And It Went A Little Something Like This...Questions I'll Die Trying To Answer.chapter five.

Humble Humility:  The Kind Where Just A Little Is Enough

 

     Judging by my life's events, you would think that humility was a passion of mine. A passion it seems, but not one I am purposely seeking. Walking up stairs is a task I still haven't mastered, and all those times I went strutting through the grocery store, only to get back to my car with one earring...or something in my teeth. Humble Humility at it's best! We go through this life day by day, the best we can. Doing what we think is right, but never fully knowing if the decisions we are making are good...or good for the moment. Sometimes, it is all I can do to just decide something, just for the sake of making a decision and moving on. Getting dressed in the morning alone is a task. And for what? So all the cute guys at school who aren't noticing me can not notice me AND my well thought out outfit? I mean can you honestly remember what someone else was wearing just the day before? I am lucky if I can remember what I was wearing two hours ago. My only saving grace most days is my tendency to fall out of my daily outfits as I'm falling into bed for the night. It really is a great system. There is no tricky 'Is this clean?' head game in the morning, because it is always nicely piled right there on the floor. Don't worry, this is not going to be a chapter on how I get ready in the morning, moving on...now. The lessons we learn on a daily basis, are typically hard to understand and at times, even hard to acknowledge. However, it's something you take in stride. Something you should make reasons not to forget...because as I've learned, God will bend you in a way that is far more embarrassing, than if you had just been a little more self-aware in the first place. A way of humbly reminding you.  Case in point:  Not only am I the most un-coordinated you will find, but I also am becoming more increasingly aware of my tendency to love all that is un-cool. A self-proclaimed dork, and maybe just maybe...ready to own it.    All that being said, I look back and it's no wonder embarrassing things keep happening. It's embarrassing that I get dressed up to go grocery shopping. It's embarrassing that until now, I've cared so greatly about such minimal things. I'm going to say that 2009 has been a jam packed year of life lessons. I've done more living in my twenty-three years then most will ever have the chance to do. I've learned lessons that some are lucky to have not had the chance to learn. But I'm grateful. I've learned things some don't grasp until they are well past a time when those lessons might have been helpful, perhaps when it is too late...

Humbly humiliated? Yes. But, forever changed? I can only hope.

Humility has a humorous and sometimes cruel way of reminding us of all that we should remember in our daily encounters with others. A few I've found most recently...

1. That we arent as cool as we think we are.

2. There will always be someone more beautiful or handsome.

3. Someone always has it harder than we do.

4. Not having your Starbuck's in the morning is not a tragedy. Not having somewhere to sleep at night is.

5. You don't have to be in love to give love.

6. Life is so much easier when you don't beat yourself up for someone else's "idea" of the kind of person you are.

7. What your family thinks about the way you live your life...the best reference to go by.

8. Feeling good about the character you possess...so much better than feeling bad. So you should probably do things that make your character known to others in a positive way.

9. Nothing beats being happy.

10. It's much easier to let someone in, when the door isn't closed. But, if it must be closed, shut it lightly. Treat people kindly. Hopefully, when you do finally open the door, they are there, waiting with open arms.

11. Hard times are hard, but you're experience can make it softer for someone later on.

12. No matter what choices you make in life, good or bad...Good people will be there to dry your tears or give you congragulatory hugs. If you havent been shown this love before, be that love for someone else.

13. Good friends are hard to come by. If you find some, let them know what they mean to you and hope they feel the same.

14. Life Is Beautiful.

15. As a last resort, ice cream, comfy blankets, candles, and Sandra Bullock movies are still a popular remedy for a close to a hard day. You may go to sleep crying and with a stomach ache...but when you wake up, the sun will be shining once again.

Much Love,

a

Really Sir? Really?

So let's talk about my weekend...and GO!
Disclaimer: Mom, I already took care of it...and the Insurance...bc I know that is your next question, I have a plan for that too! So...I love you, and Sorry, and I love you?! xo (You should probably look at this picture and remember I'm your favorite before you call me mad):)

I got ANOTHER speeding ticket. Ugh. I mean, I don't even know if I can be mad. I only learn lessons the hard way, that is for sure! I will say, for all the lesson learning I am doing, it's about time for some fun lessons.
Like for example...
closing out my bank account and going to Las Vegas...a fun lesson to be learned.
serial dating, dream worthy date...on a night I should be doing papers...a fun lesson to be learned.
eating ice cream for breakfast....lunch...and dinner...a fun lesson to be learned.
Where I used to be charming and friendly, I find myself just bitter and annoyed with the officers pulling me over. First of all, can we remind ourselves of my 5'6 frame, and Miley Cyrus playing on the radio? Not exactly threatening, so if you could refrain from using your CB radio announcer here in this empty parking lot...I bet I'll still be able to hear you if you would just get out of your car and walk up to my window. Mkay Thanks.
Secondly, although I am sure you are a very nice man, you are about to kindly tell me I am going to be $200.00 more poor...so we can probably just skip this small talk...I don't think you really care to know 'what kind of line of work' I am in, and suddenly I am not in the mood for sharing. The Tx State window sticker is a good indicator...Occupation: 5 minutes ago...Student. Now that we've met: Really Poor Student.
So it seems my days of race car driving are over... Tonight I pretended my little two door cobalt was a Buick and I was a feeble 70 year old woman, all the way home. Slow lane, not so bad...and cruise control...my new 'life tool'.

Now, let's rewind back to Thursday night. Dinner with Donnie, Kane, and my two favorite Ashley's. Good times all around! Ended the evening @ Clayton's...before he went off for an Architecture presentation. A quiet drive home, and my good friend Amos Lee sang me to sleep. What would this world be without I-tunes? Sad, sad, sad.
Friday night I went to Homecoming at my high school. I haven't been back in a few years, and I'm going to say, for the first time I didn't wish I was still in high school!:) Success! haha. Adult life is finally more fun, minus the responsibility...but I can deal.
Saturday was Jessica's funeral. Obviously sad. It's so crazy to sit there and really realize she is not here anymore. I think for me, most of my pain comes for Elysia. I can only imagine what she is going through, and I can really sympathize because in February when Ash was diagnosed, it was a possibility that I could at some point go through the same thing. My world would be over. Ash is my everything. It's not something I could ever prepare for or understand. I think her parent's put it so perfectly to say that Jess is now free from a body that held her captive. She really can be so close to us all now, and she is free and able to live as she used to.
Saturday night was Breezy's Sweet 16. Crazy. She is my exact opposite, and anything girly...not even remotely exciting for her. So you can imagine her annoyance when two hours before her party, I asked her if she wanted me to pick out an outfit for her...and where I should set up my 'Sweet 16 Hair/Makeup' Station? haha, I lost. but she looked oh so cute dancing with her friends, and we had a good time for sure.

Much Love Always,
a

Lesson Of The Week: A Lesson For The Weak...

So I've been doing a lot of thinking this week, as I often do. There is a song I love entirely too much, and in it she sings..."I think I think too much...." yep, written for me for sure! However, on rare occasion, the sad music I always end up listening to and the candle lit room I write in does make for some good self-realizations. I will be the first to say that I analyze way too much, but I always learn something. And because I know you want to know...here is what I am thinking:
I'm finally realizing that the standstill I feel I am in is all brought on myself. No one is going to hand me what I am looking for, no one is going to point me in the direction that I am going to find it...except for myself. Happiness is something that has to be sought after, and if you don't have enough of it, its because you aren't pursuing it enough. They say you have to go after what you want whole heartily and passionately, and I do not. I don't mean this to be misconstrued as if I have this looming cloud over my head. I do pursue happiness, and I have it... but not to the extent I know that I could. I have such expectations for my life, that I think a lot of the time I am afraid to pursue them at all. I am weak and scared. And all too often, I let that be my excuse to seek the comfort in what I already know. Here's the deal though, I have nothing to lose, because right now, in terms of those dreams...I have nothing. I feel like for the past five years, I've been struggling to find out who I am. And until now, I don't think I really had a grasp on it. I push a lot in my life away completely, because it's safe, and I know what to expect. Unexpected is scary, but knowing every move I am going to make is finally getting repetitive. I am ready to be vulnerable to the bigger picture. I'm ready to quit pushing everything and everyone away and embrace all that I don't know! And there is a lot. If there is one thing I've claimed to know...it is that life is all too short! I am surrounded by amazing people that have had it hard lately. And even that is an understatement. I want to take what I have honestly learned from them and let that be reason enough to hold myself accountable to all I should be doing. I claim to be learning so much from them, and yet here I am sitting back, and letting this ONE life pass me by! It is short, but it can be sweet, and I am ready to make it so so sweet.

What Happened To The Days When Being Sick Meant "Princess For A Day"?

I am sick. Well yes, in more than once sense of the word, but today I am refering to being physically ill. I was going to originally spend this post talking about how my inevitable slide into adulthood was beginning, and then through all the sniffiling and work to breathe normally...I had an epihany. A stuck on the couch, six pillows, downcomforter kind of a revelation. I don't want to grow up. Can we talk about how there is nothing more miserable than being sick when you live alone? I will claim the feminist, independent woman card all day long, but when it comes down to it, when I am sick, I am hopelessly needy. I want to be taken care of! Chicken Soup? Yes, please, and if you could snuggle despite my homely appearance, contagious 'I don't know what I have' symptoms, and incredibly bad taste in outfit choice, that would be nice too. As if being sick weren't bad enough, my car broke down on the way home too. My lungs hate me, my car hates me...can a girl get a break?! What did I do? I cried. That's right. Car doors open, car hood up, front seat bawling. Nevermind that there were people all around. I didn't care.
"I just want to get into my bed...wah wah wah"...this probably deterred any possible help from the slew of people waiting at the bus stop in front of my car. The situation looked tragic I'm sure. What did this damsal in distress do you ask? What every damsal would do, I called my Dad. Prince Charming, not so available right now. He drove me home, and towed my car. Good day. I got home, dropped the heels, threw on a hoody and fell into bed. I went to the doctor later, all for her to tell me that the symptoms I was exhibiting were usually cured with sleep and lots of fluids. Really? $30 dollar co-pay for that? I'm going to med-school. Well, sleep? That's not happening this week, and my lungs would beg to differ, so some prescribed relief please. Perscribed she gave, relief...three days later, and I'm still waiting on that part. Ash wanted to bring me soup that evening, but all the way from Austin. And even I, in my compromised state, realized that was ridiculous. However, as soon as I hung up with her, I realized I was cold and thirsty. For five minutes I sat there thinking of how great the days were when I lived at home, and Mom came running with all that I needed. It wasnt until after those five minutes did I realize that wasnt going to happen, and was forced to get it myself. Dizzily stumbling through the hall to my kitchen, I decided growing up sucks. Not only was my Brita water filter empty, but five minutes after cozily settling back into my fort on the couch...burning up! Ugh. I'm hoping menopause is a thing of the past by the time I turn sixty. Then a Sonic commercial came on and convinced me an ice cream sundae was all the cure I needed. Hair sexily fountaining from the top of my head, my black yoga pants stuffed in a pair of Ugg boots, and my comfy hoody on, I treked outside, keys in hand. All to turn the corner to my driveway to remember, I didn't have a car. Defeated, I went back inside, fell into bed once again, shoes and all...and passed out for the night. At 7pm. Being sick when you are young has perks beyone belief. When you are an adult, its just sad.

And It Went A Little Something Like This...Questions I'll Die Trying To Answer.chapter four.

'I Have A Dream'...Now What?

Why are things always better in our dreams? If we are intelligent enough to piece together events in our sleep, that make us want to go back to sleep, even if just for five minutes. Than why is it so hard to make that happen in real life? As if finding out who that cloudy face was you were about to kiss, is going to change the course of your days events. It is pointless. Just like when you wake up one minute before your alarm clock goes off, and yet you still close your eyes for the now 44 seconds that are left in that moment. I mean yes, I can kiss a cloudy face in real life, and with 6th street a mere thirty minutes away, easily so. But what does it actually take? In my dreams, I am invincible. A force to be reckoned with, someone that someone wants to look up to. I am fearless and forward. I take what I want, and demand what I deserve. And in my dreams, I look like Natalie Portman and I might be 5'9, but those are minor details. I'm pretty sure my sister has it all figured out. The other night this is how she told us she was going to sleep...
Sister: "Alright guys, well I'm going to go think about what I want to dream about."
Me: "What does that even mean?"
Sister: "Oh yeah, well I haven't been having very exciting dreams lately, so now I just go lay in bed a little earlier and think about it first."
Me: "Does it work?"
Sister: "Every time".
Now I agree that it does sound like a pretty legit plan, but we first have to remember that all she is really having to think about, is whether or not she is marrying Brad Pitt or Jude Law. And between the secret love children and nanny cheating Jude is accustomed to these days, Brad is the obvious choice. Too much baggage is never a good thing, even if just in a dream. Now 'Dream Planning' as I will refer to it would be great if it somehow involved transpiring dreams into a reality as well. A well-versed optimist, and yet when it comes to the life that I want to lead, I'm a bit of a pessimist. Everything I've ever wanted to do in my life, I've told myself it isn't practical. And maybe it isn't, but jobs that real people have nonetheless. If it is a practical way of living for them, why can't it be a practical way of living for me? Again, most of which I am referring to didn't really grow up 'practically', more like privileged. But still, normal people can have these amazingly wonderful lives too... It happens. A wise professor once told me that it is dangerous to daydream because our reality can never live up to what we imagine in our dreams. But what if what we imagine in our dreams is better than anything we imagine doing in real life? I've had my fair share of crazy dreams, and in some cases it is probably best that they occur only in my head. Vegas showgirl probably wouldn't have panned out, Jesse Spano kind of ruined that one for me...she should have just stuck with Saved By The Bell, I sill looked up to her at that point. Showgirls, not her best move, but VH1 still plays it from time to time, so there's a small kick back I'm sure. Songwriter to the stars...I couldn't make that one happen either. Being able to play the instrument you are trying to sing to, some would call it a necessity, I'll throw that one into the logistics category. I guess part of the problem, is that not only do I have no idea how to go about bringing my dreams to fruition, I also have a small problem with uncertainty. I'm kind of all over the place, and I think I'm kind of okay with that. That I am certain of. Bravery is probably one quality I would need for sure, and maybe a little stupidity. Check and Check. I think it would also be wise to have an ounce of ill-regard for others. Let's face it, in doing what you want, you are probably going to be disappointing someone...so I'm thinking it would be more to my advantage if I could find it in me to just not care. Oh to be self-centered, and driven. Not to say that only successful people are self-centered, but yes, that's what I am saying. Is it such a bad thing? Narcissism is a quality we all posses, and rightfully so.
I am driven, but probably not in ways I should be. I'm driven to blog instead of studying, driven to drive to the mall to spend money I don't have, things of that nature. All the best authors have credit card debt. It's like a pre-requisite. In terms of actually moving forward with a career and life in general...ehh, it will happen when it happens. They say you need passion to do what you love, and passion I have. But honestly, if passion were enough to make all your dreams come true, than I would have been well on my way quite some time ago. My passion for writing started at an early age thanks to my mom's ability to get under my skin, and my mellow-dramatic tendencies. Reading my journals quickly became a favorite past time at sleepovers, as most of my entries started out a little something like this...
Dear Journal,
Today was the closest to worst day of my life...# 7! My journal's became such a hot commodity, that people actually stole them. The one's I still have are probably collector's items at this point. I write a lot, but to say that it is something I could make a career out of...this I am not sure of. I basically write what I know. My life. I'm not this clever storyteller, I can't come up with catchy character names. Sarcasm is my number one tool, and that is all I go on. Life cannot be taken seriously, and my life is far from it. I feel as though my venture through this life would also be much more productive if I didn't find in interest in everything I do. Isn't that why they call them hobbies? No No, I believe that they should all somehow be made into one, cohesive career. And don't even get me started on that dream of 'happily ever after', because I am fading fast on that one. For now my happily ever after is my comfy bed, my room to myself, candles late at night, and Dave Barnes on repeat . I hate to be a broken record, but I am still comfortably bitter, and finding things that I still don't understand about the opposite sex.
So in terms of a dream...I'd like to find out how to first remember what the heck I did dream about last night. I know it had to have been good, because I woke up smiling, only to think..."Wait, where was I?" We're doing good if I can remember if it was happy or scary. The smile is not a sure indicator. It could have either been a nice dream that warranted a nice smile, or I am just reflecting on how ridiculous I am. Most wake up instantly when they have that 'I'm falling' feeling, or something startles them to wake up...not me. I may wake up, and then try and reason whether I am in fact really falling. A recent development: I've mastered the art of pulling muscles in my sleep. Two weeks in a row now. It's a talent even I didn't know I had, and not one I'm sure I would like to keep exploring. Secondly, I think there should be a support group for all the in-between. Hint: If you're confused, I'm referring to myself here. In-between doing what I am going to do, and doing what I want to do. Practicality is by far overrated, and this I am positively sure of. I have been pursuing a degree that I describe as..."it will be a great job when I have children...". Fact: I've been single for five plus years now, children are not in my near future...there not even in any realm directly or indirectly related to me at this point. To all you five to seven year olds out there...when your teacher asks you what you want to be when you grow up, pick something good! And it would be best and less costly to your parents when you are in college if you would just stick with that. Because let's face it, though at five, rockstar sounds a little extravagant, at twenty-three, it's totally looking like a good life plan. Rock On.

And It Went A Little Something Like This...Questions I'll Die Trying To Answer.chapter three.

Helping Yourself To Self-Help...And Everything Else You've Never Wanted To Admit To





So I traveled home the other day, as I often do when my fridge is empty and the Diet Coke's are gone. Upon walking into the office where my mom was diligently updating her facebook status, she presented me with this question:
"Do you think I screwed you up?"
My first initial thought...uh oh, what did I last blog about? Let's be honest, I don't hold back too much when it comes to blogging, because I think my three readers can handle the truth.
Hmmm. I guess I've never really thought about it. Don't get me wrong, I do like to analyze. My life, my decisions...breakfast. However, whether or not the world thinks I am normal is not something that crosses my mind often. I like questions, but what does that mean? Either A. My mom full heartily believes I am in fact screwed up, and unaware of such a fact. Hence, the question. Her inquiry: sort of a test of my knowledge about my level of crazy. Or B. Someone has planted a seed in my mom's brain, and she isn't sure of the answer either. When all else fails, seek a second opinion. Right? I will agree that I am slightly dramatic at times, it is true. Really, I attribute this to my extreme sense of all that is emotional. I am, always have been, and always will be super open about what I am feeling at any given time. If I didn't learn anything else in kindergarten, sharing is one thing I picked up. I am flawed, and notably so. This is probably why on a Saturday night, you can usually find me at Barnes & Noble, perusing it up in the Self-Help section. I'm unsure of what this says about me, but when faced with a challenge, press on! I think if I ever decide to write a self-help book, I will title it 'Don't Judge A Book By It's Cover...Go For One With Fun Colors'. I'm sure I don't actually have half the problems I read about, but good covers usually make for a good read. No harm,no foul. I mean who really has the time to first wander through the isles of self-help books, pick one, and then take the time to read the insert to really decide if it will fix all of your problems. We are curious people, but it is a little embarrassing. No one really wants to be seen in the Self- Help section, so instead you linger at the end of the isle. Curiously looking, all the while still very aware of the nice old woman two isles over looking at cookbooks. When someone wanders onto your radar, you quickly dash into the next closest isle. Beware though, sometimes this too can be tricky. Especially when the isle next to the Self-Help section is conveniently labeled Sex & Relationships. If you've never frequented this isle, you will be met with a slew of covers with very suggestive titles, and lots of scantly clad models. Which is more awkward? I mean, that my friends is a decision you are going to have to make on your own. I'll tell you what is awkward...my mom yelling "Huh...what is this rabbit thing all these books talk about!?".....Me: "A vibrator Mom!" I've never heard my mother laugh so hard, and I can accurately guess that neither has most of Barnes & Noble. So while I was trying to escape the embarrassment, from two isles over, her delayed reaction rang loudly. "Wait! How do you know about the rabbit!?" To the nice man sitting on the floor reading origami books...yes, she is talking to me. No need to worry Mom, one afternoon of any of the prestigious documentaries such as The Kardashians on E!, and you can bet it will be mentioned. I am still innocent as you remember.
While drifting through the countless rows of books Saturday night, I came across a few interesting titles. And just so we're clear...these were found in various sections, not in the previously mentioned.

For starters, "The Secret"? More the like 'The Secret I Couldn't Keep'. It's really not much of a secret when you are in Oprah's Book Club, on New York #1 Bestsellers List, and basically everywhere you look. I'm just saying.

And this one: "Should I Do What I Love, Or Do What I'm Doing (just to do what I love on the side)"...haha. I mean I think it's typical etiquette to first ask when using someone as your muse, but muse is one job title I will gladly accept, even if not properly asked. I don't mind. It's pretty obvious that whoever wrote this book clearly had me in mind. I'm sure if you go to the dedications page, there would be a beautifully scripted dedication, something to the effect of: 'Dearest Amber, Thank you for not having a clear direction or purpose in your life, for aimlessly wandering through college while you try and figure it out...this book is for you.' I'm jealous that I didn't think of it first. You could all be referring to this little blog and saying..."I knew her when she was just starting out...who knew."

I liked this one too,
"Young Women Searching for Love and Sex, and Failing At Both"
Really? Last I checked they came hand in hand. Perhaps if women would find love first and then opt for the sex, they'd have better success rates. Should you choose to forgo the love as a first step, I would recommend a stop by the Self-Help section on the way to your date. Then when you do fail miserably as this book predicts, you are readily prepared to nurse your ailing ego back to health. If that doesn't work out for you, serial one-night stands should not be your next option, despite the suggestions of your better male halves.

And this was fun as well,
"Soulmate: Master The Art of Aloneness & Transform Your Life"
I didn't actually take the time to open this book, but I think it must have gone a little something like this...
Rule # 1: When shopping, channel your inner "lost boy" and fashion all outfits after Ferris Bueller.
Rule # 2: If you think it sounds crazy, it probably is...but boys LOVE this!
Rule # 3: Clingy is the new Cool.
Rule # 4: When spending the night, take his favorite pillow and sleep on his side of the bed. When he says he hates this,he's using reverse psychology.
Rule #5: When he says he is willing to wait until you are ready, he is telling the truth! True Love Forever!
Rule #6: He absolutely loves the five minute play-by-play of your day you've been texting since you woke up this morning.
Rule #7: He feels warm and fuzzy inside when you change his ring tone for you to "Endless Love", without telling him.
Rule #8: When he is having his guys night in, he loves when you break out the fully planned wedding notebook to discuss colors. It doesn't matter that he hasn't even proposed...it's going to happen soon, your intuition is totally on point.
Rule #9: Being alone is a state of mind. Feel the humility, see the humility...you are the humility.
Rule #10: Social activities will throw off your inner core, so you should just avoid being social at all costs.

And finally,
"You Can Heal Your Life: Gift Addition"
Yes, its true. As if buying this book for yourself wasn't gift enough, you can give it to a friend too! Nothing says Happy Birthday, like a gift that says "You have issues".

From what I gather, the Self-Help market is an easy one to break into. Clever Title, Pretty Cover, Lost Consumer...and you've got yourself a #1 seller! Bottom line ladies and gentlemen, you have all of the tools to pointlessly medicate your emotional needs on your own. Logic being the most prescribed.

And It Went A Little Something Like This...Questions I'll Die Trying To Answer.chapter two.

Desperation...A Recession Friendly Approach To Dating

I blame my mom. That and my inability to enjoy down-time for more than two hours. I don't know how to relax. I don't work for the money, I just need to be busy. And this my friends is why I am single. It's not that I don't want a companion, I just can't have one. The needy type is a hard one for me to grasp. I'm still trying to find that nice balance of, 'I want to see you, but not smother you' type.
While all the other girls were going out on their first dates, my mom was telling me, "You are young, have fun! You don't need a boy." A notion, I apparently feel the need to apply forever. I'll be forty and googling bridesmaids on classmates.com, for a civil ceremony where I'll be wearing a white business suit, because frankly, at that age, you don't bother with lavish wedding details. I'll be fairly secure in my career, whatever I decide it to be. And while the judge is asking "Do you take this man...", I'll be reciting "You don't need a boy" over and over in my head. A sentiment that at forty...I might just have to agree to disagree with. Dang Women's Movement. What happened to having babies, and baking cookies? Kidding of course, but being independent is not all that it is cracked up to be. I mean sure, you are powerful, self-sufficient, and a force to be reckoned with...yeah, yeah, yeah. What they fail to mention to our young impressionable minds is that this list is accompanied by yet another list: lonely, jealous, and broke. I get it, the latter doesn't sound as appealing to the every day consumer, and had I heard that list, I might have opted for babies and cookies like many of my friends. I know, I'm stereotyping. You can have babies, and cookies, and a career, but at 23? What sense is there in that? It's like signing up for a pension plan when you are thirty. I'm not being judgemental here, just bitter, really. My mom had me when she was a mere twenty, and I wouldn't have it any other way! All my friends think she is hot, and I get to borrow/steal her clothes all the time, and most think she is my sister! Not to mention the fact that she is pretty "hip" as she would say, and probably my best friend. Had she been thirty when she had me...we'd probably hate each other. Again, kidding. I actually love that all of my friends are having babies. I can play with them, live vicariously through their lovely lives, and then return home to my queen size bed, and pillow appropriately named boyfriend.
Secondly, being single is not cheap. Oh let me count the ways:
For starters, social activities alone are enough to warrant a second job. One of which I have, and yet my bank account is continually depleting. My good friends MasterCard and Visa will all back me up on this I am sure. At least the 'takens' can trade off paying. And if your not lucky enough to have a significant other who shares this same view, I can guess that you guys break even in other ways. Yep, I said it. I know what you're saying. Why go out so much? Typical. And unless you are sending potentials to my house to cook me dinner...no more questions!
Here's another one I ran into at last night's dinner. End of the meal, nicely waiting for the check. A large group of about eight or nine. Even number of guys and girls, and although some were couples, it wasn't overtly obvious to our waiter, or so I thought. "So how do we want to do the checks tonight?" We all asked for split checks, and yet when he got to my friend and I..."By yourselves, alone,separate,single...?" I kid you not. There was a list of adjectives to which he used to describe our current situations. I laughed, and then I cried, as my date for the evening, Discover, picked up the tab. So this is why I've come to my latest conclusions on dating. Being desperate is a route some girls take because it is just more cost effective. And if you're being truly honest with yourselves, most girls are just shallow. More so than they will ever let on. Own it. Desperate Times Call For Desperate Measures! No pun intended. In today's uncertain economic times, I guarantee that a girl will shamelessly take you up on a date, if it means she will still be able to afford that Coach purse at the end of the week. Heck, maybe you'll even buy it for her.
Now some girls would opt for a sugar daddy, and yes, they do actually exist! How do I know you ask? I had someone ask if they could be mine on myspace once, apparently they recruit these days. I declined, I mean seriously? When I told the creeper that although I am sure their are girls out there that would happily take him up on his offer, I was not one of them. To which he replied, "Thank you so much! What a compliment!" Really? No sir, actually, I just told you I think you are disgusting, and that I'm not an easy, financially irresponsible twenty-something. Apparently my extreme sarcasm doesn't come through in myspace messages. But to each his own. Financially irresponsible? Maybe, but classy girls do not have sugar daddy's. And, classy I am.
While we are on the topic of such networking websites, let's touch a little on Internet dating shall we? When my facebook profile says that I am just looking for friends...crazy, but yes, I am actually just looking for friends. And not the type that lurk outside my windows at night, thank you. To stalk someone on facebook, twitter, myspace, what have you... and then try to fake like you casually keep running into them in public. SCARY! Quick side note: if you've never met me, and you then ask me where I live and the exact address...you don't come off as interested...some might think that falls more along the lines of crazy! Mkay? I'm definitely not saying that you can't date someone you meet on facebook, or e-harmony, people do it all the time, I'm aware. In fact, I may have had an e-harmony profile at one time, for research purposes of course. 'Review Your Matches For Free'...yeah right! What that actually means, is fill out our ridiculous ten page questionnaire, and then we will link you to Trevor, Dan, and Jason. Ironically enough, they all have the same question mark for their picture, and as far as "reviewing" their profile...name, location, occupation, religious views. Anything beyond that...$60 please. I mean I've had instant messages where I've learned more about a person than that! A/S/L? Covered, and for free! Really? Why am I paying you $60 to tell me that Trevor likes reading, nights in, and coffee in the morning? I don't think the E-harmony people appreciated my answer to question #5,452..."Which is the best way for your matches to get in contact with you?" My answer: a link to my free facebook page. And, I couldn't justify spending $60 to look at a bunch of question mark men, I can do that with clip- art. Not to mention the fact that I still havent convinced myself that meeting someone on E-Harmony is any less creepy than meeting someone random on Facebook. Call me a cynic, or old-fashioned, but I'm working on it. I guess I won't be one of their successful love matches anytime soon. I mean really, I could have this all wrong. According to the New York Times, online dating numbers are up! It's like SIMS for real life. "Jay would like to meet your avatar at the local nightclub....Accept?" Apparently online dating sites are attracting a more frugal crowd these days, so ladies if you are planning on meeting the provider of your future dreams...think again. What happened to casually introducing yourself to someone attractive in public? And why does it have to be a bar? Creepers just ruin it for everyone. You can't be a single girl and get asked out for coffee by a complete stranger anymore. Either they want to go for coffee, and then maybe let you go home...but possibly locking you in the basement is also on the table. And double dates? When has this actually ever worked out? Trying to coerce a fellow single friend into tagging along...virtually impossible. Where is the faith girls?! I wouldn't set you up with a complete loser! No, no, I like to keep those to myself.
I guess all we can do is hope that our faith in dating will soon be restored, and so will the flow to our bank accounts! If we're really lucky, maybe our faith in Mr. Obama will come around too! Until then, I will just have to opt for meaningless FB chat sessions, and expensive dinner's on me.

Port A, Oh How I Will Miss You!

Port A Party Weekend, is officially over, and it was officially a success! Much needed fun in the sun! Although, my SPF 55 failed me miserably!!! I think these are going to be my new catalog pictures for the permanent bikini sunburn I created during my weekend of fun!:) I mean, I'm going to say that I spent 95% of my time completely submerged in the ocean...and still, even with Aveno's Sunscreen guarantee....I get to wear my bikini...apparently all the time!:) Fun Times though! I forgot how much fun the beach is! I don't think I've been since I was thirteen or fourteen, and boy have I been missing out! I swam, treaded, and swallowed more salt water than probably recommended! The house we rented was huge, and could have slept the whole island, which was nice! Tons of room for us all to collapse, and we def. did after Saturday! The boys crashed as soon as we got back home! And the beach trip wouldn't have been complete without the boys getting the car stuck in the sand! They went to get food in the car...and came back with food...on foot. The reason: They stopped to talk to girls:) Haha, lesson learned!:) A nice man with a large truck pulled the car out! I'm pretty sure he was entertained by the whole thing, and probably not surprised:) All in all, a great great weekend! We even managed to discover a few things:)

*Boys do not find car dancing/singing to be as much fun as girls do. They will ask you nicely at first, and then they will just demand that you stop. If that doesn't work, the threats begin....:)
*On that same note, they don't stop for anything!
Arch leaving Whataburger: "Girls, we have 1/2 a tank of gas, and we aren't stopping till its gone. Everyone Good?"
In Unison: "Yep, we're all good!"
Me, 30 minutes later: "Are we out of gas yet?"
I drank a LG diet coke...I'm sorry!:) Lucky for me, Arch admitted later that he needed to stop too, but only after Christina and Kristen fell asleep:)
*No matter how hard you try, or sweep...there will still be sand. In your hair.on the floor.in the car. EVERYWHERE!
*You can cook the easiest thing in the world, and boys will think you are great cooks! haha
That's pretty much it! Working on chapter.two. Hopefully it will be up soon!
Much love,
xoxo a

And It Went A Little Something Like This...Questions I'll Die Trying To Answer.chapter one.

You Want My Number?

It is inevitable. You are attractive, witty, charming...and BAM! My mind goes straight there...could we date, what would we do, hmmm winter or spring wedding? I think yes. Why is it that our minds go to such an extreme. I mean let's be honest, you haven't even noticed me! I am that girl. You know the one. Starbuck's, corner table...I'm staring at you from behind my Carmel macchiato,laptop,oh, and don't forget the huge imaginary wall either. A brick of fear, insecurity, humiliation, throw in some self-doubt and you've got yourself one sturdy wall. As if there is any real relevance to the thoughts running through my head, you can be sure that I've already given you a once over. I'm not sure my family will be thrilled about your arm of tattoos, but I think they are fun so we'll just go with it for now. We'll probably go hiking, you look like the outdoorsy type. I went camping once, and I didn't hate it, so I think we will be fine. There are normal bathrooms right?... You have good hair too, taller than me, check. The barista will be done grinding your coffee beans soon, and we've made awkward eye contact two or three times now...so in case you forgot, this is the part where you want to ask for my number. I mean I know it is a 'new age', but seriously, what happened to chivalry? Yes, I could ask for yours, except that I'm pretty sure it would go a little something like this...
"So..." (long pause)"...original blend...""mmmm...good choice." (pause, nervous hair flip) "Do you drink a lot of coffee?"...."Yeah, me too"...(fidget, fidget, fidget)"You know, a lot of these tables have two chairs...which is good if you have a bag or something...(haha, awkward nervous laugh)..."Or a person I guess, I mean, I don't though..maybe we could drink coffee at the same time.....I mean together sometime...I mean if you wanted to or something...".sigh. And this is probably where the extreme embarrassment and self-ridicule would begin to set in. Not to mention the rejection. You know that saying, "You are your own worst enemy...". I think I've made it my personal vendetta to prove this saying true, and the awkward embarrassment, well I just throw that in there to guarantee a little laugh at myself later. While I entertain my time with thoughts of how my life will be with him, Hot Tattoo Boy has gotten his coffee, paid, and started backing his Tahoe out of the packed Starbuck's parking lot. What is so intriguing about complete and utter public humiliation? Granted, constantly sitting alone is kind of embarrassing in itself,but the rejection that is sure to follow my split second of confidence; definitely exceeds the gain. So, I'll just sit here and sip my coffee instead.
Alright, alright, I may be slightly dramatic, and I'm probably not that socially awkward, in fact, I know I'm not...but Hot Tattoo Boy may beg to differ. Perhaps it is that I am too picky. This is what my mother will tell you. I don't think having standards is being too picky. And by standards, I don't mean unattainable standards. I don't think it is asking too much to meet someone with life goals that go beyond the span of one weekend. And games were fun when I was twelve...not so much anymore. Scrabble, Scattegories, Clue...now, those are all games I play. Player, Cheater, All-Around Man Whore...not someone I want as my teammate in the game of life. I get it. I'm young, have fun. I get it. But why does that have to be at the expense of self-regard? If you like me, tell me you do! Don't answer my questions with a question! And if you honestly feel like I could be your girlfriend, talking to five other girls at the same time confuses me! Mixed signals are never a good thing, because in the end, we probably, totally would have dated. Call it crazy, but I'd like to think that I could make someone amazingly happy, and that someone could quite possibly think so too. Why waste my time with the probably not's, I want to meet Mr. Right, heck, even Mr. Maybe Could Be Right would be just fine! I'm no psychologist, and definitely in no place to give any ounce of advice to be held in high regard. However, I know what I want, and I want what I know. You'd be amazed at what you learn from watching other people. On that note, when did crazy become attractive? Seriously. I've had many people explain this to me because I totally don't get it! I mean really boys. You're telling me that even if a girl is totally crazy, and you recognize it...it's just something you look past? I don't get it. As a sane, completely normal girl, this is just not a revelation I understand. I have friends who I guess for the sake of dating someone, can overlook crazy tendencies. And is there no embarrassment factor for you boys? I will be the first to admit, that I care entirely too much about what others think, and that in part may be why I'm still single. But does dating someone who is just so unlike you, and slightly annoying..not make you a little self-conscious about what your friends REALLY think about her? Here's another one for pondering...why is it that when someone is completely un-available, they are suddenly so attractive! Perhaps it's the sudden realization that now, you really don't have a chance. Or maybe it's just the honest revelation that those feelings were there all along, and you never acted on it...but you should have. What is it about a slightly attractive guy that makes girls just act...and ask ridiculous questions? Things you would never think to question on a regular basis?
The scene: A casual, friendly, dinner date. At this point, you are more interested than him. He's totally oblivious to your feelings, as he is still putting out the friend vibe.
The Scenario: Dinner goes well. Conversation flows pretty well...work, weekends, family. All around nice time. He pays. But probably not because he's interested, just because he is a super nice guy. You end with a nice hug, and a "We should do this again..."
The Aftermath: Now, most would take this to be a possible future good friend. But you, wearing your blinding love goggles, suddenly begin to question every aspect of dinner! "What did he think about what I was wearing?" "Should I have not ordered a drink?"...yes, all silly questions. And yes, all things that cross a girl's mind. Dare I say we over analyze things?
I know what you are saying. Where is the confidence? And I will tell you first hand, that all that goes out the window just as soon as Mr. Right Now throws you a curve ball. You might call it "playing hard to get", but a girl with call it "loss of interest". As soon as that sets in, you can pretty much guess that your girl is second guessing everything about herself and you in the same equation.
I also don't understand this proverbial idea that because I'm twenty-three and single, I'm doomed for a life of solitude. Part of me is choosing to be single. I am not a complete loser, and I do get asked out on rare occasion. Call it shallow, but I want to be attracted to some aspect of you as a person if we are going to venture further than a drink and a date. I'm not just referring to looks here. I can't tell you how many times I've met someone on not necessarily been attracted physically. Personality really is a number one, and if you've got one, and a good one at that, I will become instantly smitten. Things do not have to be complicated. ever. Boy likes girl, boy tells girl, boy dates girl. End of story. All that other bs can be left out!:) Final word to the wise: baby talk is never attractive, unless you are talking to a baby. And even then...why would you want to be attractive to a baby?

Life's Little Annoyances...And The Moments That Snap You Back To A Happy Reality!

-I just paid my electric bill...like I think last week...and already, one is waiting for me in the mailbox today! Fall oh fall where are you? I'm over paying for air conditioning in this Tx heat..
-Do you ever think you bought something...and then when you go to use it, its not there...or anywhere for that matter? It throws you into a crazy mind maze of Did I buy it? Did I use it? Did I buy it and leave it at the store?! Case in point...the wonderfully green, nice, new yoga mat, I am POSITIVE I looked at yesterday at Target...I know for a fact it was in my cart at one point...and I even, (maybe foolishly now) can remember putting it in my car after I bought it. But today when I went to get it...not there...not anywhere. Which only leads me to believe that maybe I never in fact purchased it, which is sad, bc now I am lying on a hard wood floor for workout time. Ugh. Which also means this will be a very short workout.
-So, childish as it may be...there is still nothing more exciting than coming home to packages! Even if I know they are coming! I ordered some swimsuits online the other day...and when I got home today, my mailbox was stuffed full of them! Call it superficial, but I was excited! You know what makes that excitement disappear almost instantly? When they don't fit! Which is my experience almost all the time! Which is why I've also decided that I can no longer be a consumer online...
Other than that, life is great! Ash is home...which I think I already blogged about..but it's been so long. She is feeling great! Exciting! We are turning 23 on Saturday, and so excited to reunite with family and friends. I can't believe however, that 23 is the birthday I am about to celebrate! I always laugh at ppl that act like any birthday that falls in the 20's is "getting old" but now that I'm saying it...23 sounds so old! haha, go ahead...I'll pause for your laughter. I know I'm ridiculous, and I agree, but really its...just weird. I think in part to the fact that mentally, I feel pretty on board with 23...28, 30. But at the same time, there are days where I still can't believe I'm legally allowed to be called an adult, much less expected to act like one:)
-This week has been pretty good so far! I've spent the last two days babysitting a beautifully adorable two year old. She is too cute! She giggles all the time, climbs all over me just to snuggle, and I'm pretty sure she let me play with her hair for about an hour today:) Which is why I'm certain when I have children, a few of which I hope are girls, I am going to have to invest in a pretty extensive line of hair clips and bows...and maybe a salon chair with make-up studio lighting:) Just saying. A good two days! We spent the afternoon in the backyard pouring water on every dry surface:) Dixie cups and a water hose=hours of fun for a two.....and twenty two year old:) I could listen to those giggles all day long.
-Tomorrow is going to be a busy busy...probably 12-13 hour day at work, and I think I'm kind of excited about it. It's been awhile since I've been there, since I had my wisdom teeth out, and dare I say it...I kind of miss it.:)
-On the wisdom teeth front...all is sort of well. I somehow escaped the puffy cheeks and bruising. I don't know how. Call my oral surgeon a hero, a legend...I just called him attractive. Yep, that's right. I didn't feel the need to say "Thank you...any special instructions..." in my drugged up stupor...nope, just smiles and giggles, coupled with a few stumbles as he escorted me to the car. My teeth are still sore, but hopefully that will be done soon. I'm over the jello. the pudding. the mashed potatoes...although, I am totally penning an award winning recipe I've created in the past few days. Paula Dean would be happy...Jenny Craig, Weight Watchers....probably not:) That is all for now,
xo loves

My Sweet Sister...

-So it is finally here! Ash is scheduled to get my stem cells tomorrow afternoon! I am so so excited for her! This last few days has been really hard for her. the toughest part of this journey for sure. I'm praying desperately that everything takes. The nurses said that her numbers will bottom out by the end of tomorrow and that my stem cells should begin replicating over the course of the next 30 to 45 days. Her nurses joked that she is going to start acting like me...I had to tell them not to tell her that, she may tell them that she doesn't want my stem cells! All joking aside, we have waited for this day for six long months, and so so thankful that it is finally here! My mom and I have opted for a sleepover here at the hospital, and so we are both going to stay the night with my sis! I've been here for an hour and a half,and my mom just keeps me laughing. She insisted on having a dance off earlier to entertain Ash...only, I then had to explain to her what a dance off actually was.
Mom: "No no Amber we will both just dance at the same time!"
Amber: "Mom, that is not a dance off, that is a dance partner! This is how it works, you do a lame move, and then I do some that are way better...and I win."
Mom: "Well then watch out so I can get my hizzle on."
Needless to say, it lasted all of about five minutes. I think my mom and I were way more into it than my sis actually was. We were just beginning to choreograph a joint number, when she told us to stop. Oh well, still fun.
Funny Point Number 2: My mom had to drag in this recliner to sleep in, and when she moves the whole thing basically closes on her. I don't know that she finds it as comical as I do, but I'm sure she is laughing on the inside.:)
-The 4Th was fun! I didn't have any plans at all, but my friend Mollie and I ended up going to dinner on the lake,Mai Tai's and then watching fireworks at Mozart's over the water! BeAuTiFuL! We had a good time for sure! And I might have fallen in love with our waiter a little bit.
-I don't have much else at this point. I'm going to try and keep everyone posted with details tomorrow! Thank you so much for all the prayers, it's keeping our family going! Love you all,
xoxo a

When I Drive Home With The Radio Off...This Is What Happens...:)

I am still waiting for the day that a sigh of relief brings me just that...relief. I exhale, just to inhale all that is waiting to be worried about. I am dealing with a lot right now, A LOT. Maybe too much, but at this point, I hoping that I can come to some sort of positive outcome to all the stress. I am moving a million miles a minute, only because its harder to process all that is going on when there is no time to think about it.
The car. That might be my only time for thinking, and lately, I am not liking the thinking that is happening there. I've said it many times, but I do not do hard times well. I live to be happy, make people happy, exude happy...and right now, happy is the farthest emotion from my grasp. I'm praying so hard for my family right now, for many reasons. I'm still unsure of what I'm supposed to be learning from all of this, and just when I thought I'd gotten all of the spiritual lessons that were there to seen...there are more.
Humility is one thing I've gotten pretty solidly, and I realize more now than ever that no one's life is EVER perfect. Not even for a second. Just when something seems solid, something else begins to crumble. A lesson that nothing can be predicted or planned for. I don't want to go through life with a list of "I Wish I Would Have's...", which is why I'm enacting a new policy of honesty for myself. I don't like lying, but lying to myself is something I do all too often. So in true honest fashion, a little unload of my honest feelings.
That all being said, we keep moving forward and hoping for the best. Ash and my mom have moved to San Antonio for the month to do her last round of chemo and radiation. Her bone marrow transplant is scheduled for July 2ND. I honestly believe we all have one extraordinary thing we are supposed to do in our lives, and I hope that my stem cells saving Ash will be mine. I don't need anything else but for her to be okay. I love my family with all of my heart. Please keep sending your prayers our way, I love you all dearly,
xoxo a

A Day In The Life...

Pandora.
I just discovered a new love for the website! I mean I've dabbled on there before, but the other day, I must have mistakenly typed in 'Soundtrack To My Life'...because I'm pretty sure that is what was playing. Awesome.
Tyrone Wells.
On that note, if you haven't heard of him...you should download it ASAP. Amazingly talented. I love love his voice! He's right up there with my good friends Amos Lee and Ray LaMontagne!:)
School.
So I don't know if I ever officially said, but I am done with school for the summer! I'm ecstatic, and I made the Dean's List! So so exciting! It was a good semester, but I am glad it is over! I will say, I did have one of the most amazing professor's ever! You know how there are just those teacher's you know you are going to remember forever? Well, he is one of them for sure! Just amazingly awesome at showing what it is to be a good teacher, and showing what it is to love your job! I learned a lot.
Weddings and Such.
Brit's wedding is just a few weeks away! I'm getting so excited! It's so crazy! I realize this is the age that I'm at, but all of my friends are growing up! My best friend just told me last weekend that she is pregnant! So exciting! She is going be an amazing mother, and I'm so happy for her! I've been asking for someone to have a baby forever now!
Odd Things.
So I've recently had a small obsession similar to that of a sixty year old woman! I don't know why, and I have yet to come up with a decent explanation for my new found interest...but, I kind of love bird things! haha, hair clips, necklaces, rings, headbands, t-shirts...I mean if it has a sparrow on it...I probably want it! My sister has been making fun of me for two weeks now, and I can't say that I blame her.
Catching Up.
So I finally caved in to the pressure. I've made dr. appointments at basically every doctor I have been avoiding for the last year. I am not one of those people plagued with fear of doctors offices or anything like that, I just hate the inconvenience of taking off work! I work 7 days a week, if I'm not doing that, I'm usually in school! This does not leave a lot of time. So for the last year, I've just opted for not going! Well now my dr.s are calling me! So I'm taking the high road and getting it all taken care of!:) And it feels good.
Homeless Friends.
I was making my usual commute to the hospital yesterday, and I met a nice homeless man. I was just planning on giving him my $5 and rolling my window back up, but he wanted to chat...so I obliged. He was nice, and full of compliments! I mean I want to think he just genuinely thought I had beautiful eyes, and a "Kodak smile", but I think the $5 may have had something to do with his complimentary nature:) I will say, on my way to the hospital today, all I could think about was what I wanted to give him! "Hmmm, I only have $3 cash, so...I'll give him that and my Pepsi and my dinner..., I can get something else later..." sadly, my friend wasn't there! So until next time!
Alright kids, I'm tired, and ready for some music and then some sleep!
Much Love,
a

Donate Bone Marrow...Check! All Done!

This is my beautiful twin sis, if you can't tell~ So yesterday was the big day! My part of the bone marrow collection process is complete! Now all that's left is for Ash to get my stem cells in July, and ideally, that will be her cure. I'm so excited! I finished my four day of shots and achy bones, and finally had the five hour collection process yesterday! All in all, not so bad! In fact, I'm a little embarrassed that I was so nervous. The 'metal rod' I was under the impression they were inserting into my arm...really turned out to be large metal needle, but def. not a rod. I'm still not aware of the point of the lidocane, bc you can def. feel all the needles after that point, but still not so bad. Other than some minor tingling bc of a lack of Calcium, all went smoothly! I spent the rest of yesterday sleeping, and I'm feeling pretty good today. Thank you so much for all the prayers, and if you want to keep updated with her progress you can @ this website!:
caringbridge.com/visit/ashleyhenley

Thanks loves,
a

Eight By Eight...I Know...You've Been Waiting Right?!:)

8x8

8 Things I Am Looking Forward To:

1. My sister being cured of this Leukemia
2. Summer Summer Summer
3. Laying out by the pool
4. Britni's Wedding
5. All my friends coming home
6. A vacation I have yet to plan
7. Going back to Phi Lamb
8. Dancing The Night Away

8 Things I Did Yesterday:

1. Showered
2. Worked
3. Bathed a vicious German shepherd at work...but seriously, I'm like the dog whisperer...she didn't even try and eat me. She tried to eat our groomer.
4. I took a nap. Can we talk about the last time I took a nap...oh so nice.
5. On that note, I woke up every hour on the hour...1am, 2am...you get the idea.
6. I joined Pandora. I was really trying to resist, but I'm a lover of music, what can I say?
7. Relay for Life w/ my sis
8. Got to see Clayton! I love that kid!

8 Things I Wish I Could Do:

1. Move in to the hustle and bustle of a beautiful city.
2. Write A Book.
3. Go On A Blind Date.
4. Travel.
5. Pursue All The Things I Wish I Could Be Doing Right Now. Most Of Them Not Practical.
6. Rent A Small Beach House In Somewhere.
7. Go Inside All The Pretty Houses I See And Wish I Could Live In. I Really Think There Should Be 1 Day A Year When This Can Happen.
8. Say What's On My Mind Exactly When I'm Thinking It.

8 Favorite Fruits:

1. Mango
2. Strawberries
3. Cantaloupe
4. Raspberry
5. Apple
6. Peach
7. Lime
8. Orange

8 Places I Wish I Could Travel:

1. Greece
2. Italy
3. Ireland
4. Africa
5. New York..Again
6. Georgia
7. Seattle...Again and Again.I.Love.Seattle.
8. Maine
(I realize the last five aren't very exciting, but for some reason or another, I feel like those might be my cities. I can pretty much fall in love with anything, and I know I will love them!)

8 Things You Don't Know About Me:

1. I Don't Mind Being By Myself, In fact, Sometimes It's Preferred:)
2. Writing Is My Outlet, I Do It Everyday.
3. I Can't Sleep Until I've Thanked God For My Family.
4. I'm Really Messy, But I Fake Clean When Friends Come Over.
5. I'm Incredibly Self-Conscious, And Yet, I Wish I Didn't Care.
6. Famous Songwriter To The Stars Might Be My Dream Job.
7. Recently, I've Decided There Is Something Incredibly Romantic About Never Getting Married. I Mean I'm Not Saying Its For Me...But Just A Thought.
8. I'm Kind Of In Love With The Idea That On A Day To Day Basis I Get To Live My Life. For The Most Part, Its Pretty Awesome.

And It Went A Little Something Like This...Questions I'll Die Trying To Answer.chapter one.

You Want My Number?

It is inevitable. You are attractive, witty, charming...and BAM! My mind goes straight there...could we date, what would we do, hmmm winter or spring wedding? I think yes. Why is it that our minds go to such an extreme. I mean let's be honest, you haven't even noticed me! I am that girl. You know the one. Starbuck's, corner table...I'm staring at you from behind my Carmel macchiato,laptop,oh, and don't forget the huge imaginary wall either. A brick of fear, insecurity, humiliation, throw in some self-doubt and you've got yourself one sturdy wall. As if there is any real relevance to the thoughts running through my head, you can be sure that I've already given you a once over. I'm not sure my family will be thrilled about your arm of tattoos, but I think they are fun so we'll just go with it for now. We'll probably go hiking, you look like the outdoorsy type. I went camping once, and I didn't hate it, so I think we will be fine. There are normal bathrooms right?... You have good hair too, taller than me, check. The barista will be done grinding your coffee beans soon, and we've made awkward eye contact two or three times now...so in case you forgot, this is the part where you want to ask for my number. I mean I know it is a 'new age', but seriously, what happened to chivalry? Yes, I could ask for yours, except that I'm pretty sure it would go a little something like this...
"So..." (long pause)"...original blend...""mmmm...good choice." (pause, nervous hair flip) "Do you drink a lot of coffee?"...."Yeah, me too"...(fidget, fidget, fidget)"You know, a lot of these tables have two chairs...which is good if you have a bag or something...(haha, awkward nervous laugh)..."Or a person I guess, I mean, I don't though..maybe we could drink coffee at the same time.....I mean together sometime...I mean if you wanted to or something...".sigh. And this is probably where the extreme embarrassment and self-ridicule would begin to set in. Not to mention the rejection. You know that saying, "You are your own worst enemy...". I think I've made it my personal vendetta to prove this saying true, and the awkward embarrassment, well I just throw that in there to guarantee a little laugh at myself later. While I entertain my time with thoughts of how my life will be with him, Hot Tattoo Boy has gotten his coffee, paid, and started backing his Tahoe out of the packed Starbuck's parking lot. What is so intriguing about complete and utter public humiliation? Granted, constantly sitting alone is kind of embarrassing in itself,but the rejection that is sure to follow my split second of confidence; definitely exceeds the gain. So, I'll just sit here and sip my coffee instead.
Alright, alright, I may be slightly dramatic, and I'm probably not that socially awkward, in fact, I know I'm not...but Hot Tattoo Boy may beg to differ. Perhaps it is that I am too picky. This is what my mother will tell you. I don't think having standards is being too picky. And by standards, I don't mean unattainable standards. I don't think it is asking too much to meet someone with life goals that go beyond the span of one weekend. And games were fun when I was twelve...not so much anymore. Scrabble, Scattegories, Clue...now, those are all games I play. Player, Cheater, All-Around Man Whore...not someone I want as my teammate in the game of life. I get it. I'm young, have fun. I get it. But why does that have to be at the expense of self-regard? If you like me, tell me you do! Don't answer my questions with a question! And if you honestly feel like I could be your girlfriend, talking to five other girls at the same time confuses me! Mixed signals are never a good thing, because in the end, we probably, totally would have dated. Call it crazy, but I'd like to think that I could make someone amazingly happy, and that someone could quite possibly think so too. Why waste my time with the probably not's, I want to meet Mr. Right, heck, even Mr. Maybe Could Be Right would be just fine! I'm no psychologist, and definitely in no place to give any ounce of advice to be held in high regard. However, I know what I want, and I want what I know. You'd be amazed at what you learn from watching other people. On that note, when did crazy become attractive? Seriously. I've had many people explain this to me because I totally don't get it! I mean really boys. You're telling me that even if a girl is totally crazy, and you recognize it...it's just something you look past? I don't get it. As a sane, completely normal girl, this is just not a revelation I understand. I have friends who I guess for the sake of dating someone, can overlook crazy tendencies. And is there no embarrassment factor for you boys? I will be the first to admit, that I care entirely too much about what others think, and that in part may be why I'm still single. But does dating someone who is just so unlike you, and slightly annoying..not make you a little self-conscious about what your friends REALLY think about her? Here's another one for pondering...why is it that when someone is completely un-available, they are suddenly so attractive! Perhaps it's the sudden realization that now, you really don't have a chance. Or maybe it's just the honest revelation that those feelings were there all along, and you never acted on it...but you should have. What is it about a slightly attractive guy that makes girls just act...and ask ridiculous questions? Things you would never think to question on a regular basis?
The scene: A casual, friendly, dinner date. At this point, you are more interested than him. He's totally oblivious to your feelings, as he is still putting out the friend vibe.
The Scenario: Dinner goes well. Conversation flows pretty well...work, weekends, family. All around nice time. He pays. But probably not because he's interested, just because he is a super nice guy. You end with a nice hug, and a "We should do this again..."
The Aftermath: Now, most would take this to be a possible future good friend. But you, wearing your blinding love goggles, suddenly begin to question every aspect of dinner! "What did he think about what I was wearing?" "Should I have not ordered a drink?"...yes, all silly questions. And yes, all things that cross a girl's mind. Dare I say we over analyze things?
I know what you are saying. Where is the confidence? And I will tell you first hand, that all that goes out the window just as soon as Mr. Right Now throws you a curve ball. You might call it "playing hard to get", but a girl with call it "loss of interest". As soon as that sets in, you can pretty much guess that your girl is second guessing everything about herself and you in the same equation.
I also don't understand this proverbial idea that because I'm twenty-three and single, I'm doomed for a life of solitude. Part of me is choosing to be single. I am not a complete loser, and I do get asked out on rare occasion. Call it shallow, but I want to be attracted to some aspect of you as a person if we are going to venture further than a drink and a date. I'm not just referring to looks here. I can't tell you how many times I've met someone on not necessarily been attracted physically. Personality really is a number one, and if you've got one, and a good one at that, I will become instantly smitten. Things do not have to be complicated. ever. Boy likes girl, boy tells girl, boy dates girl. End of story. All that other bs can be left out!:) Final word to the wise: baby talk is never attractive, unless you are talking to a baby. And even then...why would you want to be attractive to a baby?

A Week Of Revelations...

Wow. Last Semester is just that...last semester. Not without a few recent bumps. I am in the midst of a small battle, but hopefully that will be said and done tomorrow. I can't wait to just breathe.
-I called my Dad yesterday. Randomly. It's so funny to me to see the growing that is happening within myself. This time 5 years ago, I was still a wreck with how I felt about him, about our relationship, his abilities as a father, heck...even just his abilities as a person. My whole view of him all came to a head at a defining point in my life, and I honestly didn't know how I wanted our relationship to be...or if I even wanted one. If you are confused, you can brush up on all that is my life with this past post! So I called him. We've talked briefly off and on these past few months with all that is going on with Ash. He himself is going through a hard time with his wife. Through out our 10 minute conversation, I felt so bad for him. He desperately needs a hug, a friend. And then it just hit me. A daughter. He needs a daughter who can listen, and be all those things. He has hardly been a father to me in my 22 years, but I know he loves me, and he did give me five amazing years as a little girl, because I remember them. As I sat there listening to the uncertainty in his voice, I just felt this overwhelming need to say "Its going to be alright, and I love you." The last thing he needs is to feel guilt about our relationship. I'm okay. I wouldn't have my life any other way. My Step-Father is the most amazing man ever! So with that, I've decided if calling him once a week will brighten his days even slightly, than that's what I will do. Even if we have awkward conversation about doing the dishes and what is going on in Good ol' California..
-I bought the most amazing book last night. I literally have read two pages. This book is after my own heart, and I feel like if I would ever take the time to write the novel that is inside of me...this would be it! That being said, I think I am going to start writing said novel. I mean, I realize no one cares, but it will be for me. And I'll think it is witty and fun, and that will be fine:)
-I get paid tomorrow. I'm pretty sure I worked 90hrs @ job number 1 this week. I'm exhausted. EXXXHHHAAAUUSSTED.
On that note, I feel like I could be more exhausted, and so begins the 'Extreme Summer, I'm in a wedding in a month, It is time, ....WORKOUT!' .yeah. ugh. First of all, I would be more excited about this if I had a fun work out partner, and maybe a fun work out trainer! I get bored, and I need structure. That I'm going to work on...
-So I start all my Bone Marrow Stuff on Thursday~! I have shots of nupogen on Thurs, Fri, Sat, and Sun! Basically they are going to make me way overly produce my bone marrow, so much so that it pushes out of my bones and into my blood stream. Then Monday, I go in for collection....for six hours. Hooked up to machines for six hours. The nurses did make sure to tell me that they use a lot of lidocane for the process! Yikes! Be praying for that! I'm no nurse, and I'm postive I spelt all these drugs wrong, but I think that equates to a level of pain I cannot handle on my own! I'm okay with it. I know it will be fine, and the rewards are going to far surpass any amount of pain for sure.
Thanks Loves,
xoxo a
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Wednesday, Thursday, SUMMER!

--Okay, for starters, I am a terrible blogger. In the sense that I just have not had the time lately! Life has been c.r.a.z.y. this week, and the three prior! I am so ready to move on to that adult portion of my life, where I am already established in a career!:) This semester is finally coming to an end, Helllooooo SuMmEr! I have three days of classes left, and I am counting them down by the hour! I really just can't wait to be working non-stop without having to worry about going home to do homework. I was reminded last week how nice it is to have a paycheck that lasts more than a few days. I worked 68 hours w/ overtime! Awesome! I am def. looking forward to the days where I get one paycheck, and still have some leftover when the next one comes! On that note, can we talk about how lazy everyone is that I work with!?!? This has been a slight annoyance for me...oh for the past few YEARS! I have been at my current job since I was fifteen, so if you do the math...eight years! And I don't just have one, I work two different jobs. I get that in high school not everyone has a job, but it's a choice! If you don't want one, DONT have one! I'm pretty sure my work ethic in high school is exactly the same now as it was then! I just don't buy this "I am young, I'm allowed to be lazy!" stuff anymore! I hate confrontation, but sleeping?! Really?! It's one thing to completely disregard your job when I'm not around...but at least fake like you are busy when I walk into a room! I mean this blatant laziness is really just kind of ridiculous!
--This past weekend was good. Just the usual work and what not. Basically all of my friends are getting married this summer, so I went to a bridal shower for one, and helped address invitations for another. Can I just say, there is nothing that throws singleness in your face more than a wedding:) I already told Brit that I plan on meeting my husband at her wedding, so we'll see! I mean, I'm thinking if I catch the bouquet at at least one wedding, I will be well on my way!:) All joking aside, I really am so happy for them! Brit is marrying the sweetest guy ever, and I'm super excited to be a part of it! I plan on dancing the night away!
--So I went to SA last week to begin my proceedings for the bone marrow transplant. I had to go through a round of tests to ensure that I am healthy and ready to actually be my sister's bone marrow donor. Aside from being a match, the doctor's want to make sure that my body will hold up for the procedure, and all of the logistics with that. I should know in the next week or so. For some reason, I am nervous about all of this. I realize if something didn't work out, the control of the situation is out of my hands at this point....but if there is one thing I could give to my sister, I want it to be this. She is getting weary and her spirits are low. We are just so ready to move on, and my being her donor is exactly what we need. The procedure makes me slightly nervous, but honestly I'd give her my arm at this point if I thought that would cure her.
--That is all for now! Thanks Loves!
xoxo a

I Wear My Sunglasses At Night...

Hi Friends! And yet another day in the life of Amber has come to an end!:) Good weekend so far. I ventured to College Station with Mollie on Friday to see Clayton STAR in Big River! It took forever to get there...bc we needed a boat. Seriously! I've never screamed in a car ride so much. My little cobalt seems to think she can fly too...bc that's exactly what was happening. A little scary, but we made it, eventually! So much fun! Clayton is seriously amazing...and yes, I already know this, but every time he sings...I'm reminded. Awesome! Just a really awesome show...so if your in the area, GO SEE IT! We had a lot of fun, and we only got lost a few times...I also may have bought the coolest sunglasses in the world. They are bright yellow raybans...but the kind that only cost $5:) But get this...they fold up into a tiny little square! Pretty much the best invention ever! I'm kind of in love with the whole idea. I'm back in Austin, and hanging out at the hospital with Ash tonight. She is feeling good, and kicking A on Round Two of Chemo! Hopefully she will get to go home on Tuesday,so keep praying!:) Tomorrow is a fun filled day of work and then some Jesus time:) At some point this weekend, I need to be a little school productive, but we all know how I feel about that. Thanks Loves!
xoxo a

This Is An Understatement.

haha something very funny, and all too typical of me happened Friday night while I was re-arranging my room. I moved my bed, and apparently I was over painting my room when I got to that wall, bc I literally only painted down far enough that my bed would cover it up. Ha ha. So needless to say, I need to go buy paint...and fast! I have the furniture the way I want it, but now I need to do all of the fun stuff! I will say, why is that you sleep so much better when you make the bed right before you get in it? I don't really know, but.....amazing!

So I had to house sit for my boss last night, I really don't think I've ever been more bored! Her remote didn't work, so I had to get up and change the channel every time! That got old really quick, so @ 8 I decided it was time for bed. Here's the best part....it was still light out! I talked to my friend Adam for awhile, and then I went to sleep. What a lame Saturday night! So I'm working all day today, and that is no fun. Church tonight, and then it is back to re-decorating! HoPe EvErYoNe'S wEeKeNd WaS aMaZiNg! LoVe YoU aLl! xo

a

Because These Are All Things You Need To Know...:)

Hello World~! It has been way too long, and by way too long, I mean...really not that long, but oh how I've missed you. So life is good! Ash got out of the hospital today. 2nd round of chemo....check! All finished for now. As for me, I'm doing great! Today was exceptionally fun for me, and I'm not really sure why! So my debit card has been M.I.A for 4 days now, and I was beginning to get worried. I'm mildly irresponsible, so I figured it was somewhere...but I had yet to find it! I searched my car yesterday, and I mean searched. I sat in each seat as though I regularly ride in the back seat.....and still no luck. I moved carpets...slid seats forward...backward...No Luck. So, in efforts to pretend like I was extremely interested in class this morning...I pulled out a notebook, and out fell my debit card! I cheered for myself in my head! Very exciting start to my day! Writing checks is so 2008, and a pain to say the least! So now the world can rest easy, I am back to my swiping ways! Being that my poor little debit card has been out of commission for 4 days, I think it felt a little neglected. So I bought 4 bras @ Victoria Secret! Here is the best part....wait for it.....only $30!!! Even I am proud of myself, and I am a bargain shopper on average! I even decided to buy a super cute sports bra which I think will only make working out happen more regularly! At least that is the idea.:) I think I am finally coming to terms with having a membership at the local Y for a year and a half now....I'm actually going to take that next big step(which in reality should have been the 1st big step...but I'm not much on rules)...THE MEMBERSHIP CARD. See, I've have been way too embarrassed to walk in and get it @ this point. I mean really, who signs up @ a gym...and then never goes back? Well, countless excuses have been running through my mind, but I am turning over a new leaf. I hear it's fun once you get in the swing of things, and I do love me a treadmill! So I am planning on going this week! So two amazing things happened today. 1. It is 'New Music Tuesday' on i-tunes, and that makes me really happy. Really Really Happy. And 2.I am starting the transformation of my room....finally! I hate my room right now. Hate it! Right now, it is 3, yes 3, different colors. I am probably, no, for sure the world's worst painter, and I think cutting in is a bother. So needless to say, my room looks like a 'test wall' for the Painter's of America (if that were a club or something). I finally have my mind set on what I want to do, and I am only hoping that it will turn out nicely. At this point I am just aiming for wanting to be in my room for more than five minutes, that would be an improvement! So church continues to be amazing! I'm pretty sure, I have been writing down the songs we sing...and then googling them when I get home! I love it! Awesome Awesome Awesome! And my little sister has been going with me, which is just cute! I love that she loves it as much as I do!
Much Love,
xoxo a

This Is My Life...

So let's talk about what a busy week this has been for me. I am so so glad that it is finally coming to an end. Update: Baton girl brought...count em...1, 2, 3! batons to class on Tuesday. Thankfully, or Unfortunately(I can't quite decide)we had a test, and so therefore she could not put on a show for us. Otherwise, I'm pretty sure she would have given the show of a lifetime. I mean maybe after Spring Break she will bring all three back, and perform. I hope so.
-On to my next topic...Spring Break. I have this weekend and the next week off, so what am I going to do? I don't know. I am def. going to sleep in a little, spend lots of time with Ash, and I think I am also going to start that novel I've been talking about. I mean technically I've already written chapter one, but I am trying to figure out now what direction I want to go in. So I will keep you posted on that one.
-So question of the day. How do you make your hair grow faster? I really want my hair to grow fast...and I've heard that pre-natal pills will do the trick. However, part of me feels uncomfortable buying pre-natal pills, because 1. I am not pregnant. and 2. I could just get over that and buy some, but I also don't want the guy @ CVS to think I'm pregnant. I mean I'm pretty sure I would be okay if my hair just decided to grow on it's own! I even bought Loreal's "Long Term Relationship" accidentally the other day. So if nothing else...I am trying to persuade my hair to grow with every shower....
-Does Elisabeth Hasselbeck annoy anyone else to no end? I really used think I really liked her outspoken nature and what not...but now she just annoys me to no end. I don't care about EVERYTHING that is going on in your life, and I'm pretty sure I died laughing when Patrick called her Meredith when greeting her on Monday. And yet she still says thank you, and proceeds to gush all over him. He wouldn't even give her the time of day.
-I now have a theme song. My friend Clayton wrote me the most amazing song ever, and he finally posted it on Facebook! I love it so so much! He is awesome! As soon as he sends it to me, I will post it for sure!
-Last night I went to Christina's Apartment where we drank wine and didn't play Scategories, but it was still fun. We laughed as Jordan and Christina tried to re-create Beyonce's "Single Ladies" video. It was pretty entertaining to say the least. I didn't partake, for the mere fact that I didn't have enough wine at that point. But it was very entertaining.
-Well, I am at the hospital for the rest of the night...so feel free to text me! Church tomorrow...and I am looking forward to that!

Much Love. xoxo a