simple present for her is! I mean I shared a uterus with this girl for almost nine months! We live together...we do EvErYtHiNg together! I love her so much, and lately I've been feeling guilty about how little I actually feel like I know about her. In my defense, I am very opinionated about my likes and dislikes. Therefore, I voice a lot about my life to her. Ash(by the way, she hates that I call her this...her usual response to my calling her Ash is.."I don't know Amb.."haha...just a side note) is much more reserved about they way she feels and what she is thinking. I have an extremely liberal taste, but more conservative view. Does that even make sense?? She calls me a hippy all the time. I constantly put myself out there with regards to how I am feeling...in most cases:) Most of our birthday's we just pick out things we like, and pay for each other's items...Happy Birthday! This year I wanted to do something different...and actually keep it a secret until our actual birthday on the 8th....still no ideas! I just want her to understand how amazing she is to me.....and I know that she does sort of...I would be wrecked without her! Like seriously, I don't think a lot of people know and understand me exactly like she does.
So my birthday also brings up the harsh reality that my biological father has nothing to do with my life. My parents divorced when I was two years old. He kept in touch for awhile, and after my last visit with him at 12 years old...he pretty much cut off contact. I tried to pretend like I didn't care, because let's be honest, my step-father...who I really have always considered my father..is amazing! Is it weird that I'm 22 and still call him Daddy? Ive kind of always thought that Daddy is like the ultimate compliment...like yes, I am 22 and an adult..but I still WANT to call you Daddy. I still need your approval, I'm still your little girl. So I went nine years without any contact with him. I really carried a lot of anger about the whole situation at that time. It was hard. I so badly wanted to let it all go, give someone who actually cared about me..(my step-dad) my full attention. I write a lot. I started with journals, then moved into songs and poems. I would write so much, and so irregularly that I now just have a drawer full of things I've written. Papers, napkins...old journals. Anyway, I wrote a ton about the whole situation and looking back now...its just sad. I didn't talk to anyone about it, but it was a lot for a sixteen year old to deal with. I didn't know how to. Randomly, he called one day and surprisingly it felt good to talk to him. I was going to California that summer for my birthday, and for some reason I just felt like I needed to see him. I say it all the time..but God really has amazing ways of showing you things. In my head I thought I wanted to see him because I felt like I needed to. It was the most awkward visit ever! I felt like I was begging him to talk to me. I felt uncomfortable the whole time. I spent more time in conversation with my half-brother and sister, and step mother whom Ive met maybe two other times. I think I was so stuck on seeing him, because part of me felt like it was going to be the last time I would in my life. God really made me see how truly wonderful the man taking care of me is. It's like he was telling me, "why are you trying to go back...look at what is here, and wants to be here forever!" That was two years ago, and I haven't talked to him since. Ironically, I'm totally at peace with it all! And I'm okay with it. I think all of that writing was a pre-cursor to my finally seeing him two years ago. I went into that trip with the understanding that is was going to give me closure. The whole situation is sad in one sense, but at the same time, I don't know where he is coming from. I get that it has to be hard, and I'm sure he feels some sense of embarrassment about the fact that from the time I was twelve, I was the one trying to initiate the relationship. It never should have been my place, as a father he should have wanted to be there. I have an even stronger relationship with my step-dad after that trip. It really opened my eyes. We are in the process of doing an adult adoption and last name change. Most people don't understand the point, because yes, I will be getting married down the line...and yes my name will change again. Deep down though, I totally owe who I am to my step-father. He deserves all the credit in who I am today, and I want my last name to reflect that.

So yes, it has been a crazy 22 years, but at least its been 22. God has graced me with 22 years to figure it all out!

If you want to be happy, be.- Henry David Thoreau