Bad Week...Great Oppurtunity to Write!

I said I would share one day, and for lack of a better topic....a song! A product of my crappy last few weeks!

Restore Me

I don't want to feel this way
Stuck in this dark and scary place
Please tell me when I'll see your face
You give me reason to cry
And it's like I never knew the happiness that I used to

Hanging on and for what now? I am lost, I can't get out, please help me out...

Why do we do this, why does this happen?
When can my lonely go away?
I am a sinner, and I am begging
Lord for your mercy, to be saved by your grace
And I will kneel down now, humbly bow down
For you Lord to wrap me in your light
Please open my eyes now, as my heart cries out loud
Won't you guide me, and show me the way into your heart

I've let this drag take over me
And I can't quite figure out, just why this all had to come out
You are much stronger than me
You'll be my power so I can follow faithfully

Moving on, forward now, make clear to me, all that my empty heart can't see...

Why do we do this, why does this happen?
When can my lonely go away?
I am a sinner, and I am begging
Lord for your mercy, to be saved by your grace
And I will kneel down now, humbly bow down
For you Lord to wrap me in your light
Please open my eyes now, as my heart cries out loud
Won't you guide me, and show me the way into your heart

And you knew it would turn out this way
I am a child, I am your child, but I've strayed
Please help me find my way home
You are my Father, the only Father I have known

I'm hanging on for something now, but I'm still lost, I'm almost out, Lord lift me out...

Why do we do this, why does this happen?
When can my lonely go away?
I am a sinner, and I am begging
Lord for your mercy, to be saved by your grace
And I will kneel down now, humbly bow down
For you Lord to wrap me in your light
Please open my eyes now, as my heart cries out loud
Won't you guide me, and show me the way into your heart
Lord guide me, and show me, restore me
Until I am yours

A Love Lost, Before It Was Even Her Own...

I read a beautiful story today while I was getting my hair done, and I wanted to share...

"He was literally the boy next door. His name was Nello, a family name, and when I was angry, I used to call him "Jell-O" just to annoy him.. Home videos show us spending entire days in my parents' maroon shag-carpeted basement, playing a married couple. At 5, he was an ideal husband: tan, gorgeous, and submissive enough to be talked into almost anything. He let me decide where we'd live and the names of our children, played by a motley gang of My Little Ponies. He lived in the same row of townhouses on my suburban street, easy enough to find when I wanted someone to watch my new tap routine or to help me put my mom's lipstick on our Border collie.
Our parents became best friends and spent hours on the shared front stoop watching us play. Even then, I liked the way Nello doted on his baby sister, carrying her across the stretch of front yards like a soccer trophy. He was obviously the boy I'd one day marry-never mind the fact that he was the only boy I knew.
When I was 7, though, we moved to another town. Even if I couldn't walk over and swing open his screen door anymore, I continued to know in my heart that Nello would be the guy I'd end up with. I asked him to my first "bring a date" party in junior high, his skin still tan and his smile perfect, while I was battling acne and Brillo-pad hair. At the end of the night, he hugged me and said he had a good time.
Nello was my life raft, a promise of the secure future I'd one day have. With his athletic build and mascara commercial eyelashes, he also gave me instant cred. I brought a photo of us together to sleep away camp and lied to my whole bunk that he was my boyfriend, which garnered a chorus of jealous "ohhs." What did I care that none of the Camp Timber Ridge boys wanted to kiss me if I had better-albeit semi-imaginary-boyfriend back home?
By the time we moved out of our parents' houses and on to college in different states, we'd lost touch, other than the annual Christmas card and photo. I dated other boys, of course, sometimes for years, but I always knew none of them was ultimately the guy for me. Nello had graduated from college in New Jersey, gotten into Real Estate, and was still playing soccer. Knowing that my tomorrows were secure, thanks to a future marriage I'd secretly arranged for myself, made it OK to date guys who were horribly wrong for me.( The fact that Nello wasn't also counting on our impending nuptials was, to me, a technicality.) Unlike most of my friends, who went crazy with husband-hunting after college, I was happy to live abroad, to take new jobs in new cities, to not rush into my adult life because I knew I had the world's best partner waiting fr me in Grown-Up Town whenever I was ready.
When the real estate market tanked, Nello decided to pursue his dream of living in California. he and his sister would shared an apartment together in San Diego; on the cross-country drive to their new home, they visited the Grand Canyon and the red rocks of Sedona. The got jobs waiting tables. The last I heard, he was learning how to surf.
When I went home for the holidays that year, I noticed we didn't get the usual card from Nello's family. When I asked my mom about it, she told me we needed to talk. I expected some lame drama about a falling-out she'd had with his mother, bu instead she told me that Nello had died. He'd gone swimming in the ocean with a friend one night, and when the other guy couldn't find him, he assumed Nello had walked the few blocks back home. The next morning, after he didn't come home or show up for work, his sister called the police. His body wouldn't wash up for a couple of days. Since my mom said she didn't know how I'd handle the news, she 'd waited to tell me in person.
I'd known Nello longer than any man in my life besides my dad, but for the past few years I hadn't really known him. What I'd held onto was an idea of him and what he represented. He was a consolation that no matter how many guys were the kind of jerks who dumped you on Valentine's Day, there was at least one guy out there like Nello: single, handsome, reliable, kind.
In the local paper store, I picked through the sympathy cards. Nothing said anything close to what I was feeling. I stood in the aisle, my throat tight. I decided on a blank one with a wispy watercolor branch that I thought his mother, a painter, might like.
Over Christmas, my family and I watched home videos of Nello and me in the old neighborhood. After about 10 minutes, I was sobbing so loudly that my mom turned off the TV, then sat back down and put her arms around me. Of course I was crying for Nello, his lovely family, for how unfair his death was, and for how we'd all miss that sweet kid. But what I say aloud was that I was also crying for myself-a widow of sorts, adrift in this big scary world, no life raft in sight."

Now some might be thinking creepy, but I think this is so innocently beautiful! Can you imagine meeting someone that even at the age of five you find yourself completely and utterly enthralled with! A companionship you only hope to share with someone for the rest of your life!? That you could find comfort in your loneliness knowing that even if not with you, that he is happy somewhere else in the world?! I can only dream! Every girl should have a Nello! And God willing, mine will come to me at some point in this lifetime! I think it's so crazy to think like what if I have already met him? Wouldn't it be great if God could put a little sign above his head like, "AMBER! This one is for you!" That would be oh so nice. To me this story was far too sweet, and I am pretty sure I re-read it three times as I was getting my hair colored. Enjoy!

Hi Friends! So I have been absolutely crazy busy...with nothing important!:)Does that even make sense?! My stress has left for the time being, which feels amazing! I am just trying to stay on top of things and make the best of it all, as the semester is coming to an end! Finals are right around the corner, and I couldn't be more excited! Sadly, the idea of waking up at 6am to work 10 hours, 7 days a week is sounding quite appealing compared to school! I'm sure the fact that I will actually have money for once has something to do with that!:) So I have been writing a ton, and it feels amazing! I really had forgotten how much I truly love it! I get so much, and it's pretty awesome~ I will share some eventually, but it's all kind of still in the works. On another note, I seriously need to learn how to play my guitar, and STAT! In the midst of all this writing, I have decided that my songs would be a lot more fun for me if I had music to go along! I mean I can awkwardly hum tunes all day long, but really a loud guitar to drown out my voice would just be better for me. I'm not terrible, but def. not the singer/songwriter type....I'll just write:) Thanks. So, as I noted last week, I was house sitting in Austin, all in all, a good time! I made the easiest money ever, and I got my name out to a lot of potential clients...(haha, that sounds weird...and almost inappropriate) What do you call them?! It's not really a business per say.....although, I can totally see how people make living house sitting and what not~ And I might even start doing that on the side in part with my other jobs and school. It really is super easy, and fun! All these families have super cute kids too, which is really just a perk:)
-So at this point I am ninety-five percent sure that I am going to have next Friday off, and I am excited! I have to work on Wednesday all day, and then the morning of Thanksgiving, and then it is one and a half days of bliss! And I am going to need it! I will be working at the kennel, and we have 80 pets checking in, in the span of four hours! Crazy! I've been at the kennel for seven years now, so it really is all second nature, but still, that is just a crazy amount of people, dogs, and cats in our little office on the same day! I am so excited for a day off, that I have decided it will be my day-O-fun:) with friends who are home from school! I haven't really started planning too much, but it really is going to be a day of events!:)
-So how is this for crazy...I am going to see Twilight at midnight with friends! Lucky for me, I get to sort of sleep in in the morning before I get my hair did, and then it is off to work for the afternoon! It should be a pretty fun time, and if you could see my roots(which you can, from a mile away!)the hair appointment is much over do! Alright, loves, that is all for now!
xoxo a

To Live What Your Feeling, To Hate What You Feel...

So it had to happen at some point, but my happy high is slowly coming to an end I feel. This week has had me down a bit, and I am not welcoming it at all! I am feeling slightly overwhelmed with life. I can't help but wonder where I would be right now if I were not in school. I know God does not encourage envy, but right now more than ever, do I want to be at a different place in my life. I am so passionate about things, I am just not at a place to pursue! I hate that I feel like school is holding me back, because if I am truly honest with myself(which I rarely am), I know that even when I graduate...whenver that is....I am still not going to be doing what I love. I don't even know that I completely have a grasp on what "that" is, but I know I am not there, and I def. don't know if I am heading in that direction. I hate all of the standards that have been set up for me, and all the expectations that are dictating my life. I would be the happiest person in the world right now, if I only knew that what I am doing now, is in fact right for me. I am needing some new perspective on life, and I'm not sure where to turn to get it. I need you to show me that this is where I am supposed to be and what I am supposed to be doing. I know that we have to go through certain trials in order to understand and see the bigger pictures, but right now I am not in a place to interpret signs that I am heading in the right direction. I need you to show me that I have it right....
-Okay so I was clearly feeling a little sorry for myself the other day. I have been down but it's a new day, and a new start! I really hate when I let myself get down about such minimal things, because I really do have so much to be thankful for! I have been listening to this song like over and over againg, and I think it's amazing! Also, shout out to Amber, you might be my only reader, and I am totally okay with that! Your comments always make me feel amazing, and I love love hearing what you have to say! You are awesome!
Ingram Hill- Troubled Mercy

Mercy fights a little war again
Always the one that tried so hard, but she couldnt win
TO LIVE WHAT YOUR FEELING, TO HATE WHAT YOU FEEL
NO ONE SHOULD LIVE THIS WAY
That's all over, its all over now

You never thought that you could feel this
Forever lonely was a better way
Youll make this world to fall apart
But you're more than you thought you could be
I wont leave you troubled Mercy

Mercy tried to make things right again
But the dark is where she hides to cradle the sin
Hard to know what is real when you beg and you steal
But you dont want to be this way
That's all over, it's all over now

You never thought that you could feel this
Forever lonely was a better way
Youll make this world to fall apart
But you're more than you thought you could be
I wont leave you troubled Mercy

Your innocence is gone
You don't know where you lost it
Well somehow it all went wrong
But it wont last long

You never thought that you could feel this
Forever lonely was a better way
Youll make this world to fall apart
But you're more than you thought you could be
I wont leave you Mercy
I wont leave you Troubled Mercy

Georgia....

So Ash and I have decided to take a trip this summer! Our destination of choice is going to be Savannah, Georgia! I am so excited! I think it is so pretty, and although I have never been there, I think the trip is going to be amazing! So here is where you come in...I don't know where to go, where to stay, what to do?!?! I figured I would exercises this as an option for suggestions! Now not only is it beautiful there from what I've been told, but Paula Dean lives there! I lover her! She is so fun! I hear she has a restaurant there that is super good too, and we all know how I love eating out! So needless to say I think it will be amazing! We wanted to take an Amtrak Train for the trip, but who knew that was so expensive! So we have opted for flying, which really I think will be better in the end. We are playing with the idea of splurging and staying in this beautiful Bed and Breakfast at least one night while we are there!This trip should be exciting either way, but I'm thinking that staying in this beautiful room will make it that much sweeter!:) Who knows. It is very expensive, and in all reality we will not be staying in our room for the most part. We will be out on the town, I hope! So the other fun part is that we cant rent a car, which means we will have to rely on the trolley system in Savannah! Kind of exciting, we will see!

Who Knew...

So I have been housesitting in Austin this week, and I have been learning some valuable lessons:
1. I could not live by myself! I totally thought I was one of those people who would enjoy living on my own...far from the truth! It is so lonely, and well I do not enjoy lonely!
2. What is the point of the fridge of drinks in the garage?! "I want a Diet Coke, but the fridge in the house...a little too easy". Now maybe I have this all wrong, but why make the trip farther and more inconvenient? It's not like there isnt plenty of room in the fridge that is IN the house...just a thought.
3. I need a large dog and a cute neighborhood to walk around. I would be way skinnier if I had a cute neighborhood to walk in that didnt have a ton of crazy college driver's racing down it! And though I realize I could walk with a small dog, I think a large one will ward off more crazies than say a yorkie:)
4. On that note, St. Bernard's might be the laziest dogs ever!
5. Is it weird to want to offer babysitting services to every cute kids parents I see while walking through the cute neighborhood? I hope not....:/ I'm not shy about networking...haha
6. Always bring your own pillow when staying away from home. It must be written somewhere that guests are supposed to like fluffy, tall, thick pillows...not I! Give me the flat, squishy ones please!
7. DVR, I need it! Thought I missed Grey's, oh, but no worries, you can rewind! Way too much fun! And can we just talk about the cute grandpa for a second! Tear...well like thirty, because I'm pretty sure I was crying forever!
8. If you own karaoke microphones and a plethora of karaoking cd's...you should probably just have those out waiting for me! This will save me the trouble of stumbling onto them while looking for the remote. Not to mention the three days I have already been here with nothing to do. Thanks.
9. Note to self: Don't have a sloping driveway later in life. It's the hot ticket in town for scooter riders. Who cares if they dont live here, sloping driveways...free reign! (Cute kid two doors down, you and your super-man scooter, you are ok)
10. And finally, staying in Austin, while life revoloves around San Marcos...not great for the gas tank...but I will say, shopping...way more fun in Austin....also not great for the bank account!
More lessons to come I'm sure...
xoxo a

Love Is The Movement....So Why Can't We Show Some?♥

I am so saddened by all of the hate that everyone has been showing since the conclusion of the election. I genuinely feel like we have reverted back to a truly sad time in America's History! A time of hate and racism! If you didn't vote for Obama, it is okay to be sad, upset...whatever. However, the fact of the matter is, he is going to be our new president,and it is time to move on and support! I didn't vote for Obama, but I do genuinely believe that everything happens for a reason, God will provide, he always does. The hate I have seen on posts, facebook status', and myspace is overwhelming! From both sides! I do think Barack Obama is an amazing speaker, and he did make a good point...we are the UNITED States of America, and we need to start acting like it. November 4th was not just a day in history for African Americans, it was a day in history for us all. These feelings of hate and belittlement have no place in our lives and the direction that America needs to be heading in. I really am done speaking about political issues at this point, because I am so ready to move on. I've said my piece, and let's just be happy! Throw yourself into the word, and put your passion in that! You are going to get so much more out of it, and perhaps some new light! God is good, so let him do his work and show us!:)
xoxo a

FrOm ThE iNsIdE oUt...

So here it is....my favs for the week! I love these songs!

Love My Life..

Hey Loves! So it has been another great weekend here in Texas. It was Halloween, so that was great! Hannah was a hit! And, it has to be said...I really loved being Hannah! Maybe a little too much. At the time, putting on my Hannah wig two hours before my party didn't seem like a crazy idea, but looking back on the situation, I feel as though I may be a little embarrassed by the display of my costume quite so early. Oh well, what are you going to do! I have included a few pictures from this weekend, so you too can share in some Hannah fun! For the social events on Saturday, I played broom ball with my sorority. I was on the 'Made In the 80's Team'. Now not only was I actually made in the 80's, but I have an extreme love for sequins, so really this team was just really appropriate for me! I had a ton of fun! I went to play broom ball with every intent of kind of standing around, and not getting to physical with the game....that is not how it really worked out! Something crazy came over me, and I started running to get the ball! So much so, that I fell...HARD! It was not pretty, and really embarrassing, but everyone else fell..a lot, so I think my falling is therefore justified.
-So I have recently bought yet another journal. I seriously have about five going right now, bc I love them so much! I buy one, and then I go to the store and find another one that I think is prettier! Anyway, back to the relevance in this post...I have really been trying to get back into my writing more! I do a lot of self-reflection writing(ie this blog..my journal..), but I used write poems, songs...all kinds of stuff. Secretly, I desperately want to learn how to play my guitar, and writing songs would be a lot more interesting, and well meaningful if there were music to go along! Right?!?! Just a thought....
-I have two tests this week, and a project to get out of the way, and then I am going to be school free for yet another weekend~ My aunt is flying in from California, and I'm pretty excited about it! You know how you have that one relative who is just super fun, and you feel like they really should be closer to you in age bc they are so cool...that's my aunt! She is really funny, and well who doesn't love to laugh?!:)
-Today I bought the most beautiful Bible ever! I love it! I lost my other bible...how terrible is that?!?! Pretty terrible! I know! I feel really bad about it, but really I cant say what happened...bc I just don't know! I'm going to blame it on the fact that I had to have a two door car...intern making ppl not want to ride in it's cramped back seat. Because of this fact, my car is really just an excuse for a second bedroom....closet...trash can?! It's really bad! I'm pretty sure should the occasion ever arise, I can clothe a small family...in any season! I'm just saying!
Also in this great weekend, I FINALLY got to see HSM 3! For my sake, and my maturity level, I really wanted to think it was just okay. I mean I am 22, it's probably about time to start growing up...but I cant lie. BEST MOVIE EVER! TRUE STORY! I knew I was in trouble when the lights in the theatre turned down, and at the sound of the opening number I was instantly excited! And when did Zac Efron get so hot?!?! Musical theater..not usually my type...but WOW! Love it! So if you can put aside your ego, I highly recommend it!
-Election Day was today, and as most of you know now...Obama is our president! It's so crazy, and I think it was expected, but it is still crazy now that it is a reality. Not how I voted, but I'm holding faith in God, and that everything happens for a reason. I'm not saying that I agree with all of his beliefs, but perhaps a new perspective on our terrible situation can help. We as a country are in such a poor place right now, and the odds that it will be turned around in one term...not likely at all. God willing, he will shed light on how we turn this all around, and in four years we can get a great republican in there to make it all right! I'm all about perspective, and sometimes one we aren't really willing to see, can shed new and positive light. Bottom line, he is our president, and that is that.
-So that's about it for now. It's been yet another beautiful day, and I am continually thankful for all that I have! Love you all!
xo a